Here is an idea that takes the horrifying absurdity of the Clone Wars and magnifies it. Please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all timesâŚunless you wish to become part of the ride itself. Then grab onto these characters and you too can try to wrangle them.Â
I do want to make it clear from the start that the Jedi Council and Dooku are making the best of some fairly shitty options, at this point and in the future. The Jedi do not know/cannot prove Palpatine is Sidious and the reality is that without absolute proof they risk being wrong and if they are then the real Sith master will go to ground and they will be left with nothing. In addition Palpatine has contingencies for every aspect of his plan (and likely did in canon as well, if he had a contingency clones for himself), including if clones were found early, the chips did not work as intended, and the Jedi found out too early. It may not be obvious, or seem counterintuitive for the Jedi to keep walking forward, even knowing of the trap, knowing that so many would likely die in this fabricated war. But this is not meant to be criticizing the Jedi for the shitty options they had.Â
Now we start with Yan Dooku, prior to his Fall. This is also before the Naboo crisis , in fact this is in the beginning when Palpatine is still manipulating him.Â
*-As a side note, have you ever tried to look into the timeline for the clones and try to fit it into the greater timeline. That shit is wild. Jango Fett is recruited for Operation Knightfall-Order 66 and the clone project- in 32 BBY. This is the same year of the Naboo crisis and, according to Wookiepeidia, it is also the year that Cody was born. Based on what we know of the Kaminoan numbering system for the clones, there were at least 2 batches before Codyâs-The Nulls and the Alphas. Jango Fett was recruited by Dooku after his Fall, and he is said to have fallen after Qui Gonnâs death. I get that Palpatine had already been building towards this but man for this timeline to work Dooku had a quicker Fall time than Anakin-who went from âstop himâ to âtime to murder childrenâ in a distressingly short period of time-Â All this adds up to 32 BBY being, like, 2020 COVIDÂ levels of crazy. Because we had Qui Gonâs death, Dookuâs fall, the recruitment of Jango Fett-I understand there was a bounty hunt as an audition-, and all of this happened in enough time for at least 3 batches of clones- possibly more- to be born in 32BBY. How long is the gestation period for the clones? How is gestation and decanting set up so this timeline works. The Galactic Standard year is a 12 month/368 day model. Even if we presume that the double aging is also present in gestation, thus instead of 9 months it takes 4.5 months, that is still 13.5 months for 3 batches. Even with a staggered start cycles-batch 1 is the start point, batch 2 starts a week later, batch 3 starts a week after that and we can get everything down to a minimum 5 months, there still so much shit that has to happen in 7 months-*
In this Dooku, as a Jedi Master, does recognize that he is being manipulated and goes to the Jedi Council. He has just enough proof to prove that the Sith were back but does now know who (He knows that Palptine is involved but does not know if he is a Sith, a willing collaborator, or a patsy). The council decides that Dooku would go undercover as it were, to pretend that he is falling for Palpatineâs manipulation and to let it go to its natural conclusion, which they all presume will end with Dooku pretending to fall. Outside of the Council, there are only three other Jedi that are told of this assignment. Shadows Tholme and Quinlan Vos (though a senior Padawan at the time) were his contacts. The only other person told was Senior Padawan Obi Wan Kenobi, at the insistence of Mace Windu (Now this was not through some belief in Obi Wan as a person, or his value to such a mission. It was purely so that he could keep Qui Gon Jinn from flipping his lid when and if Dooku needed to pretend to be a Sith. Jinn was not told because no one thought that he could keep from endangering everyone through some âWill of the Forceâ reasoning or trying to be âhelpfulâ). Neither Obi Wan or the Shadows are told who else knows (though Vos and Thome do know the other is aware), and Obi Wan still has no contact with Dooku, so this knowledge does not change much at first. To be exceedingly clear, Obi Wan is only told that Master Yan Dooku is taking a long term mission where he might have to appear to Fall, in which case Obi Wan is going to need to keep Qui Gon from interfering; he is given no other information about to mission or what is being found. As it turns out Qui Gon dies just before Dooku âfallsâ.Â
