slutty elvish disco queen

This is one of your worst posts yet man

You called me dirt sucking poor and told me my carrot looks like a cock

I hope my spider fucking book will hold universal appeal

The person who tweeted “y’all can’t even boycott Chick-fil-A” was right then and continues to be proven right now

I rock up to strip poker night wearing a t-shirt with an image of a Russian nesting doll on it. When I lose my first hand, I take it off to reveal I was wearing a second shirt underneath with a smaller but otherwise identical print. After the sixth shirt I am thrown out of strip poker night.

*street shot of zohran mamdani clad in nasty lil suit and hard hat* five months ago i was elected mayor of new york city. in that time, we have managed to COMPLETELY defeat the Staten Island Minotaur at no additional cost to the new york taxpayer

clowngirl getting an orchiectomy and the surgeon just keeps removing ball after ball after ball after ball after

clown nurse standing by solemnly adding each successive ball to the ones she's already juggling

my writing gland is purple and swollen

Just tried to play an ancient flute and it started filling the room with this awful miasma that wont go away

people think armand turned evil again because no one accepted his apologies but it’s actually because he lost the ipad in the divorce

in law school, my mom took me to this stress retreat because my family was vaguely aware i was a suicide risk. and they didnt allow phones, so i brought this huge bag of books. and one of the options for "destressing" was this fake cave grotto thing, where they'd decorated a room to make it look exactly like an underground cave and the air was like -10 degrees, but there was a like 4ft deep pool in the middle that was kept super super hot, so you would just switch between the hot and cold. and they would bring you an endless supply of this weird syrupy drink thing that was like super caffeinated and tasted like sugar and mint. and so i spent multiple days sitting half submerged in this fake grotto drinking mystery liquid and reading. and i have to be honest i really did feel less stressed

they're trying to get me to do something called ""my job"" instead of reading about medieval english poaching laws

wait wtf is cream soda

cause when we're creaming and popping...

we’re cropping?

we're peaming

there’s not a star in heaven that we can’t reach

Can’t believe my job makes me do my job on the days I am scheduled to work my job what the fuck