everything & all things to me

This post is a fave Sam post to me. And it's true. Part of Sam's issues is not trusting himself or his own wants and needs. Often because he doesn't even think it's his own or because he thinks it's monstrous and evil to have those at all.

But I really think it goes highly underappreciated how much that's not just his issues. Sam is the character in the show who struggles the most with psychosis, addiction (to blood btw!), as well as a highly specific experience of people and things around him not being real and/or being monstrous. I've definitely seen people talking about his issues with autonomy and control but it actually goes even further than that. Can we really say his beliefs are even irrational in his context?

Him thinking he's on the "knife's edge" of losing control over himself and his environment entirely, for example, is actually a completely valid fear for someone who struggles with actual addiction and isn't always in touch with the reality of his world.

Of course, his beliefs and repression end up making him more vulnerable to those very things, sure. But he's not fully wrong. As a character, he tends to be pretty All or Nothing. And often has issues getting his facts straight before getting his story straight ukwim? So if he believes, "If I allow myself to indulge in good food right now, I will end up drinking blood within the day", he's not correct but also not wrong. He might. It's a real possibility. So his only option is to lock in, neglect himself and others, and only focus on the one thing he has chosen to care about at this moment. (This one thing is smth that often gives him either control or an outcome...like saving Dean).

This is why I think he doesn't trust his needs (they might distract him and then he'd lose control...slippery slope but only half as a fallacy), but he does trust his wants. Wants are flexible to your emotional priorities at any given time without you actually having to process those emotions.

If he wants power after Dean's death, he is going to pursue it at full speed no brakes no stops. He trusts that want way more than he will trust a need to grieve or slow down or even a need to be human or eat food or have companionship. After all, he's highly limited in his ability to get his needs fulfilled anyways. And that's been true ever since he was a kid. The things he wants and needs have been incompatible with the reality of his situation. Let's say he wanted safety and status. Two things he was not able to ever prioritize when he was a kid. (His safety was prioritised but I don't think he sees it that way. He probably just thinks, like young Mary, that the hunting lifestyle was putting him and his family in danger. And again, he's half right).

And when his wants are incompatible with other people's needs....well, he's learned how to ignore that very effectively.

dean is sam's punching bag. and i think that's a role dean has actively cultivated as well. especially in the conversation with meg in 1.11 and then the revisiting in 1.16. in 1.11 sam lashes out at dean because he can't really lash out at john. and in 1.16 sam can't quite stand by what he said because the truth is that it was just frustrated venting. but this dynamic arises because john made dean responsible for sam's safety as a kid while also emphasizing that sam was only safe with them while also himself alienating and frustrating sam to the point of wanting to run away. so, given that dynamic, it is far far far easier for dean to foster an environment where most of sam's frustration is vented at him rather than john. cause dean is there; dean won't push back; dean won't punish sam for his outbursts of frustration.

i'm also sure that given what we see in canon, dean absolutely downplayed his own intelligence and played into the "grunt" role for sam's benefit while they were still kids. sam so clearly felt left out and frustrated at being not included in hunting but we know both john and dean felt sam was in danger and were trying to protect him from that danger. so having sam be research boy means that he can feel included and needed and useful (powerful for keeping him around) doing research and computer stuff while john and dean are off doing the more dangerous parts. sam feels included *and* necessary especially if he feels the research part is unique to him; that dean just *can't* work it out on his own.

i mean this isn't even the only time dean downplays himself to make someone else feel better about themselves. i think about dean calling himself and mary "two terrible cooks" while meanwhile, we know dean is an excellent cook. it's a pattern of behavior.

i think for a lot of dean's life it's like... well a family member that's rolling their eyes at you or judging you or even yelling at you is a family member that's still in the room... :(

anyway, hi anon! thanks for the ask and for letting me go on a kind of tangent about it. although i suppose how could you have stopped me...