it’s nine thirty pm and i’m a bit tipsy and about to go to sleep and heres a long list of things i’ve been thinking about a lot recently that i haven’t told anyone about that i’ve written down over the past few days. it’s just a lot of complaining sorry i know it’s annoying i just need to get it out of my head
- i feel like i’ve lost my ability to actually talk about myself / tell people about my problems because of last year & i always just say i’m okay and ask about them & i’m too scared to try getting better at it again and i can tell it’s hurting my relationships but i don’t know what to do about it
- barely anyone talks to me here unless they want something. i miss talking about supernatural or movies or my cats. again this is mostly my fault (see above)
- my mom keeps talking about how i’m going to decorate my dorm room & how i’m going to make friends at college but i’ve barely thought about the former because i can’t let myself get too excited in case i get sick again & have to leave and when it comes to the latter i’ve prepared myself to not really have any
- i’m so scared at being replaced at all times, especially since they started having me play piano for the whole camp. every time i make any mistake i have an intense physical reaction like it’s so scary
- i had a dream a few days where people wanted to have sex with me and then they saw my body without clothes and didn’t want to anymore and left
- also related to above but i keep having dreams that i don’t remember / only kind of remember but still feel the emotions of for hours after so i’m having days where i’m stressed because of a dream until the afternoon but have no clue what i’m actually stressed about
- increasingly having moments where it’s like i’m shoved back in my body & i don’t feel real & it’s really disorienting
- when can you start to be frustrated when friends / co-workers misgender you. second question when can you start to be frustrated when family misgender you.
- i was opening a bag of candy the other day and a friend called me ‘a fatty’ as a joke (she would do it a lot with someone else who left a few weeks ago) and on one hand i know she doesn’t really care but on the other hand it triggered me really badly especially on a rejection sensitivity front and i feel like i can’t talk about it with anybody because nobody here knows i have/had an ed and i don’t talk about my ed with my parents
- i know it’s the fatigue disorder but my first thought every morning is about how tired i am and sometimes i think about how that’s how it’s going to be every day for the rest of my life and i wish i didn’t have to wake up
- my sister asked me a few days ago if i’d go on a run with her and i was like ? no? and she was genuinely annoyed/confused and went why not?? like she couldn’t think of a good reason why i wouldn’t and i was internally like i don’t think this is ableism but it’s definitely Something
