Trust Me I'm (Almost) a Doctor

Like, it’s a bunch of actors at the table read, and the main story would be the “movie footage” of those actors in the remade film, but the film would periodically cut back to those actors during the table read, who are skeptical of certain points, or fangirling over moments in the movie, or wondering how they could ever live up to the original version. Everyone has different opinions about the movie and the characters and the other actors and it’s about seven different levels of chaotic meta and character dynamics. For extra fun,these different opinions about the movie and the characters are reflected in the “movie footage”. Like, say, Buttercup’s actress objects to the fact that she’s less than useless during the fire swamp scene, so they play the scene with Buttercup walloping ROUSes with previously unseen martial arts skills. But then someone else objects to how stupid that is, and the next scene has her going back to exaggerated uselessness. Or one actor thinks Humperdinck should be played with mustache-twirling villainy, and another one thinks he should have complex layers of emotional turmoil, so the “footage” pingpongs randomly between those two interpretations.

And then you could add to the meta by having some of the original cast among the remake cast’s actors–like, they were brought in for nostalgia cameos, but then they have opinions about how the story is supposed to go and start coaching the remake actors. Which leads to things like, suddenly Cary Elwes is in black and “playing the part” of Westley for a scene or two in the “movie footage” with no acknowledgement of the change.

Timeless (2016) S1E012 - The Murder of Jesse James 

Bass Reeves, protrayed by Colman Domingo. Rufus Carlin, protrayed by Malcolm Barrett.

Watch it  here , get Bass Reeves: Tales of the Talented Tenth  here

He was assigned to bring in the notorious female outlaw Belle Starr. Once she got wind who was after her she turned herself into the federal court.

Reeves was one of a few Marshalls who would venture into Indian territory *oklahoma*. After the age of 67 he retired in 1907. He enjoyed his short lived retirement as a police officer in Muskogee Oklahoma, his assigned beat had 0 crime reported until he died at the age of 71 of Bright’s disease.

One of his famous tactics was, if he was captured or in danger by a criminal he was hunting down, he would ask them to read a letter from his wife before they killed him. He used their distraction to free himself and get the upper hand.

He was also a freed slave. George Reeves, his owner and reason for his surname, took Bass with him to fight in the Civil War. However, George became violently angry after Bass beat him at a card game, and Bass was forced to fight him (or kill, on some accounts) in self defense.

After running away and entering Native American territory, Bass learned how to speak the languages of the ‘Five Civilized Tribes’ (Cherokee, Chickasaw, Choctaw, Muskogee, Seminole). This part of his life is where he mastered marksmanship. He got married and had a family after the Emancipation Proclamation was declared, and then later became a Marshal, going on the adventures listed above (and many more… Another famous criminal that Bass captured was Bob Dozier.)

Gandalf: *hurriedly glances at Thranduil. the king of Mirkwood’s eyes shine with curiosity and greed, but not recognition, nor the terrible lust that overtook Feanor and his sons. right, right, he was never in Thingol’s court while the jewel that Luthien and Beren took was there. we’re good. we’re good for now*

Gandalf: [mental image of a goddam Silmaril in hobbit hands, labelled “thisfuckingrockagain.jpg”]

Galadriel, who watched 95% of her family slaughter everyone within 100 miles for several thousand years over these things, including each other and themselves: no.

Elrond, who was very nearly one of those people slaughtered, and did watch most of his town be killed before he and his twin were kidnapped for a while: Absolutely Fucking Not.

Gandalf: Apparently fucking yes. The legendary Arkenstone-

Galadriel: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Elrond: Thorin Oakenshield has a Silmaril right now?

Gandalf: No, no.

Gandalf: Bilbo stole it.

Elrond: *wordless sputtering*

Gandalf: @Galadriel [information packet: BilboBagginsoftheShire.pdf]

Galadriel: Oh yes, Belladonna’s boy, you were telling me about him last winter. 

Galadriel: Btw, orc+warg army probably coming your way. Spotted it in the mirror last night. Thank goodness we dealt with Dol Goldur at least, huh?

Gandalf: [thisfuckingrockagain.jpg]

Gandalf: [oncomingorcwargarmy.jpg]

There are two different editions of The Hobbit out there and the in-universe explanation is that Bilbo is a liar and didn’t tell all the true when he wrote down his book.

In-universe, all the books are the result of a game of telephone played by translators and copysts. Also, the books are very Noldor/line of Elendil-friendly.

“Some cases are simple and some are trés compliqué but all are of interest because all, you understand, rest solely on the character of the participant.”

They look neat but there’s a reason these beasts were retired. The Mercury Streamliners, as they was known, got off to a good start. They improved the quality of travel and attracted many tourists to the rail service, which in the 1930s was already growing less popular as a result of the flourishing air travel industry.

But it was not to last. In 1938, a Mercury Engine plowed into a cow named Bessie in upstate New York and, lacking a cow catcher, the collision tore off part of the sleek streamlined veneer that covered the engine underneath. This is what a Mercury Streamliner Engine looks like under its slick armor:

Clearly visible are the three toothy skulls with phallic lobed craniums and bladed jaws. The public was horrified.

To explain, the Mercury Engine was designed by Hans Richard Giger, father of future “Alien” creature designer Hans Rudolf Giger. Like his son, Hans Richard was known in the art world for his dark and disturbing designs. Having won the design contest for the Mercury Engine based on its exterior, the manufacturers were willing to ignore the unseen undercarriage’s necessary skeletal and demonic fashions.

Once seen however, the jig was up. The public demanded the engines be taken offline, and it didn’t happen a day too soon. It seems the Swiss architect had designed his trains with much the same mentality with which Ivo Shandor designed 55 Central Park West- As a doomsday device.

Had the Engines been online only ten days longer, they’d have seen The Day of The Awakening of the Unholy Star, a Neokhlystic holiday on which the world was mourned in preparation for the end of all time. As designed, Giger’s trains would’ve come to live, devouring and digesting their patrons in a blood sacrifice to the Satanic Lord of Carnage, Beelciftan. Had the sacrifice been accepted, the apocalypse would’ve swept from New York across the globe. So said the legend.

Here’s the thing- Legend or not if the Mercury trains had remained online a week after they were revealed as demonic devices, their owner, Bill Gruss von Krampus would’ve had the funds he intended to send to the Nazi Regime in Germany in 1938, which would’ve allowed them to start their nuclear program two years earlier. This would’ve given them the Bomb in 1943, two years before the United States completed its Manhattan Project.

So the demonic plot may well have come true in reality had the unsettling underskeletons of these beasts been revealed. There is now a monument to the Cow of Albany that died to reveal the truth.