Lost Again

People ask me my name and I don't have an answer. What do I tell them? Do I say, Hi! I'm E.G. I'm fourteen. I'm a regular kid.

Do I say Hey! I'm Einar. I'm trans. I'm suffering from mental illness.

Or do I say nothing at all? Do I leave and pretend that I don't exist? Do I go silent, and float through life like a balloon someone accidentally let go of?

I don't even know. You tell me.

All I know, is that when I think about what it means to live, like really LIVE, i get this empty feeling in my chest, and a fogginess in my head. Like… I'm lost.

So, if you were to ask me my name, I guess I might just tell you the truth.

A first's a first and this don't seem like the worst.

Liqueur, liqueur, why not?

Worse than weed? I bet not.

Love this bottle, now it's mine

Smoking weed behind seven-eleven.

Honey, did it hurt when you climbed out of hell?

and that girl won't cause me hurt.

and she will love me the way i love her.

and we will give each other the world.

But she is not that girl.

and today is not that day.

I am still alone without her world.

To fly?

I wonder.

How does it feel

To 

F

  A

        L

  L

?

How does it feel

To live?

I wonder.

How does it feel

To die?

Tick tick tick tick

Echoes in my head

I breathe in and out, trying to think,

But i end up panicking instead

Watching the pages of my story

Slowly tear and burn

Smiling, a glint my eyes

Covering up the hurt

Beep beep beep beep

Echoes in my head

My brian is stuck

On every thought,

Every noise

But my body goes on

As if

All is fine.

Not say "it'll get better" not say "I'm sorry."

I say I'm fine but I'm getting worse.

Every shout, every yell

Wish I had someone to tell.

Because home

is not home

when your family

god made me a sinner,

so I'll burn myself again

Like no one gets it.

And I feel alone.

Kill the girl you say you loved and turn myself to into a boy

I hate the parts of me you touched, I hate the skin that covers me

Because you poisoned me, my skin, my heart