Laurie

Kissing time! The tinier they are the bolder they get >:3c

If someone grabs you and intends to move you towards a second location, fight like your life depends on it:

Think of a cat. Cute, fluffy, adorable, right? Much smaller than you. Imagine picking up that cat… and then having a friend dump a bucket of water over it. Hell no, right? You’d get straight-up shredded. Even a big solid guy wouldn’t want to do that.

If you’re on a bike, cling to it. Make it harder for them to snatch you because now they have a bike to deal with as well. Be embarrassing. Make a fool of yourself to make scene. Scream bloody murder the whole time you’re able.

If he’s got both hands on you he’s not defending vulnerable spots. You’ve either got at least one hand or your teeth and legs free and it takes 8 pounds of pressure to do serious damage to a throat.

The strongest muscles in your body are your jaws, and if anything is in range of your teeth BITE. Bite like you want your teeth to meet. A good thing about human mouths is they’re full of bacteria, and if you manage to break skin, you will almost certainly give the perp a nasty infection.

Whilst germ warfare won’t save your life at the time, consider it as a reminder NOT to fuck with you.

If your mouth isn’t full of flesh, SCREAM. Your attacker does not want attention, and you do. You’ll start to push the scales in your favour as the likelihood of witnesses intervening increases. Like most predators, your attacker is trying to pick a fight they can win - they do not want to suddenly take on another person who has been attracted by the commotion.

this 1 centimeter ruler might be my favorite.

Ineffable inktober day two!! Eden!!

Due to the well of my friends’ “def not an axe murderer” date recommendations drying up, I have turned to that most sacred of modern relationship institutions: online dating. As a very busy person trying to get it in with other very busy people, I prize honestly and directness above all else when it comes to profile creation. I include full body shots in my photos, try to minimize the use of MySpace angles in selfies, and write at the very top of the summary/caption/profile that I am fat. Not “curvy,” not “thick,” not “lots to love”–I’m f*cking fat. I’m not ashamed of it, but I also known that weight is a dealbreaker for lots of people. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

About a year ago I met “Evan” via Tinder. We exchanged friendly messages for a few hours one night and agreed to meet up for drinks the following evening. I waited for a full hour past the designated time, and just as I was getting up to leave, the texts started rolling in.

“I can see you sweating from here.” “How long does it take you to roll out of bed every morning?” “Is there an earthquake or are you just getting up for more pretzels?”

Really idiotic, juvenile shit. Four separate numbers, commenting on things like my clothes, which clued me in that the senders were nearby. This went on for 15 minutes before I finally saw Evan, trying to hide in at a corner table and giggling with a group of buddies. I made eye contact, saw that he saw me, and then walked out. The texts kept up until I blocked the numbers a few hours later.

I ran into Evan about 3 weeks later. We got on the same elevator, and he tried really hard at being super interested in the emergency phone instructions. I just confronted him, and he admitted it was just some “game” that him and his friends play. He knew I was fat before agreeing to meet up; they all did, because that’s what they do. Match up with fat women, then either ghost them or “troll” them at the meet-up. It was also kinda obvious he’d never seen any consequences from this bullshit, as he was sweating pretty hard and looked more humiliated than I felt. I just said whatever and walked out, expecting to never see him again.

About a month ago, some local foodie wrote a great review of the restaurant I own, and we’ve been slammed ever since. In the past, I stayed mostly in the kitchen, but I’ve been doing more and more front-of-house stuff lately, and Valentine’s Day I was working a bit of a split between the two.

I saw Evan just as he was pushing in his date’s chair. My name isn’t on the restaurant, and he didn’t see me. I checked the section up at the hostess stand and saw that one of my favorite old-timers, Nan, was going to be his waitress. I went to the bar till, took out $400, put it in her hands, and said, “This is going to be your only table for the rest of the night. You are going to make this the worst date he has ever been on.”

She spilled every single thing she brought out to the table, all over him. I was waiting for him to blow up on Nan, but he bottled it up, obviously trying to make a good impression on his date. She seemed like a perfectly lovely lady; I told Nan to make sure everything was good for her and terrible for Evan.

She poured ice water on his d*ck. She smacked the back of his head with the edge of a tray. Spilled soup on his shirt. Dropped every fork he asked for. I personally oversalted his food, used the shit liquor for his drinks, used flour instead of sugar on his dessert. To be honest, I don’t know why he didn’t just walk out. He must have really wanted to f*ck this woman.

Finally, he cracked. Demanded Nan find the manager and bring her out. I was only too happy to emerge from the kitchen with my chef’s coat and say what, I’m not ashamed to admit, I’d been planning out all night.

“I would have said hi earlier, but I didn’t want the earthquake to disturb your dinner.”

I will savor the look on Evan’s face for the rest of my life.

He was a little too flummoxed to explain, so I pulled a chair up to the table and introduced myself to his date, Amanda. Told her how I met Evan. Showed her some fun old messages. Then I told gave her a voucher for a free meal on her next visit and told Evan to get the f*ck out and never come back.

Christians will deadass claim to be oppressed but feel comfortable and safe enough to:

Force non-Christians to pray to the Christian God in their own fucking homes

Go door-to-door to proselytize

Call people to proselytize

Take classes to proselytize (my mythology teacher actually dealt with this, and now has to include a warning on the first day of class)

Cross the fucking ocean to proselytize

Openly tell people they think they are going to Hell

Insist that their beliefs should influence the law

Get all pissy if someone says this isn’t a Christian nation, but a beautifully mixed one.

Have radio stations built around their religion

Have movies based on their religion

And fucking everything else

You think your company pays you out of the goodness of their hearts? Or even out of “market pressure?” The “job market” is a myth perpetuated by the capitalists. Corporations would pay you nothing if they could get away with it. And you argue “oh, but if they paid me nothing I’d just go to another one.” Wrong. Because to maximize profits, they all want to pay you nothing. Corporations exist to maximize profits while reducing risk for investors. It’s part of their entire function to find ways to cut costs as much as possible, and that includes finding ways to pay you nothing.

Unions are your defense against that. You think all a union does is strike? If you pay union dues, a lot of that is spent on lobbyists in various governments reminding your lawmakers that you have rights as a living human being that a corporation should not be able to stomp all over. Unions hire lawyers so that if you’re fired for bullshit reasons, the union can stand up for you against your boss. They’re called unions because workers are uniting to pool resources so that they can stand up to these corporate overlords with more money than God. Unions exist because you might not have the words, resources, or time to fight workplace injustices all by yourself. That’s the whole fucking point.