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it kind of just feels like nothing will ever be okay again. lol. my birthday is in two weeks and i didn't even realize until my best friend asked if i was planning anything for it. i don't want to do anything. i'd honestly rather just be alone because last year my brother had a little birthday party for me because i had just moved and didn't have any friends in my city yet. and i'm going to be really really sad about that this year. it was one of my happiest memories. now every memory i have is tainted by his alcoholism because i constantly wonder how i didn't notice or if it was always this bad or if all of that was fake and whoever he is now is who he's always been. i wish i knew how to explain anything i'm feeling to anyone but nobody gets it regardless. this is the most isolated i've ever felt in my life and also it's been two months of this emotional turmoil and people won't admit it but they always put an unspoken time limit on how long you can have emotions about something. i had someone tell me that i have to start living for myself and i'm not my brother's keeper so i should just stop involving myself with him. like okay yeah thanks for your useless fucking comments about something you clearly never had to experience. how fortunate you must be

sometimes i wish i could just share my lived experiences by transferring my memories to someone else's brain instead of having to tell the same story over and over. because no matter what i say and no matter how much time i take to explain myself i still feel fundamentally misunderstood. i've been cancelling plans a lot lately because as soon as i agree to plans it turns into "oh and we're going to have alcohol" like okay then i'm good actually. i don't want to be around alcohol when i'm still witnessing how it's destroying my brother. he was sober for 4 days and now he's at a bar again as i type this so it's just this constant heartbreak over and over and over. and then i get shamed for not showing up. like these are people who know about my brother and who have unfortunately witnessed my devastation and anger and they think i should be over it by this point. how can i be over it when i have to survey his visitation with his daughter every week because he can't be trusted alone. i still have some of his things in my apartment even though he isn't staying with me anymore. i have constant reminders all the time and everyone thinks it's nothing to me. i moved to a new city for my brother and my niece. my brother was the person i trusted the most in the entire world he was my best friend all my life and now i don't know him at all. and they think it means nothing to me. because really it means nothing to them.