We're all dumbasses here!

The Avengers need to team up with vigilantes, after the Sokoiva accord’s drama they try to work with smaller hero’s for PR and to understand street level culture. They of course ask the Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man since he knows Iron Man’s and seems talkative enough in addition to knowing everyone.

Spider-Man is a high-schooler with criminal connections, radioactive DNA and a mild concussion. he had no fucking idea why the Avengers are talking to him. He only helped Iron Man to get him off his ass so he wouldn’t snitch to his aunt.

Spider-Man has no jurisdiction, Spider-Man does not give a fuck who has jurisdiction. But also you need to respect the jurisdiction. There are levels to this shit.

Spider-Man is a well known New York vigilante. There’s no official qualifications to be one and nobody ever officially certifies you. You just do what you want to do and you know you’ve made it when you start getting a designated press company’s to slander you’re name or when you’re enemies start to get elaborate theme’s. There should be forums and community who monitor vigilante activity, maybe they have little markers for potential long term vigilantes like the one year mark or surviving your first alien invasion but otherwise it alls very arbitrary. Regardless it’s obvious Spider-Man is legit and not going anywhere.

Spider-Man explains that he operates in Queens, but Manhattan is free game. Technically he’s a New York vigilant so he’s not really bound to any one specific borough. But like if anyone asks for him he’s in Queens that’s his turf. You gotta respect the turf. Again there are levels to this shit. Nobody fucking respects the turf.

He argues that, no he’s not being weird. That’s how vigilantes operate they don’t do well in groups and close proximity. The back bone of vigilante culture is you gotta be able to handle your shit. The only way you become a vigilante is by living long enough and pissing enough people off to be considered one. The requirement isn’t having superpowers or being strong or lethal , it’s literally just getting back up after you get laid out.

The Avengers are a little confused but can’t disagree since they don’t know how they work. They are used to the structure of SHEILD missions. They ask who’s in charge

Spider-Man looks offended at that question. Nobody’s in charge, there’s no offical rankings. Everyone just does their own thing and unless you’re pissing off other people there’s no reason to try and extent authority. None of the vigilantes respect authority, all vigilantes are assholes none of them have authority or any sense of self preservation. If you’re lucky you won’t interact with another vigilante, unfortunately all vigilantes are connected through a string of cruel fate to accidentally meet. Vigilante’s fall into two categories of fucking assholes or little shits, regardless they tend to be pretty decent people.

This Is all just one giant pissing contest of who can get their goals completed while staying out of jail and being somewhat alive. You don’t have authority, you will eventually piss off another vigilante and this will lead to mutual respect if you both make it out alive with your goals somewhat accomplished. You might hate eachother or become best buddies or both simultaneously but competence is the determining factor.

Spider-Man explains Harlem is for Luke Cage but he’s not really a hero. Yes he knows Luke is called Harlem’s hero but Luke has an identity thing going on okay. It’s not polite to pressure enhanced people into taking the hero mantle. He’s like a Good Samaritan/vigilante/ hero but don’t pry. Depending on what stage of the identity conflict he’s on he will accept the term hero or beat you for saying that.

Chinatown is for Danny Rand, He has a secret identity but it’s really bad secret like literally everyone knows it. No he’s not a vigilante he’s got monk things going on and a fist that glows but don’t bring it up in-front of people it was a whole thing last time. He does martial art or whatever and he’s super rich you’ll know it’s him because he can’t control his volume and we just recently got him to start wearing shoes.

Hell’s Kitchen is for Daredevil, Yes Spider-Man knows his secret identity but he’s not gonna tell you seriously don’t ask him? It’s so rude to snitch on people where’s you’r sense of cape community? Secret identity shenanigans are the founding pillars of vigilantism? Look Daredevil takes weird breaks okay so just don’t send him spiraling he has a guilt complex thing and he bites so just don’t piss him off. His default setting is angry omnipotent asshole. Yes daredevil is strangely nice to Spider-Man but this is an outlier not the status quo. Don’t talk shit about him he’ll find out and also he thrives on chaos he’s surprisingly willing to do stupid shit with you if you ask nicely.

Also Jessica Jones technically inhabits Hell’s Kitchen but she’s not really about that hero life she’s a private investigator it’s different. Like she’ll help people but very begrudgingly and often while drunk but just ignore her for the most part unless you have something she’ll want in exchange. You’ve gotta get on her good side but that’s not something you can force all vigilante friendships are avoidant truma bonds thy occur when you have to kill dinosaurs together.

Also vigilantes don’t do friends. Except for Spider-Man he has a shit ton of vigaintes friends. Friendship in the vigilante community happens through osmosis of whatever toxic fumes you’re being exposed to in the sewers.

