For the Dykes & the Dolls

everyone who reblogs this and is like "I ordered my own tea this week" or "I only barfed once when I had to give a presentation'- you are doing amazing sweetie. Have patience with yourself, you are relearning a skill so difficult that people get 4 year degrees to do it professionally.

i went to the starting village and they didnt even tell me to kill 5 dogs. they just told me that my vibe was awful and that i should probably just die all things considered. and i was like. okay but dont you need a hero to slay the demon queen. and they were likd yeah but its obviously not you. you suck so hard.and i was like ok but what about the 5 dogs and they were like honestly i hope 5 dogs kill you. well whoop dee fucki g do. wait until they realize im actually the chosen one. yeah. ill kill 5 dogs all by myself thank you bery much. and NO that isnt my pee. i would never do that

i got to the second town and ive killed over 12 dogs and ive unlocked my first ability (basic fire spell) and i was like hey guys its me. yup. its your chosen hero. gonna save your realm. and rhey were like Fuck off. like Fuck you. they told me my outfit was "fucking ridiculous" and that i looked "stupid as fuck" ans that normally they would send me on a dangerous quest to defeat a goblin king in the woods so that the town elder could give me a special key that unlocks the way but they told me theyre jusy giving it to me for free so i get the fuck away from them. but jokes on them. i'm killing the goblin king anyways. im gonna show everyone

ok so i won but with like 2 hp and i used all of my potions and no one will heal me because im weird. so i guess im just fucked. fuck my.life i guess. i guess they really want me to die

so i ran intona group of thieves (random encounter) but when they saw how fucked up and weird i was they gave me a potion and let me go and like they didnt even take my gold which like i have a lot ofbut no one will sell to me because im weird. so i guess i just keep this fucking gold i guess. im still using the starter weapon. no one will sell me anything else. i dont fucking know what to do with all this gp. this realm fucking blows

and no. i still havent peed myself. my jester suit is yellow down there for a very normal reason

welp. i had to kill a fuckton of dogs and random enemies. i killed a bear. yup. i straight up killed a bear. anyways i found a cave and it had a stronger weapon but it was hidden behind a strong as fuck skeleton wizard but ws soon as they saw me the skeleton wizard was like. ew oh my god. why do you smell like that. just take the axe. get out of here. why are you dressed like that. so i just got a powerful axe i guess. now i have to kill even more random skeletons and evil animals i guess. i have no idea where the next town is cus the persom whos job it is to tell me that said mu boobs looked fake and told me to go away so what ever i guess

third town and yup. you guesses it. they HATE my ass. i didnt even bother trying to tell them i'm the hero. like it would not make a difference. the town armorer and the local fair maiden grab me and put me in the stocks. people have been throwing shit at me all day. i think theyve been trying to get into my jester suit. i didnt even do anything but at least they didnt bother taking my stuff. at least. yeah. i dont know how long theyre gonna keep me here. i vaugely overhead what i think is an important questline so once i get out of here i totally know what i'm doing

escaped the stocks. no i dont want to.say how. i really dont want to say how. anyways. i got my stuff back and some extra gold too. um. as a tip i guess. found out there was a whole qiestline that i think was supposed to involve me crossdressing to rescue some child and then get an important book that i have to.recite from in order to unlock a.dungeon but i straight up just went to the place i was supposed to go and let the kid out (shitty kid btw) in the middle of the night and wemt to the kids dads house and crawled through his window ajd took the book so were good. i did also gst chased out of town by angry hoard. yeah. but we did it. dungeon time i guess

yknow im increasingly feeling like most of my life is just grabbing random bullshit items to grab more bullshit items

