paid off all my debts to myself

i hate this year so far, i feel like i can't even catch enough of a break to have my status quo be my regular status quo of the usual amounts of pain and fatigue and executive deficit and dysregulation and misery..... i truly feel like I've only had about 4 or 5 weeks all year where my life has been just the usual level of awful that i'm accustomed to living through

helen says (correctly) that i'm always saying unrelatable af things, both good and bad, as though they're things that happen to everyone, and i remember saying to rau, several years ago now, "do you ever feel like you're so close to peace and wellbeing and fulfilment rather than permadrowning, like if things were just a little bit better then you could actually really live?" and they (gently and sadly) were like "no?"

it feels hard as well with social life atm and dating life,like fuck i really wish there was some kind of status i could put on my whatsapp that's like "i'm not alive at the moment, check in again in a few weeks"

i still have hope for getting better. and definitely have had even within the last week days where i have felt "alive" and "like a real person"

and not currently feeling so fucked up that i think that other people can't see me/i don't exist/am dead, and end up knocking into people accidentally in the supermarket because i assume they know I'm a ghost, etc

have taken some zopiclone and big mouthful of cbd/thc oil, less serotonin-y now and not angry, indifferent and dissociated instead which is a relief

6 hours of sleep would be fucking awesome and I'll hate life tomorrow but I'll survive it. and try to talk to one friend, maybe thirza or mary.