🧊

your mother is funnier than literally everyone on tumblr

We are full of so many fuckign guys

it’s rly because the ideal mean girl friend group number is three because you can’t be a lone mean girl, 2 mean girls will begin cannibalizing each other without a third to neutralize, and 4 mean girls will splinter off into two self-cannibalizing mean girl duos. this is basic psychology.

playing spot the newcomer is easy because they’re the mfs who censor everything

“unalive” “k!ll” you can be free here. loosen up

i always thought of a king sized bed as being a bit bigger than a queen, but now that i have one, i can tell you that a king sized bed is an absurdity. i can sprawl out, and my husband can sprawl out, and the cat can sprawl out, and none of us are touching. i reach out in the night, and find only pillows and plush walruses. i reach further and eventually find his elbow. he rolls over the comforters to try and find me. “i have crossed oceans of bed to be with you,” he says. there is a vast expanse of bed untouched, unmapped, unexplored. the cat is still trying to sleep on my face.

This is the opposite of a creepypasta

Comfypasta

[Image ID: tag reading “sleepypasta” /end ID]

not knowing the name of a meme and having to describe it in google like a fucking animal