Under månen

I took out all of my piercings tonight.

I replaced them all with bioflex. I’m just trying to stay very still so they don’t fall out. I took off my wedding ring too 🙁 feels weird without all my jewellery on. I keep thinking there’s some bit of metal somewhere that I’ve missed. The nhs website also said that an MRI can make tattoos feel weird too so I’ve got that to look forward to.

I have to go and collect my diazepam in the morning so that I’m sedated for the MRI. I’m having it because when my ovarian cyst ruptured they found a lesion on my kidney and they want to find out what it is. They’re not particularly worried about it, luckily, but I’m glad they’re trying to get to the bottom of it.

Have I explored the world enough? Have I done enough with my time on earth? Have I learnt enough languages? Have I spoken to enough people? Have I fulfilled my potential? Will I ever fulfil my potential? What if I don’t fulfil my potential? What’s the point of life if I don’t fulfil my potential? Why does life happen so fast? Can I not just be happy with what I have? With my health and my happy simple life? What if I’m a few days pregnant right now without knowing? Are negative pregnancy tests actually positive? Can I even get pregnant in the first place? Why do I automatically think a stomach cramp is a pregnancy? Will I ever stop having nighttime emotional spirals? Will I ever be able to remember coping strategies before they drift away from my fleeting working memory? Why do I constantly feel like I’m too old too old too old? Why do I constantly feel like I’ve wasted my life? Why do I always feel like my life is over at 33 and I’ll never have any more achievements? Why can’t I ever remember any of my achievements? Why do I have no sense of self? Why do I feel like I exist in a vacuum? Why do I feel unreal? Why do I feel like I don’t have a body?