major yikes, bud

resurrected dead wife watching her own montage: wow I looked so hot in that

“Do you see me as cattle to milk whenever you grow thirsty” was really something

mother please how will we survive the winter

I think when anyone is trying to write a child, start from here because this is EXACTLY how I remember feeling as a child.

I have raised SEAGULLS

once you realize you don’t actually need to sleep, you can really (stops talking abruptly and stares straight ahead for 4 minutes)

one cool thing about having an autistic dad whose special interest is underwater spearfishing is that when he catches fish he'll just call up a nearby chinese restaurant like "hi. i caught a fish. can you cook it and i'll bring my family by?" and they're like "yeah sure come on over white boy" and the fish is delicious.

it's worth adding that my mom is chinese and she always gets embarrassed by this. like she doesn't want to come to the restaurant with us. she doesn't want to be seen with the white man she caught plus the fish that her white man caught. everyone who works at the restaurant thinks my dad is awesome and compliments him + her for choosing him and we all find this very fun except for her.

We’re under a severe thunderstorm warning rn and my dad just opened the door to show my dog because he was begging to go out and it reminded me of that part in Dracula where Dracula opens the door to the howling wolves and Jonathan’s like um actually I’ll stay inside thanks

when you have plans in the morning you can still live an eventful & fulfilling life afterwards but when you've got plans in the afternoon? well that's your whole day

not now kitten. daddy's realizing that the scene he invested 1000 words into could be significantly improved but only if he started over from scratch

take heart, daddy! your time was not wasted! the 1000 words of developmental work you put in, even if ultimately scrapped, were necessary scaffolding for the final draft! meow or whatever

in case you don't know what amphibians look like