Adventures of Maengo

So long story, I wanted to read some light novels on my iPad but the room felt too quiet. I didn't want to put on music because I end up singing along to it so instead I put on a movie. I just played whatever and seemed like it played Tinkerbell and The Neverbeast. (Don't judge it's cause I watched Barbie movies and stuff sometimes when I'm down)

An hour and a half later I wasn't even reading I was so absorbed with it that when the ending happened I cried so damn hard. I realized this might be a movie to help kids understand or come into terms of a loved pet dying.

I just sat there for 5 mins crying my eyes out, the credits even already finished rolling and I was just staring into space. God the ending hurt so much.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m in an endless loop of sadness and hopelessness and everything just seems to be so far away. like whatever I do it's like it doesn’t involve me.

like whatever decision I make is just something that happens and it doesn’t really affect me for real. I feel like I’m only someone controlling a sim. I know its not true and I’m probably dragging myself to ruin since I’ve been missing work and life in general.

I told my boss today that I’m missing work because of my emotional state and she told me to make sure I can manage it next time because I’ll get a memo for my absences soon, I know I’m doing this to myself and nobody else is to blame for this. 

I just can’t get myself to do anything today.... I don’t feel human at all.

I feel weak and empty and like nothing I do will ever make everything okay.

I know I need help, I’ve been through this cycle enough times to know its not normal. Hell I even cried about toothpaste once. the smallest things drive me into distress and I just... need... space... to... breath...

I know “depression” has been around for ages and all and I’ve always thought that’s what this is but not being diagnosed and not being sure... I didn’t want to claim it. I didn’t want to say “I have depression” and just roll with it when hundreds of people who actually are diagnosed go through worse pain.

I’ve gotten sick, I developed Gastritis due to stress and my unhealthy eating habits. I’ve gained weight since I just curl up in my bed and force feed myself junk food. I stopped going out. I stopped reading my books. I stopped writing.... God I stopped writing..... I couldn’t find happier words not only for my stories but for myself so I decided to stop.

once I got into a fight with my boyfriend and he was genuinely trying to help me, he was trying to keep me grounded because he knew I was so close to just ending it all. he told me to write again.

I picked up a pen and the first this I do.... is write a suicide note. 

I never really materialized a plan in my head on how I would kill myself but then I always knew that if I let the thoughts plague me, I’ll end up doing it. So that time when I wrote down a suicide note I realized that the plans do materialize in your head. while I wrote the words images of me thinking about drinking that bleach we have in the bathroom, taking my cutter and driving it deep in my arm, taking a rope and hanging myself. 

so many images of my death.

I wrote it down and afterwards I felt better. knowing that if I were to die then people won’t blame themselves, they won’t think I was murdered and end up trying to avenge my death.

But they will still won’t they? they will blame themselves for overlooking the signs, they will blame themselves for not being there enough and they will destroy themselve since there’s nobody to blame. nobody to get revenge on. just plain old regret and sadness.

I didn’t kill myself that day and that note is still tucked in my notebook. 

Yes I know its not normal and I really need to see a doctor for this. I would take any pill in a bottle if it means I can be normal, if it means it can regulate my emotions. I want to be so high up there that I will forget I was once pushed down on the ground.

But.... I don’t feel like gathering my pieces today..... I don’t feel like putting myself together so I’m sorry, please forgive me. I couldn’t be human today. I promise I’ll try harder tomorrow. I’ll do better tomorrow. use stronger glue, cover myself in packaging tape and get myself out the door.