LOTR memes hurt

Meriabrandy Docbuck

But if you thought they were the only ones, let me draw your attention to this man:

Viggo Mortensen, aka Aragorn son of Arathorn, aka Sexiest Ranger in Middle Earth

would hike, often for more than a day, to remote filming locations, in costume, for the sake of authenticity

was the best swordsman Bob Anderson (swordsmaster/instructor for LotR, Pirates of the Caribbean, etc) says he has ever trained

occasionally writes poetry (more book!canon than film!canon but um hello)

does all his own stunts

lived all over and speaks about 23940209384 languages

you know that scene at the end of Fellowship when he’s fighting the Uruk-hai? And one throws a dagger at him and he hits it away with his sword? Yeah, the guy who threw it was supposed to miss, but accidentally threw it directly at Viggo. Who just casually Aragorned and hit it away. 

Would randomly give chocolates to the hobbits

According to John Rhys-Davis (aka Gimli), whenever you have a large cast, one or two actors will naturally become the leaders. Guess who ended up in that role.

Single-handedly convinced cast and crew to camp out to shoot a scene in the sunrise

Once hit a wild rabbit with his car by accident. Promptly stopped his car and went to see if the rabbit was dead, needed a vet or if the only merciful thing to do was to finish killing him. The rabbit was dead. Viggo realized he was hungry. So he took the rabbit, made a fire by the roadside and ate it.

According to cast and crew, sometimes you’d just see him disappear in the middle of the night and suddenly he’d come back with fish he’d caught

Had his sword with him at all times. Slept with once.

The best horse rider of the cast, hands down. Rides better than lots of pros, according to a horse trainer. Couldn’t bear to part with his horse at the end of the shooting, so he bough him. The next movie of his also involved horses, and he bought his horse in that one, too.

Knows how to survive in the wild. I’m not kidding.

Hand-stitched a few things in his costume for an authentic “I live away from civilization” Ranger feel. Also told the weapons department to make him a small bow because “Aragorn lives in the wild, he needs a hunting bow, or he’ll starve to death” - literally nobody else had thought about that. Also requested a small stone to sharpen his sword. Suggested that Aragorn would take Boromir’s arm guards after his death. 

Speaking of hand-stitching, once he was touring Japan with a reporter for an article. Walked into a store, took a tshirt, bought it, cut off the print and hand-stitched it into the hat he was wearing. The reporter was going “?????????” the entire time.

Once nearly got arrested because he was walking down the street after rehearsal practicing sword moves and someone called the cops on him

Broke his toe during filming and the result is onscreen because he just rolled with it 

Spent the whole running montage at the beginning of TTT running with a broken toe

Also broke a tooth off while filming Helm’s Deep and legit tried to just stick it back into his mouth and keep going but the crew dragged him to a dentist over lunch break. in costume. 

liked to take photographs and put them around his mirror in his trailer, by the end of the shoot there was no mirror left

insisted on filming the scene with Aragorn floating down the river in TTT himself, almost drowned doing it

also, IIRC, bought a horse for another person (I think it was Liv Tyler’s riding double?) after filming because she got super attached to it too 

Anyway. Upcoming is Jay-Z’s big concert on the parkway- and for years my uncle always worked it. Because he’s like, a highly recommended company and he’s Right There, so it was just natural for him to work it. But then, last year, he decided my uncle was charging too much money.

Two Things:

My uncle FAMOUSLY undercharges people!! A couple years ago, Kevin Hart did a huge comedy special for HBO and my uncle worked it- when he got the bill, Kevin Hart literally told my uncle he wasn’t charging enough money, paid what he believed to be the correct amount of money, and then tipped an obscene amount of money, leaving my uncle with like 10k more than he was expecting, and that’s the story of the time my uncle Survived The Winter

AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE JAY-Z CAN’T AFFORD IT??? He’s Jay-Z! Isn’t he a billionaire! Isn’t he married to Beyoncé! He can definitely afford to feed concert performers and workers! Like dude!   

But ANYWAY, he like. Proposed a lower price??? And my uncle was like “that’s enough to get maybe half a hoagie from Wawa and one can of soda for everyone working” lmao that’s how bad the price cut Jay-Z wanted was. I’ve worked for my uncle before- usually backstage there’s like an Array of main course meals, snacks, desserts, and drinks (water/soda/alcohol). Just a shit-ton of food, most of it prepared by his own company. Plenty in case people wanted second helpings. But with this proposed price drop, the best they could budget was half a sandwich and a can of soda like!!! Come on.

So he refuses to do it, so Jay-Z just…either Creates his own catering team on the spot, or used whoever he uses when he goes on tour, idk, but they agreed to that budget and my uncle moves on with life. 

Except EVERYONE who worked that concert ended up complaining about the catering! lmao

So NOW he’s trying to get my uncle back this year (the concert is like…this weekend, mind you) but my uncle isn’t answering any calls because he’s currently hanging out….with Ozzy Osbourne. 

They’re old friends because my uncle toured with him Back In The Day, and during most of the tour Ozzy was terrified of my uncle, because, like, the drugs made him think he was trying to steal his family or something, but by the end of the tour he had practically fallen in love with him, and when he learned my uncle was leaving he reportedly demanded “You’re LEAVING me??? Why??? Did Sharon do this?!?!?!” and listen idk they’re still friends and Ozzy’s still in love with him. Ozzy’s got a concert in the city or surrounding area right now, so my uncle’s out working that. 

