"you can jack off you can eat grapes all else banned" is kind of the post of the summer because literally wtf else are you supposed to do once it’s 30°C outside

used to think it terribly silly (and kinda funny) when fantasy or sci-fi stories would have people refer to major recent historical events as The Flood or The Incident or The Revolution, and im sure historians fucking hate that because it's not helpful or descriptive, but we sure do be calling it The Pandemic

Doctors are like: ughhhhh. You're confusing. Come back if you die

remembering you have organs inside of you is so sickening like man i do NOT need to be fully aware of the fact that like. my appendix is just IN there. doing fuck all

jinxed myself with this one bc my appendix decided Brother, I’m Going To Start Doing Something (Today) and now it’s gotta come out

thanks to everyone who’s said any variation of “happy pride month to your appendix” in the tags. really appreciate that.

it’s weird that professional letters are supposed to start with “dear.” i don’t even call my mom that

my darling hiring manager. my springtime rose. if hired i will bring a strong work ethic to this position

Keep salting the wound I'm close

How do you know you're not Asexual? Maybe you just haven't met the right nobody.

If you're younger than 50 years there are termite queens who are older than you

happy pride to them