Yes all of the mentioned people know each other but it’s different. Look no they’re not in cahoots okay you need to understand they know each other and they aren’t enemy’s but they also aren’t really friends but they trust each other but also they dont want to work together at all. Their a lot of very complex dynamics at play that rely on the mutual understanding of how mentally unhinged everyone in the vigainte community can be.

Spider-Man explains you can’t go into Hell’s Kitchen, you’ll piss off Daredevil. It’s just like common courtesy, okay you can’t fuck around in another vigilantes territory. No it’s not specifically assigned to any vigilante but like you just need to know who protects what. Nobody tells you about this stuff but one day you’ll wander into a borough at 2AM and get a baton to the temple as an introduction. If you’re quips are funny enough and and you’re heart is pure you might be allowed back inside.

Yes Daredevil knows Spider-Man was fighting Kingpin in Hell’s Kitchen last week that’s different. No trust him, nobody likes Fisk that’s fair game you can fight Fisk anywhere. Also Spider-Man got ran over like four times with a tank when you get injured enough it’s like a pass to enter other vigilantes spaces.

Spider-Man should be exasperated explaining that no you don’t understand it was a Midday unplanned fight with kingpin where he was really injured Daredevil won’t care it’s different.

Also the dumpsters are free rein. You can pass out in any alleyway or dumpster you want it’s a god given right. All vigilantes, anti-hero’s, superhero’s and capes are entitled to bleeding out in a back alleyways. Disgusting blood soaked pavement is the foundation of this community.

There’s also anti-hero’s like The Punisher. Spider-Man thinks he’s a criminally insane public threat who needs psychological help but he’s able to handle himself and Spiderman doesn’t want a bullet in his side so they stay out of each others ways. There’s also mercenary’s like Deadpool but you can’t really befriend them? They do their thing and you can try to stop it from happening but antagonizing them unprovoked isn’t the best idea.

This isn’t to say he lets them do whatever because he has a moral obligation to protect but he doesn’t actively go out to hunt the person does this make sense?

“yeah can i get a deluxe quarter pounder with cheese?”

“absolutely, do you want the meal or just the sandwich?’

“uuuuuh hold on”

*fishes something out of my pocket*

“mikey what do i do?”

“get the fries. youll need the energy in the coming days”

*stuffs it back in my pocket*

“yeah can i get a deluxe quarter pounder with cheese?”

“absolutely, do you want the meal or just the sandwich?’

“uuuuuh hold on”

*fishes something out of my pocket*

“mikey what do i do?”

“get the fries. youll need the energy in the coming days”

*stuffs it back in my pocket*

What’s the punch taste like?

What are you drinking?

How do you know the host?

Hey, nice shoes!

Did you bring this drink/food/decoration/etc.?

Hey, what’s your costume?

Are you from (place where a lot of people at the party work or are from)?

The future looks bleak, Danny

Danny, outed to the government as a ghostly entity, is not only wanted by the government but unable to find work because of that.

Sam gave him money to help him escape, but an unfortunate run in with more than one gang of meta traffickers blew through that in an instant.

He needs a job. He needs to find a place to sleep.

He decides to answer an ad in a newspaper, for a personal chef for an unnamed person. Is it sketchy? Yes. Is it very likely to be under the table with no government checks? Also yes.

Besides, if it turns out to be someone bad, he can just go invisible and disappear for a bit. It'll be...unfortunate, cuz he'll have to steal what he needs, but it's doable.

He arrives at the meeting place, and there's a car waiting to pick him up.

Okay.

He gets in the car. Secondary location, here he comes.

It drives to a mansion.

Oh no.

It's Oliver Queen.

Oliver Queen put up that ad.

Oliver Queen takes one look at him, hums, and says that Danny is absolutely what he was looking for. That Danny just looks like how a chef should look.

Five minutes later, Danny finds himself in a kitchen larger than his old house, internally panicking and scrolling as fast as he can through cooking lessons on youtube.

Turns out, Danny's got a knack for cooking.

Like, he's actually pretty phenomenal at it.