Now, the other thing about my uncle- remember how I said he famously under charges? Well he also famously over pays his workers, and like half of them are assholes who take advantage of that, so despite the fact he runs a hugely successful business and should be rich and with money to spare, he’s actually just…a terrible business man who is always borrowing money off people. Specifically, my mother and grandmother. Like, he’ll get a job, and then be like ‘oh shit! 5000 dollars short!’ and they have to transfer money into his account (my mom works in banking and handles pretty much the whole families money) and wait until he gets paid for the job to get the money back, it’s ridiculous. But because of this, my mom is more involved with this company than she’d like to be. 

Now my uncle has this business partner, except he’s not really a partner because he refuses to let my uncle pay him, and he’s this aging hippie who I’ve never seen not high, and he may or may not live in his car, but he’s also Super Fucking Rich, but he’s not a dealer so no one knows for sure where the money is coming from, my mom went to high school with him and says he’s literally always been like this- but anyway, he ALWAYS has my uncle’s phone for some reason. You wanna call your uncle and wish him a happy birthday? Nope, it’s Victor, fuck you. Literally ALWAYS has his phone unless my uncle takes it so he can call his mother or sister for money lmao. But so that means…if the Hippie Friend needs to get in touch with my uncle….he has no way of doing that. So hippie friend, armed with my uncles Only Phone and access to his email, is getting a barrage of messages from Jay-Z’s people trying to hire him by??? fucking tomorrow??? to cater a weekend long event??? and the Aging Hippie is like ‘maybe his sister can get a hold of him!’ so he calls my mom- with my uncle’s phone- to tell her she needs to get in contact with my uncle- who does not have a phone on him right now- because Jay-Z wants to pay him money finally- ‘how will I be able to tell him that Victor’ - ‘well you can just leave a voicemail he checks those a lot’ - ‘you are using his phone Victor’ - ‘well we can hang up so you can call him’ - ‘VICTOR’- 

Jay-Z just went with his own people like last year and the food is SO BAD- reportedly stale sandwiches with expired ingredients and brownies that are so rock hard they’re impossible to eat safely- and we know this because the STAGE HANDS STRAIGHT UP CALLED MY UNCLE!! WHO FINALLY HAS HIS PHONE BACK!! Like the people who handle the stage and lights and sound and are used to his catering literally called him to complain, to beg him to come Fix This, and he’s like ‘this is LITERALLY not my job??’

So now they’re demanding to just. Order food like from a pizza place or something and they want Jay-Z to reimburse them for that- but Jay-Z doesn’t want to reimburse them if they order edible food….except stage hands are literally in a Union and legally, if they turn the stage dark, no rehearsals or show setup is allowed to happen- So straight up if Jay-Z doesn’t just buy these dudes pizza they’re threatning to darken the stage so nothing can happen- the show starts Tomorrow

Faramir: Hey, don’t go up the Spider Stairs.

Frodo: Why? What’s up the Spider Stairs?

Perhaps someone beat me to it, but here are ALL of the featured vines, in order of appearance:

I won’t hesitate bitch

Hi my name is Tre and I have a basketball game tomorrow

Whaddup, I’m Jared I’m 19 and I never fucking learned how 2 read

Kermit the Frog jumps off building

Fr e sh a voca do

back at it again at Krispy Kreme

There is only one thing worse than a rapist

Club Jam (yes a really good book)

At least the taco was free

I am the Sand Guardian, guardian of the sand

Grandma loves ping pong too much

If your name is Junior

Welcome to Target

I’m just cooking pizza

Cole Sprouse dress-up game

On all levels except physical, I am a Wolf

Kid hits ceiling of gym with rope (breaking free)

Kid smacked by fly swatter

Fuck it up Kenneth (my boy going to school)

Um I’m not finished (Tyler the Creator)

WE’RE BREAKING FREE

SAIL

I’m Squidward

So I’m sitting there, barbecue sauce on my tiddies

So no head? (breaking skateboard)

Actually, Megan (I can’t sit anywhere)

No off topic questions (Chris Christie)

What the fuck, Richard

Drop it like it’s hot (its just luke)

Bored as shiiiiii

Liberian accent (plasma globe)

New haircut (Parker Kit Hill)

Summertime sadness (chicken)

More like hurricane TORTILLA

I got an a-bor-tion

All Around the World (TheJasminator)

When there’s a cutie next to you at a red light

Snake licks lollipop

Accept yourself, love yourself

Be whatever you wanna be

Don’t touch Zac’s music (LENARR)

Whoever threw that paper, your mom’s a ho

Can I please get a waffle?

Turn off the flash you fucking moron (Star Wars)

Ebony Jenkins (shut up!)

Kevin, watch the light dude

Horse meditation

A girl a dream & a clothing hanger

Is that a weed? (911 microwave)

Helium balloons (floating car)

Fireplace fairy

I’m your freestyle dance teacher

I can’t believe you’ve done this

Which way the Quiznos is

Impossible paper toss shot

Hemtube (dancing with cat)

I nurture my skin (Shaq)

Why are you running

Happy birthday?

Thicker than a bowl of oatmeal (courtroom)

Farkle falling

Fuck you (soda machine)

Squash banana (the branch I was holding broke)

Take On Me

And now my sock is wet (water gun)

All I ever wanted was some motherfuckin guala

When there’s too much drama at school

Two bros chillin in the Hot Tub

What’s your name? (ouija board)

Chillary Clinton (chillin in Cedar Rapids)

Guy drops slurpee (7-Eleven)

Girl scared of convertible car

Guy who is self-conscious about his lisp (Rice Krispies Treats)

Would you like the spider on your hand?

Shopping cart crash

We actually have the chip reader now

I’M A GIRAFFE

Dinner with Zayn Malik (Chihuahua eating spaghetti)

whats a mob to a king

whats a king to a god