Liviathon

I haven't seen anyone talking about this and just wanted to make a quick post on here.

Akihiro Miwa recently passed away peacefully june 20th, and was not only a drag queen and a queer icon, but also the japanese voice of Arceus in the movie Arceus and the jewel of life, as well as the witch from Howl's moving castle and Moro from Princess Mononoke.

and he paused for a second and then said, “when you’ve been taught from a young age that crying is weak and you should train yourself never to cry for any reason, you assume that everyone else has trained themselves too, so anyone who cries has to be doing it on purpose. it took me a long time to realize that wasn’t true.”

i went over and was about to put in “single” or “it’s complicated” and, well..

As I continued reading, a feeling of certainty and a hint of panic settled over me. I realised that I related to one too many points made in this book, and yes, I might be somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I was still very hesitant to label myself "asexual." I previously used the label "Pansexual", and even if not all, most of the people I've met, queer or straight, seemed to understand what it meant. They understood the core idea of pansexuality and did not have much trouble accepting it.

I had previously also suspected that I might be asexual. I completely embraced the term and used it to describe myself and put it in my Instagram bio and on my socials. But I hadn't done the required research on asexuality, the micro-labels, the split attraction model and the difference between libido and sexual attraction. So obviously, I felt that the label did not suit me and changed it again to "Pansexuality" in haste. It was an embarrassing blunder to me back then. I was fully convinced that I was not asexuality at all. I thought I had all the required proof now.

Because I masturbate almost every day and have sexual thoughts and fantasies almost every day too, there was no way that I could be asexual, right?? That's what I thought before I came across a micro label, "Aegosexual", and researched more deeply into what being asexual means to different people and the diversity of the experiences under that umbrella term.

I think I truly realised that I was ace when I read about the difference between libido, sexual attraction, and sexual fantasies. It was a shocking revelation to me that someone could be constantly horny without it being directed to anyone. That someone could have sexual fantasies without seeking an outlet with real people. That was very shocking... but also freeing and liberating for me. It felt like something heavy with expectations had lifted off my back.

It honestly made me realise that, yes, even though my libido was quite high, I had actually never directed my sexual drive towards anyone. Most of the time, when I felt aroused, I took care of it myself and was quite satisfied with it. And if I admire someone a lot or become very close to someone, I always want to be physically affectionate with them and form a deep platonic bond, but the thought of sex with them would weird me out, and I would put it out of my head very quickly.

In the past, with my ex-girlfriends too, whenever they tried sexting with me or sent me sexy pictures and wanted to arouse me, I would masturbate and try to become sexually aroused for them, though it did not really work out, and I felt that I was forcing myself to feel something that came "naturally" to others. At one point, I panicked that maybe I was not queer at all because I did not feel horny towards women. Was I straight then?? I was terrified. I thought I was a fake.

But now I see that it's because I was ace. I've always felt very nonchalant and indifferent towards sex, just like I am indifferent towards romance (I'm aromantic btw lmao), and I do feel very comfortable with the idea of never having sex with another person forever. I always thought that it was pretty chill and that sex always involved way too many risks anyway. But I did not want to admit it myself or to others because I thought that would make me the biggest loser on the planet. But that was compulsory sexuality talking for me.

I've always imagined a childless, marriage-less, partner-less life for myself. I did not want to be bound down by any of it and live my life freely and completely according to my wishes. I've always been a super independent kid from the beginning. I've always dreaded and felt viscerally horrified by the idea of being "bound" or "belonging" to one person eternally. That sounds like romance to people in general, but to me? That sounds like horror.

I've also felt awkward and uncomfortable and did not relate to any of the romance, crushes, or sex talk around me. It felt like people were inhabiting an entirely different world from me and were also speaking in a different language. I felt left out, excluded, alone, and I felt like I could not speak here and had nothing to say. I almost...felt like an alien.

Even with people I got very close to and almost wanted to start a qpr with them, I couldn't imagine having sex with them. I wanted physical affection like cuddles, cheek kisses, and hugs a lot from them, but beyond that, I couldn't imagine anything else.

This is what being aroace feels like to me...that I'm constantly navigating a world where I feel invisible. Being Aegosexual and sex indifferent towards real people is a unique challenge. It took me longer, with repeated attempts, to understand myself and to untangle the confusion around my sexuality. And it only happened because of Asexual writings. Asexual people find their own language, terms, and models of thinking and scrutinising. That's what helped me reach here. And that is why I also felt this desperate need and this desperate urgency to articulate my aegosexual experience.

Discovered last year I couldn’t look at my 2015 MacBook Air without it triggering nausea and migraines, and figured the screen died. Have been getting by on my phone, but concluded I really need a laptop again.

Saved up, realised I could afford a brand new MacBook Neo, and got one.

-And I couldn’t spend more than five minutes looking at the screen without massive eye strain, nausea, vertigo, and if I pushed it, I-need-to-lie-down-in-a-dark-room-for-hours migraines.

Looking up MacBook and Eyestrain explained what is going on. The liquid retina displays that Apple currently has uses Pulse Width Modulation or PWM. In order to give the screens a deeper depth of colour and contrast, PWM flickers between several hundred to thousand times a second.

And there is currently no way to turn it off. There are settings and apps to reduce it, but there is no way to stop the screen from flickering. Checked Apple forums, called Apple Support, and the time I could look at the screen kept shrinking. Got the laptop Tuesday, returned it Friday, today is Sunday and I’m still dealing with a vertigo migraine.

For MacBooks, it seems to vary on the computer model and the software it uses. In retrospect, the issue with my MacBook Air started after a major software update.

And it’s not just an Apple thing. Current Windows and Android screens do the same thing. There’s even a Reddit for people who are sensitive to PWM flickers to help find computers and screens that won’t trigger eyestrain and headaches.

So, yeah. This week has been a learning experience. But for those who are prone to headaches and migraines, this may be something to be aware of, cause I was not.

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