ok so dungeons fucking suck when you know 3 abilities and have a single mid tier weapon i guess cus wow this rsally fucking sucks. its not like the 99 wolf hides in my bag are doing anyrhing. i think i'm supposed to be able to sell this to the guy with the fucked up fur clothes for gold to buy supplies but the dude genuinely just hides whenever i come around. like behind a barrel or something. like i can clearly see him hiding but yknow whatever. anyways. ive had to kill a shit ton of greater slimes and skeleton mages here and im really fucking struggling genuinely. ive been frozen so many times. this sucks. but ive discovered you can just eat slimes if youre hungry enough so i guess thats a new skill i learned. whatever

ok so i was just in the wrong dungeon. the only reward was a single staff that allows me to do twice as much damage with fire based attacks. which is. fine. i guess. i did all of that for literally nothing. im literallg a fucking idiot. fuck. maybe all those townspeople were right about me. anyways. im doing the actual dungeon now and its like wayyy easier than that fuckass fire dungeon. probably due to the staff. man. im such an idiot. someome should kill me for being such a useless piece of shit

.... ok. i got one of the pieces of the shattered whatecer the fuck you need to defeat the demon lord from the dungeon boss. i didnt kill it. its still down there. i dont really wanna talk about it any more than this. um. yeah. dungeon cleared. i guess.

made it to the first major city. theres a lot more peolle which is good but i think they all hate me which is bad. ive just been walking down the street and women pull their kids away and men give me angry looks like wtf. what the fuck man. but it cant get any wotse than that day of the stocks i guess. ive been looking for anywhere i can like rest lkke maybe a hotel or inn or advemturers guild or SOMETHING but people keep kicking me out and citing "smell" or "appearance" so i guess im just fucking sleeping in alleys i guess. whats crazy is i have so much gold now. lkke gemuinely more gold than anyone should have. and its entirely necause no one will let me spend it. i feel so fucking useless. and i keep telling people i'm gomna liberate them from the demon lord's rule and NOBODY belirves me. like they tell me the hero wouldnt be whatever the fuck i am and its like. Fuck. I thought the hero could be anyone. but whatever i guess. anyways as im writing this i can see a little kid staring at me from behind a crate drawing my mask on his little piece of parchment. which. poor kid. hope she'll be alright. whatever. goodnight

so i just met one of the demon lord's top operatives while skulking around the city at the middle of the night. we had what i think was supposed to be a tense confrontation pn the rooftop of a buildimg where she had her badass sword and distinctive armor and shit all badass amd chuuni like, im pretty sure shes supposed to be like a rwcurring villain rival figure or something, but that is NOT what happrned. she saw me and i was like, oh im the hero, lets fight, and she eas like. no. no you're not. and i was like. yes the fuck i am. look at my powerful staff and my cool axe. and she took her helmet off revealing she was avtually a beautiful woman (definitelt NOT supposed to happen until later) and she was like. no fucking way. you are not the hero. i just do nog believe you. and i was like yes i am lady and she was like. well. i mean. do you like wanna be friends. and i was like no i have to free the realm from you and your master and then she started hitting on me??? it was really scary???? why was she doing that???? anyways i ran away but i think if i hadnt she wouldve tried to touch me wrong

anyways. currently killing 5 dogs to try and secure another item i can use to. well. i have so fucking many key items for quests that i cant complete because no one will talk to me. whatever. maybe one of these days ill find an item that makes me worthy of love

do you ever get the feeling the whole world hates you

beautiful tall woman wearing a sports bra and overalls and fixing a motorcycle just lit a cigarette with a blowtorch i almost walked into traffic

The real world is crazy most of the people I work with don't even know what an oubliette is

I be running my fingers through my bush pondering ancient wisdoms

Not shaving and not wearing make up are literally nonbehaviors. They’re a complete lack of action. But doing nothing is considered masculine because women are not allowed to just be. this goes double for trans women.

reblog this version because transmisogynists don’t know how to fuck off.

"i ate too many cookies" is truly an ageless problem. an unlearnable lesson.

I love that this joke works in English even though it's not written in English.

i think we are long overdue for a game that does the reverse of 90s first person shooters and actively makes fun of the player for picking the hard difficulty