𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃.

Is this a invite? I was about to go into a deep answer of my favorite recent versus my younger years favorite but I realize this is a total ploy.

i'm basically demanding you to come join me, jason. demanding, begging, anything, if you will. but please, do tell me about your favorite recent versus your younger years favorite.

trust me, i'm still coming to terms with it, too. where the hell did the time go? i'm slowly adding more shows in but there all over the place date and time wise. how about this? i come see you perform and scream every lyric enough to make up for things and then i can give you a private show after.

exactly, where the hell did the time go, demi? i bet your fans are incredibly proud of you, though. deal, come to south america with me, and i promise you'll have an amazing time. and i'm looking forward to your private show too, very much. you can't keep talking it up and then expect me not to have ridiculously high expectations. so now the pressure is officially on, don't let me down.

It's only the best perfume there is in the whole wide world... just kidding. That's the cutest thing ever and it has just improved my day dramatically. I fear your house may no longer belong to you, Zayn. The fact she even knows the brand exists kind of melts my heart a little, can't lie, I'm too soft for kids. If she wants a whole package, with different products even if she won't use them, I'll send it over. Has she started reading yet? A personalized letter is on its way!

the best perfume in the world? we'll see about that, i think i'm going to buy it for khai and find out if you're actually right. to be fair, she's been begging me to buy just about everything your brand sells, so i suppose this is inevitable. honestly, khai runs my entire life at this point and i just do whatever she tells me to do, i've accepted my role. i'm not the parent anymore, i'm just an employee taking orders from a very demanding little boss. and, to be honest, k-pop and millie bobby brown are basically the only things she ever talks about these days, and i have absolutely no way of stopping it. not that i'd want to, it's actually quite funny watching her get so excited about the things she loves. she's slowly learning to read, but if there's anything she can't manage yet, i can always read it to her. she's going to lose her mind when she gets all these gifts. i'm already preparing myself for the level of excitement that's about to take over the house, i have a feeling i'm going to spend the entire day listening to her talk about them, and somehow i don't think i'll mind one bit.

okay, true but absence makes the heart grow fonder. this is no exception so yeah, they're going to lose their fucking minds, man. oh wow, nice mention of the farm that i've never been invited to. it's cool anyways. the last thing in the world i'd ever want is to be hanging out with cows and chickens. solid stops. you got some time in between to enjoy the cities, too, or are you fully on the go? but yeah, that's a good hack. or at least just put one on the stage. stock up on the right ones and you're golden. but you'll be more than fine. probably going to be met with the loudest crowd of your life.

we should remember that i'm very good at disappearing for a while, so i hope they miss me because i honestly have no idea when this is going to happen again. sorry! but why the hell do you need an invitation to come to the farm? just fucking show up, you know i enjoy your company. i won't have much time to explore cities or do any sightseeing, to be honest. i kind of want to get everything done as quickly as possible so i can get back to khai as soon as i can. and i'll wear a jersey on stage, i promise. i've heard they're the loudest crowd in the world, and that's honestly what's got me so excited. how many times have you been there?

Shit, mate. Never wanted you to feel that way. That's completely my fault on that - please forgive me? I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself while I wait for the OBX press to start so getting into that headspace never makes me the best person to be around. How's your tour been going? Nothing but good things for you, I hope.

nah, you know i'm just fucking with you. i'm not mad at all, i know you've been busy with stuff and i would never blame you for anything at all, mate. tour was really nice, got to meet a lot of people, the fans were very proud, it was exhausting as well. getting ready for south america now and i'm sure it's going to be a good time. when does the obx press start?

exactly: you're not in a relationship right now, which means i'm allowed some space in your life, but it's the same cycle, zayn. as soon as you do get into a new relationship, you'll forget all about me. again, i'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt in thinking you don't even realize that you do it, but you're being a bit of a dismissive ass right now, if i'm being honest. can't you take a moment to consider that i may be speaking the truth here, and you just haven't noticed somehow? that my feelings about this aren't something unfounded? i do want to be there for you, i care about you tremendously, but i know it's only a matter of time before you close me out again. and before you answer and deny, i want you to actually think back on your last relationship and how many times we talked during that time. compare that to before the relationship. and then again and again.