The clones are still commissioned, but they are not chipped; save for a single clone whose name later becomes Chip, this is the clone that Dooku shows to Palpatine as proof the plan was going as it should. This Dooku is more involved with the Clones. Though the trainers do not know it (having entirely bought into project Knightfall), Dooku carefully teaches the clones th truth of their existence (that the war they are being commissioned for is BS, purely a trap for the Jedi and that they would have been designed to both love and be forced kill the Jedi). In essence he trains them to be spies in the guise of soldiers. He has reported the existence of the clones to the council, but like Dooku they are stuck by what they can visibly do with the information. There is some limited secret contact between the leaders of the clones (The Alphaâs as the Nulls had been adopted by Kal Skirata) and the Jedi Council, in which the Jedi Council apologizes for what is being asked of the clones and plans are made to help those that need an escape wherever they are able (Dooku âclaimsâ as many clones that were due to be decommissioned for his own âexperimentsâ as he is able, most of the time that meant that clones who were to be decommissioned were sent to live on a small, unpopulated moon in Serranoâs system-the exceptions to this were clones born with fatal, untreatable congenital defects, for example being without enough of their major organs that there would be no way to grow more before the child died in agony-those few who were truly not viable were given a painless death. It becomes a practice amongst the clones that anyone who truly did not want to fight would drop their scores into Decommission range).Â
To this end the Coruscant Guard were specifically chosen because they were the best at that kind of subterfuge, the clone equivalent of the Jedi Shadows and the ones who could keep themselves hidden/shielded against mind control 24/7. Fox is the only non Force sensitive, near human in the galaxy who is entirely impervious to Jedi mind tricks and Sith Mind control, the reason he was given the command that would have given him the most contact with Palpatine. They find out, much later, that some strange mutation makes him entirely impervious to any Force based power that will cause him harm.
When the time comes to enact the plans to start the war, Dooku still sends Jango Fett to lure Obi Wan to Geonosis. But Obi Wan goes to Kamino knowing that he was going to find the Clones (having been briefed by the Council, who had been informed by Dooku). Anakin is not aware of the second layer to their mission to protect Padme, having never been brought into the loop regarding Dooku. Obi Wan and Dooku have a pleasant conversation about both Qui Gon (and how he was likely watching from the Force), and there is a plan in place for Obi Wan to escape before the gladiatorial arena in a way that still would spark the war, but not cost lives. That plan had to be abruptly scrapped when Anakin and Padem showed up on Geonosis to ârescueâ Obi Wan, after they sent a message to the council. One of the major changes to Geonosis is how Anakin lost his hand; it was not chopped off by Dooku but lost in an explosion caused by the droids.Â
Here is where we start to get into the horror and the humor. Because this war is fabricated, a thing of smoke and mirrors whose sole purpose is to collect power for a few individuals. More importantly this is a Bullshit created war for the purpose of trapping the Jedi. The upper command on both sides (Jedi High council, Dooku and later Ventress, Palpatine, Grievous) know that the entire war is bullshit, though Palpatine does not know that the JHC are aware. The troopers, from the youngest to the oldest clones, are all utterly aware that the war is bullshit. They grew knowing they would be fighting in a war that was utter bullshit. The reason that the Droids could not be programmed for critical thinking was that it took them a maximum one battle to realize the war was bullshit, and they were not pleased about being cannon fodder.Â
In fact there were only two groups who were actually affected by the war that were not aware that the entire thing was contrived bullshit.Â
Every office not part of the high command (non clone officers, Jedi Generals, the entire command structure between fielded droids and CIS Generals on Grievous's level-I have no idea how the command structure of the CIS army works and barely any more about the GAR structure but work with me here), which I tend to think of as the middle management is the first group.Â
The other is the innocents being attacked by CIS forces. To them the war is very real.