If the food isn't trying to come back to life and eat him, once he's got the basics down, it's pretty easy to throw together a meal.

~~~~~~

Oliver, sleep deprived and injured, meant to ask Stan to make him something to eat.

Somehow he failed step one of just texting the man, and ended up reaching out to and placing an ad in a local newspaper for a personal chef.

Naturally, when someone answers it, he decides to get them over to his place so he can apologize for his stupidity and pay them the money they lost wasting time going to him.

Except that's a kid.

A dirty, unkempt, homeless teenager.

And...fuck.

Look, Oliver isn't a complete and total jackass, and it's not like the kid can mess up much if he's in the kitchen, of all places.

So he pretends like the ad is legit. Throws the kid in the kitchen.

Accidentally finds out that the kid wasn't fucking lying about being a good chef that was out of practice, holy shit? This food is so good????

Looks into the kid's background, quietly.

...

And new clothes.

And somewhere to sleep.

Fortunately, Oliver is notably eccentric and very rich. It's easy to have a room in the mansion set up for the kid, with a fully stocked en-suite, because what if Oliver wants a snack at 3am? (Given his vigilante pursuits, that's actually more likely than not.)

It's equally easy to put together a chef's uniform and have it delivered. And if Danny wears the uniform while he's waiting for his first paycheck to come through, who does it hurt?

(The kid's getting an advance on his first month's pay. Danny clearly needs money; Oliver doesn't even care if the kid vanishes with his advance. Wait, no, that's not right. He cares, because that means the kid's left behind whatever support Oliver can sneak to him.)

The kid doesn't vanish, and the food only gets better. The first time Danny cooks for him and Dinah, she insists on meeting the chef. After dinner, she pins Oliver down and demands answers. She does not like said answers, especially when it comes to what Oliver's found about the secret government agency.

Danny becomes a familiar sight around the mansion. When Oliver calls in Roy about the staggering violations of the Meta Protection Act committed by the GIW, the two boys take to each other like slightly wary cats.

(Oliver expects to find them both curled up on the couch and purring at some point.)

Roy insists that they take the information to the Justice League, and Oliver agrees. He's got pull with the government, but not enough to shut down an entire pseudo-military branch.

After his presentation, most of the Justice League are incensed at the horrors that slipped intangibly through their nets. Batman, though? Batman's a father. And he's about to go nuclear on the GIW.

Some are in microwaveable containers or re-heat in the oven dishes that each have a label on them saying how much time at what heat. There’s lots of easy to grab snacks in the fridge, including fresh fruit, yogurt parfaits, hard boiled eggs, and veggie wraps. There’s a snack counter off to the side of the kitchen that has jars of cookies, dried fruits, various nuts, and energy bars.

Danny doesn’t even hardly leave the mansion for the first month - mostly because he’s scared of getting caught but also because he’s starting to have fun learning to make interesting things. (Who knew that baking powdered milk creates a dry powdered version of brown butter he can add into his baking to enhance flavors? He sure didn’t until two days ago, and the cake he just made is so much richer without changing the texture!)

Relaxing doesn’t come easy. He’s been running for a while, and these people are nice but strange. Maybe that’s just how most rich people are. But then his boss’ son shows up.

Roy is…. intriguing.

The guy is a little older than Danny and very obviously has experienced hardships. Different hardships than Danny has, but the effects are similar. Neither spoke much around the other, but watched carefully. Both kept an eye on the exits and twitched at unexpected movements. And one night when Danny walked invisibly through a wall into the kitchen for a snack he caught Roy filling a backpack with long lasting non-perishable foods. The backpack also contained a change of clothes and first aid kit.

It was a bug-out bag. Very similar to the one Danny had grabbed through his floorboards when he ran. The one that he’d recently refilled and hid inside a wall just in case this job fell through.

He wouldn’t fault Roy for leaving, if that’s what he felt was necessary. Danny knew he and Oliver didn’t always get along. He’d overheard raised voices through the walls a few times; he couldn’t hear the words but their tones were clear. He understood the need to have paths open.

But he still gave a sigh of relief when Roy showed up to breakfast the next day (French toast with grilled peaches) and didn’t leave the following week either. They weren’t on friendly terms, but Roy was polite at least, and Danny was starting to get used to the surly presence.

He kept track of what foods went missing most often when Roy was around and stocked up on those more. He liked cantaloupe and honeydew but never touched the watermelon. He ate extra portions of the chili crisp tofu with rice and edamame one dinner, and even more of the green chili enchiladas the next, but barely picked at the honey ham and brussel sprouts later in the week.

Watching Roy kind of became a new hobby. Sure, he also tracked the eating habits of Oliver and Dinah, but they praised everything he made and were so open with compliments it felt a little forced. Like they wanted to make sure he stayed and thought the room, clothes, and not reporting him to the government wasn’t enough to keep him here. Roy never said anything he didn’t mean. He was blunt but not rude, open with his true emotions but not loudly expressive.

