moo

But then when he sees her coming he gets all bashful and runs away 😭

INFECTED WITH RABIES,

NOW COUNT HOW MANY WOUNDS,

THEY HAVE FROM SCABIES,

…

*Shrnf…*

*Horace Turns His Handsome Snout To Face YOU*

Ana: After calculating and pulling of the greatest sleep dart of all time. You can do nothing but watch as your teammates wake up the ulting genji and die as a result. Nobody stays in your line of sight. Please stay in the line of sight. Stop jumping me. Please protect me. God dammit.

Bastion: You desperate desperate desperate fool. You have no skill. You think you can carry the team, and depending on how much ass your opponents suck. You can. Fuck you.

Brigitte: You either stick with the team and constantly disrupt enemies and make their life hell, or you’re a fucking dps main thinking you’re playing a dps and rush off by yourself.

D.VA: You’re a bully. You like jumping poor defenseless squishies, and when they escape you will throw your ult at them. Who cares if you lose. You have to send a message.

Doomfist: You’re annoying at best. Play something else you loser.

Genji: You are a Genji Main. You’ve watched all the Avocado videos so you know what you’re doing. Don’t ever switch. Show them you can 1v6. You will eventually 1v6 them. Don’t worry about it. You’re the best. Always go defense genji.

Hanzo: Stop playing Hanzo yOU FOOLS. SCATTER IS NOT BALANCED.

Junkrat: Fuck off. You don’t need to worry about nerfs because Junkrat is Jeff’s waifu. You piece of shit.

Lucio: Boops are the only thing that matter. Healing is second. Don’t worry about it.

Mccree: It doesn’t matter if you can’t hit the broad side of Roadhog’s ass. Just Fan the Hammer! Only Fan the Hammer! It’s the only thing you’re good at.

Mei: You enjoy watching people die right before your very eyes. You probably enjoy kicking puppies.

Mercy: You will never get off Jeff Kaplan’s Wild Ride…your life is hell.

Moira: You’re a DPS Hero. Healing is secondary. Don’t worry about it.

Orisa: God you’re so boring. You’re just boring but you have to play her cause she’s useful. Cute robot though.

Pharah: You can’t aim but that’s okay! That Mercy pocketing you will ensure that you never die, it’s not like you can rely on a Hanzo, Soldier, or Widowmaker to actually hit you.

Reaper: You like to get into people’s faces and shoot them. That’s the only strategy and you will do it over and over again until it works. 3EDGEY5ME

Reinhardt: The supreme one. You’re unstoppable. Just charge into the enemy. The role of a tank is to protect the team, and the enemy can’t hurt the team if they’re fucking dead. It’s not like you can rely on the DPS to actually kill things anyways. Be sure to thank your healers…on a side note pick up a pocket ana.

Roadhog: The only capability you have of tanking is your vaping abilities and your Victoria secret model body. Just hang around like a fat dude and hook people, and hope you have good teammates. Don’t count on it.

Soldier 76: Stop firing at the tanks, shoot at the Pharah. Stop. No what are you doing. Stop it. STOP IT. SHARE YOUR BEER JUICE.

Sombra: stop hacking me and piss off. Nobody else is there with you…why did you ult?

Symmetra: Fuck you.

Torjbjorn: Torb is a support, tank, defense, and dps hero. You can never go wrong with this unstoppable hero. Every torb you meet is a Top 500 torb and must be treated with respect. On a side note please go away.

Tracer: Leave me alone. Even Mercy can solo you.

Widowmaker: You’re more interested in sniping than actually winning the game. Yes. Please. Just stand there and watch as the payload reaches its destination. Go ahead. Take your time.

Winston: You’re not a monkey. You’re a scientist. You think you’re some kind of unstoppable god AND you try to jump at Tanks to kill them. You’re an idiot.

Zarya: you’re only useful for your ult.

Doomfist: Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Hanzo: Nobody will miss you Scatter. In the meanwhile sure have fun missing me until you happen to randomly nail a head shot. Yeah I’m sure you did that on purpose.

Ashe: BOB BOB BOB BOB BOB YOU FUCKING CHAMPION FUCK YEAH AHAHAHA. Hm? Oh Sure AShe is there i guess. Have fun with the dynamite or something.

anyways

BOB BOB BOB BOB BOB

Wrecking Ball: SOMEBODY KILL HAMTARO HE’S JUST SPINNING ON THE POINT- NO HE FUCKING GOT AWAY. WHY DOES HE GET HIS SHIELD SO FAST. WHY IS THIS RAT SO FAST. WHY CAN NOBODY KILL HIM.

Baptiste: Y’know? You’re okay. It’s okay. I understand. I too just spam both healing and shooting at the same time and point at the general direction of both my allies and enemies while hoping for the best. I believe in you.

Echo: Oh wow I can’t wait for the next healer she’ll be so cool. Wait what the fuck is that. Oh god my barrier’s destroyed. Oh god the bombs are striking. THE LASER IS BURNING.

So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather? 

Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.”

Alien: “……. I’m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?”

Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.” 

Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.”

Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”

Alien: “……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?”

Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.” 

“Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.”

“Amazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?”

“… well, actually…”

“… what?”

“…we kinda……. sent……….. people…..”

“…”

“…”

“…what?”

“we sent-”

“no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?”

“y-yeah”

“and they didn’t… die?”

“Well the first few did”

“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?”

aka The History of Russia

aka Arctic Exploration

1. Learning to recognize all forms of animal tracks in the wild so you can avoid bears and moose and search out rabbits and other small animals to eat.

2. Extensive swimming and climbing on glacial pieces with competitions to see who could last the longest, followed by a group sit in the sauna so we wouldn’t get hypothermia (no, not kidding, I really did this many times as a kid!)

3. How to navigate using the stars to get back to civilization.

4. How to select the right type of moss from the trees to start a fire with damp wood (because, y’know, you’re in a field of snow. Nothing is dry.)

It only takes one try before the reality of the situation sets in: human definitions of ‘taming’ and ‘habitable’ are woefully incomplete.

“Why did you not eliminate the venomous plant life?” Grahssk’ti moans, clutching one limb.

“Those?” The human laughs. “Why bother? They’re not that bad. And they eat the mosquitoes.”

Grahssk’ti shudders. The ‘mosquitoes’ are… not to be mentioned. Just one swarm of them caused a landing shuttle to crash three planetary daylights ago.

“And the acid storms? Why did you not warn us of them?”

“I mean, they’re annoying,” the human says, shrugging, “but we figured the cool sunsets made up for it.”

Grahssk’ti flails helplessly. “What about the ten-meter tall Fanged Death Bringers? They can eliminate an entire settlement in under an hour!”

Without fail, a decent number make it a point to settle there because “Fuck You That’s Why.” It doesn’t matter how uneconomical it is, how difficult the conditions are, how utterly ridiculous it may seem, there will be at least one human who will attempt to do it only because someone else regardless of species says it is improbable or WORSE impossible. 

“Well yeah, but only up to about Category 3 strength.  Then it’s time to pack the car and head inland for most people, although a few hardy souls stick around and ride them out.”

“Oh good.  Category 3 is what again?  Winds up to 75 kilometers per hour?”

and i like feet

everytime i see them