Until they know for sure who the Sith Master is Dooku, the Jedi High Command(now including a fully read-in Obi Wan), or the Clones cannot let on that they know the war is ultimately bullshit. And there are too many innocents at stake to completely blow off or fake fighting. Yes when Dooku, and Ventress after she is brought into the fold, are in command they tend to try and take worlds with resources but little to no populations and they disengage as soon as they possibly can, but there are too many who buy into âThe Warâ or the power that they are getting to fake battles and in battles someone is bound to die.Â
Imagine being one of the Jedi Councilors and high generals, knowing (instead of just suspecting) that every battle they go into is unnecessary bullshit to trap the Jedi. Knowing that their troopers know that they are being sent into battle for unnecessary bullshit, but everyone having to pretend that they buy into the bullshit, that they have to pretend ignorance of things so gallingly obvious.
-In this world the Jedi council has created a secret process for allowing the defection of troopers that do not want to fight. Pong Krell (who never got to the point of Falling, as he never got used to thinking the clones were non sentient) and a handful of other Jedi spread throughout the system's armies, maintained a deliberately high âcasualtyâ rate to go with their high success rate. Clones that wanted to defect were transferred to these specific battalions where they were âkilled in actionâ and transported to a way point that relays them to the planet the decommissioned clones went to. None of these Jedi know that Dooku is actually on their side, or that the whole war is bullshit, but they are able to hang onto their sanity a bit better for this process. -
Picture Dooku, and later Ventress, staring across the battlefield as horrified at the lives being taken as the Jedi. Still having to pretend to buy in, saying all the right things (Ventress does still take Wolffeâs eye, but it is Wolffeâs idea to help sell that Ventress is not âtoo softâ on the clones she is fighting). Imagine having to calculate the exact point they can withdraw, when they have to press their victory for appearances. Knowing that they (as Ventress was completing her Jedi training under Dooku, who does not want her to be lost to the darkside) have to reconcile killing for the sake of appearances. Having to bury their own horror when they work with other CIS high command, who very much know that the entire war is bullshit but donât care, or are actively enjoying, the lives lost.Â
It changes some details, both major and minor, on who dies when, but in the grand scheme of things this knowledge does not change the overall trajectory of the war (though Dooku is not killed). It is still three years in that Palpatine tells Anakin (who, at no point, is brought into the loop about Dooku, the defection of clones, or any of it-mostly because no one not in a very strict âneed to knowâ was told and partly because the Jedi Council allowed the clones themselves to decide who would know about the defection battalions; they could not quite convince themselves that he would not share that information where he should not) that he is the Sith Master. Anakin runs to tell Windu.Â
But in this, instead of gathering the council to fight Sidious, Winduâs first action is to comm Fox. All he says to the head of the CG is, âPalpatine has just confirmed that he is the Sith Masterâ.Â
Fox responds with, âI will comm you when it is doneâ.
Anakin is standing there, breathing heavily from running all the way from the Senate, very unsure what was going on but certain the announcement that Palpatine was a Sith should be taken with some more urgency than Windu was showing.Â
Ponds enters and when he is told who the Sith is he sighs, deeply. âI was so sure it was that odious aide of Palpatineâsâ (Whom Pond refers to only by the name of Bastard, if at all).
Just as Anakin is starting to become antsy (very much in the mindset of âshouldnât we do something about the professed Sith in the same building as my secret wife?) Fox comms back. His hair is sticking straight away from his head (he found out that Palpatineâs Lighting did not hurt him the old fashioned way) and reports that Palpatine is very dead (each Guard wanted to make sureâŚand shooting is a good way to make sure), the Senate is in lockdown, to tell Skywalker that his wife is on a medical transport for the Templeâs Healing Halls (using those exact words),and that Fox will be filing a formal complaint against the Naboo education system for poor sex ed. Â
After the call is done, the next call Windu puts in is to Dooku. Windu tells Dooku that it is time to come home. Anakin watches horrified fascination as Dooku visibly sags with relief, saying that he and Ventress just need to tie up some loose ends here and to have a therapist ready.Â