He felt real. It was reassuring. And Danny could relax around him in a way he couldn’t around his bosses. Danny felt the need to look and talk professionally around Oliver and Dinah - they paid him after all, and he was gonna do his best to mind his manners and appear happy and grateful around them. Smile back and laugh at their jokes, add lots of please and thank yous, and constantly reassure them he was doing well and didn’t need any extra accommodations. It was taxing.

Around Roy he didn’t need to smile politely or look happy, he could let his face fall into an exhausted slump and not get questioned or pitied. Neither expected anything from the other and that’s not something Danny had ever experienced before.

I was thinking about Danny making some cookies when Lian waddles in following the smell and she starts asking a ton of questions - but like how small toddlers do, by pointing and making questioning noises and maybe saying the few words they know.

So Danny drags her high chair over to where he’s stirring the next batch and lets her watch. He starts explaining as he goes, making commentary and answering Lian’s “questions.”

“Ah?” she points at the bowl.

“This is the dry mix,” Danny says, “It’s flour, soda, and salt. Not the kind of soda you drink though, this is baking soda.”

“Ah.”

“Yes, you’re right. It wouldn’t be fun to drink. Even if you mixed it with something. It could hurt your tummy.”

“ummy.”

“Yep. Don’t wanna hurt your tummy. It’s fun to mix with other things though. Not just in food. You can use baking soda to make toothpaste! Did you know that?”

“Toof?”

“Yeah toothpaste. Or a craft volcano. Baking soda and vinegar foam up really cool. A lot easier to clean up than other chemicals too. In fact it helps as a cleaning agent. I’ve used it a lot.”

“Ah~hh?”

“Oh all sorts of ways. The foaming reaction is good at getting tough grime out of fabric, that helped when I was homeless. Good at getting blood out too, but you gotta be quick or it’ll stain. You can’t mix vinegar with other cleaning chemicals though, like bleach. That’s a good way to gas yourself by accident. Learned that the hard way.”

“Aaah!!”

“Haha okay okay that’s boring, got it. This part is called the wet ingredients. I know the butter looks solid right now and sugar is a hard crystal, but both melt into liquids real easy so they’re considered a wet ingredient. Adding the eggs-”

“AAAH!”

“Oh do you wanna crack the eggs? Here lemme get a bowl for you… okay I know you don’t have fine motor skills yet so you can just whack it here and I’ll pick out the shell.”

The sound of a messy crack fills the kitchen followed by baby giggles and Danny chucking along.

“Good work!! Here lemme just wipe your hands. That’s a mess you don’t wanna get on your face or clothes. Even though you know how to clean it now. Okay, so adding the eggs and vanilla, then chocolate chips and pecans.”

“Peee!!”

“Hahaha, yeah same letters, but can you say can?”

“Pee?”

“Can. Pee. Can. Pee. Can. Peeee?”

“CAN!!” Lian shouts.

“Perfect!! Pee-can!”

“Pee-can!”

“Hey that’s it! You learned a new word! Here, you can have some chocolate chips and pecans as a reward. I’m gonna finish mixing this. Lemme tell you, having a kitchen-aid is a game changer. So much easier than stirring everything by hand. Makes me enjoy baking more. Didn’t do this much growing up cuz everything mechanical got taken apart and reutilized so baking and cooking was always a big ordeal. And the toxic chemicals in the fridge didn’t help matters. A lot more volatile than baking soda and vinegar, I’ll tell you that. I’ve heard people say baking is just chemistry but it’s sooo much easier! And it’s so much nicer being in a kitchen where the only reactions I have to worry about will make a mess or slightly burn something instead of chemical burns and poisoning. I don’t even wanna mention the hot dogs!”

Lian stopped listening or caring after she got the pile of treats, enjoying munching on some and throwing others as far as toddler arms could.

and grace who is so alien, but reflects eridian mannerisms that they've never considered strange before but coming from a creature so soft and strange, it just doesn't feel right. grace who stomps his foot twice when he asks a question, and it rings out flat and dull instead of the strong, sharp sound of an eridian hand on the ground. grace whose voice is so alien, so one-note, so full of articulations that are sharp and round and everywhere in between, but who echoes the melodies of eridian poetry and music, sometimes on accident but sometimes perfectly in time with what rocky translates him as saying, and later, perfectly in time with his keyboard.

prev this is NOT staying in the tags

You WILL love this person. It doesn't matter who you loved before; any feelings you had, any promises you made, they will become inconsequential as soon as you lock eyes with the stranger Fate has picked for you.

There's no way to stop it.

There's no way to say "no."

You will meet someone and with a single glance, both of you will become someone new, someone who's now bound to this stranger whether you like it or not, want it or not.

can someone explain what he's talking about i got distracted by his giant jiggling honkers badonkers

These are photos taken by Robert Landsburg of the eruption of Mount St. Helens in 1980. He realized he would never get to safety in time, so he kept taking pictures of the ash cloud for as long as possible. Then he put the camera securely in his bag and lay down on top of it to protect it before being engulfed in the pyroclastic flow. When they found his body, the recovered the pictures were invaluable to geologists because no one had ever been able to document an eruption that close up before.

I was here. I explored. I saw this. Remember me.