daisy, i am thinking about what you're saying, i really am. but i think you're taking a feeling you have and presenting it like it's an objective fact, and those aren't always the same thing. you're saying that every time i've been in a relationship, i've forgotten about you, i don't agree with that. have there been periods where i've been less available? yeah, probably. relationships take time, work takes time, being a dad takes time, and sometimes i get caught up in whatever is happening in my life. but that's very different from forgetting someone or deciding they don't matter anymore. what frustrates me is that you're talking as if you've already decided what i'm going to do in the future, you're telling me it's only a matter of time before i close you out again, before i've even done anything. it's like i'm being held accountable for a version of me you've already created in your head. and honestly, if we're talking about feelings being valid, then mine are too. it doesn't feel great being told that no matter what i say, you're already convinced i'm going to disappoint you. you asked me to think about the past, and i can do that. but i'd ask you to do the same and think about all the times i've still shown up, all the conversations we've had, all the moments where i've made it clear that i care about you. i think the truth is probably somewhere in the middle, maybe there were times when i wasn't around as much as i should've been, i can own that. but i don't think it's fair to say i forget all about you every time someone else comes into my life, because if that were true, we wouldn't still be having this conversation. i care about you, daisy, that's not up for debate. what i don't agree with is this idea that our friendship is just some countdown clock waiting for me to abandon it.

yes, i’ve been in the studio. i have taken a few days off because it was my birthday a few days ago. i can say that music is on the way. that’s all i can give you handsome. how’re you? how was your tour?

oh, fuck yeah! glad to know we'll be getting new songs, it's about time. happy belated birthday, by the way, how did you celebrate? i'm pretty good, tour was great, lots of people, lots of fun. getting ready for south america now, it's going to be a good time.

It’s why he gives Khai $500 when she loses a tooth.

listen, if anything, i'm the best dad in the world.

how has your day been so far? done anything fun? i bascially sun bathed for 6 hrs.

my day? pretty good, got to do a few things around the farm, it was a nice day. nothing to complain about. six hours, though? that's kind of crazy, did you have fun? any company?

i got two girls, yeah. and listen, the only calls i seem to make outside of work ones are solely related to play-dates because my oldest is the only member of the family with a thriving social life so i get it. a new friend for the girls will also save me from make-up sessions that end with a brush in the eye and the inevitable moment i forget and leave the house still rocking a five year old’s “work of art” like a mad man. i’m in the states right now, but what do you say to coming over with khai when i get back? i’ll make sure the house is stacked with sweets and juice for the kids, and a couple of beers for us.

you know, you're really selling this whole parenthood thing. nothing says "i've got my life together" quite like walking out of the house with a unicorn drawn across your forehead because your five year old decided you needed a makeover. honestly, though, that sounds nice. khai would probably have a great time, and it'd be good for her to have another kid around to terrorize instead of me for once. i'm starting to think children operate in packs anyway, leave them together with enough sweets and they'll create a small civilization before dinner. and look, if you're offering free beer, it'd be rude for me to say no, i was raised better than that.

Have you seen yourself? If Chris had somehow ended up marrying you instead, the internet would've collapsed under the combined weight of everyone's thirst. Look at you buttering me up, I like it. I'll keep you around. Thank you, love. We're very happy, that's for sure. Even if I don't even know how to begin planning the wedding.

chris would never marry me because i'm pretty sure he doesn't like men. then again, i don't like men either, so honestly, i have no idea what point i was trying to make there. what i do know is that you should keep me around because i'm amazing. i'm glad you're happy! planning a wedding must be a nightmare, though. i genuinely wouldn't know where to start. do you pick the venue first? the guest list? the cake? the flowers? there seem to be about ten thousand decisions to make, and i'd probably get overwhelmed after the first three.

Pay me to dance for you? You're making me sound like I work at a strip club. Though I have to admit, the image of you completely losing your mind over a chair dance is making this negotiation a lot more tempting than it should be. I don't want your money, though. What else do you have to offer?

i highly doubt you'd be upset about taking my money to dance for me. sure, i could just go on youtube and watch the same videos over and over again, but it's not exactly the same thing, is it? there's a huge difference between watching a screen and having you right there in front of me. besides, i think you're severely underestimating what a generous customer i'd be. i have so much to offer, you have no idea. i could provide excellent company, endless praise for your performance, and probably far more entertainment than you'd expect.

9 - who is someone here you'd love to work with?

she's lying, she's just trying to find a way to spend more time with me.

i saw you're playing in brazil right around the time i promised my vovó a visit. so, is your show worth the hype ? to drive all the way over to são paulo ? a girl needs to know. / @maliiiiiks

i don't actually know what a "vovó" is, but if you promised that person a visit, then i think you should keep your word. a promise is a promise, after all. of course! i'd like to believe my show has been going really well and that people have been enjoying it quite a lot. the crowds have been amazing and every night has felt a little different in the best way possible.

i'm doing cyndi lauper's part. fight me on this.

i'm michael jackson judging everyone.