I'm Telling My Own Damn Story

clients across the world in all trades have access to smaller jpegs than you can even imagine

you have to forgive the printer because it's one of the most machine-ass machines we interact with on a day to day basis. that thing says kerchunk. hardly anything says kerchunk these days. you can't get mad at her when she kerchunks up a little.

Crazy that tech has gotten so bad that we're doing printer forgiveness now

goo goo dolls if they were in dune: and i don’t want the worm to see me

earlier this year 2 boys got expelled from my school for going on a teachers email and sending another teacher an email that says “you’re a disgusting little man” and i laugh about it all the time because imagine opening an email from your coworker and thinking it’s important and then it says that

this is the first time in my life i thought oh i hope there’s music

Your heart is not true enough to enter the gates of Margaritaville

fellatio sounds like a supporting shakespeare character rather than oral sex on a penis to be honest

i am going to suck you off! *puts in plastic vampire teeth and gives you the worst blowjob imaginable*

but ykw at least i'm not on mount everest. at least i'm not paying tens of thousands of dollars to slowly suffocate in a 300-person line at the gates of hell. never in my life will i have to be steered in a hypoxic stupor through the maze of poop and corpses atop mount everest. on this earth a lot of horrible things can happen to you without your permission but there are a few that you have to opt into. you can just say no thanks! and be guaranteed never to have to be on mount everest. much to be grateful for actually

still not on mount everest this morning 😌 alhamdulillah

It's actually super unethical to keep a peeve as a pet

"Peggle make phone calls" has become shorthand for "fuck it, whatever" for me but no one ever knows what im talkingabout and it's also longer (longhand?)