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he’s talking to a friend about a guy he knew once, trying to skirt around the nda, no names, no locations. telling a story about how this dude would work for hours at a time without a break, and having to remind him that the sun is rising, not setting, and finally being able to get some rest for himself.

goin into the grocery store, a year or two later, and picking up some sour skittles. there’s a photo of them in his apartment that he catches sight of when he sits down to snack.

he’s not ever breaking down about it, but there are moments when he journals about the last time he saw him.

he seems confident, he never doubts himself, he never doubts grace. but he sent him to his death, and that’s gotta be rough. i wonder if it’s the first time or the 15th time he’s had to do something like that. i wonder if he felt like he was talking to a ghost the whole time. like he looked at this dude, and saw the world that stratt was bending and changing into a bullet, and could only ever imagine grace in front of the gun. this world where it is necessary to make that gun. i wonder if he saw the explosion and heard the safety click off, knowing calmly in his chest that it was gonna go this way. maybe he’s had to be detached the whole time anyways. he doesn’t seem like the type to cry, but i feel like he would, that anyone would. they were buddies. it’s sad.

its different than stratt being the one firing. it’s the other people in the room who know she will be and know she’s right to.

it’s the people who don’t have to go to jail for life. who just have to live with the guilt, or shame, or lack thereof. people who watched the guy get tackled and drugged, because it’s the only chance everyone has, with neither the will nor the way to stop it.

i wonder if carl has moral injuries. it would make sense for his career, if i assume he was also an army guy, like steve in the book. narratively, carl is a way to externalize grace’s internal monologue. inside of the narrative, though, that is such an intimate place to be? and he’s smart, and he’s funny, and he’s calm under duress. he’s like. volition in disco elysium. like. “you know who you are, you’re gonna do great.” that feels right out of volitions scripts. i want to know about carl’s internality.

everyone is focused on stratt and they’re right to be, what with the glass cliff she’s on. she’s got a lot going on.

but like. was carl surprised? how long before ryland knew did he know? did he have to hype himself up, or was he ready the second they told him that grace was going up regardless of how that meeting went? did he consider them friends, or acquaintances, or just coworkers with an overlapping sense of whimsy? i wonder if he misses him. and if he does, if he feels guilty for doing so.

i like to imagine him trying to do the stuff that stratt can’t from jail, because it is the right thing to do, even if they weren’t closer than coworkers. because the only other people that grace knew like that are busy actually using the research he gave them to save the world. or they’re dead.

going back to grace’s school, because they wanted to do an assembly. telling them that grace was very creative and open in his scientific process. hearing stories from faculty and students about him, and seeing how it mirrored carls own experience. 2 kids cry. some kids whisper to each other. a teacher steps out halfway through, returning with a box of tissues, and a delicate air surrounding her. carl isn’t the most verbose, but he’s the one who’s available.

and then i imagine him living his life, and taking a moment while saying grace over a meal to thank ryland. i imagine his grandkids asking him about the guy who saved the world, and him nodding fondly, and bragging about his hypothesis. they don’t believe him, but they only hear about the legendary scientist who saved the world from the brink of death. but science isn’t one guy, working on the problem for 14 hours straight, carl knew. it was everyone who showed up, who bought in on crazy ideas, who believed enough that the problem could be solved. who cared enough that it was solved that they’d do anything to solve it, including some truly stupid shit with duct tape.

his wife asked him a long time ago, around the time they moved in together, about the photo. he told her, the first time he’d told anyone, that grace was scared. she was shocked–anyone would be–to hear that he was forced. that is not the story people told about grace. and then she asked if he regretted it, his role in that particular moment. and he knew he didn’t. it wasn’t hard. the guy he worked with, he figured it out. carl was right, that he could, that he would even if he was scared.

decades later, he knows it was worth it. not just for the selfless reasons, but the deeply selfish ones. he got a family, he got summer again, he got grandkids. selfish little perfect brats with the world to look forward to.