after-after-dinner mints

this is a piece of shit and it’s okay for me to say that because no one. i’m sorry caleb landry jones and his wig are clearly not on speaking terms. he pissed off that hair department i know he did. anyway no one’s sadder than me that i’m not enjoying a movie about dracula starring caleb landry jones but it’s trew. i am not having a good time more than i am having a good time.

they gave this woman curtain bangs hello are we not still in the mid 19th century. she may as well be wearing a pimple patch

yeah he’s in the wonka fit

do we really need a full scene dedicated to johnathon harker making his great escape. exit pursued by cartoon gargoyles. i could be watching van Helsing right now and having a much better time

just when i forget about the cgi gargoyles they show up again.

oh my god there’s another hour of this

i don’t liiiiiiiike thissssssuh but i wanted to SO badly. also some of these accents are egregious. to me. i think this movie can’t really decide what it is OR i misread the tone at the start because am biased.

oh noooooo

this is a children’s movie at such jarring moments

i’m actually beginning to worry i hate this

i can’t believe that i’m going to have to direct a dracula movie myself and cast caleb landry jones in it again just so someone can do it right

caleb landry jones should have fallen in love with a fellow redhead for this and also why don’t vampires cry blood in this movie it always looks so much cooler when they cry blood??????????????????????????????

why would you add “well THAT just happened” humour to what should obviously be a gothic melodrama. and i cannot emphasise enough how much the cgi gargoyles look like cgi gargoyles.

this movie is lit way too flatly and the dialogue has one too many marvel movie esque quips for me to love this :( Oh good and now there are cgi gargoyles

and if they don’t have caleb landry jones say “i never drink………..wine” i’ll spit on the next french person i meet.