I'm just a guy

Hello. I use this place to rant and ramble, so that’s what I’m gonna do. I am a trans man, and I’m still closeted. I’m so terrified to come out. I don’t plan to any time soon, and I never will until I leave this place and am away from it all. I wish I didn’t have to live in fear that I will be hated for who and what I am, or who I may love or who I am or want to be. It’s not fair. I want to be who I am without consequences. I don’t want to be trans, I really don’t. I want to be a cis man, does that make any sense? I can stand the idea of being viewed as a trans man. I know I should have pride in it, and I do! It’s just a feeling that I cant shake. It’s a constant yearning for a tomorrow that is never to come. I will never be cis and I don’t know how to deal with that knowledge anymore. It’s become something that I can no longer ignore, and burdens me every day. I wake up and know that if I’m ever found out that I will be absolutely hated by the ones I love most. There is no comfort in anything anymore, and I’m stuck in a constant angry battle within myself. I can’t look in the mirror and see myself. My true self. I don’t think I ever have, but its getting worse. The things on my chest are nothing but inconveniences to me, and every day my hatred for them grows. The hatred for myself grows. I really wish I was a cis man. There’s nothing I can do to make it easier, either. My family is extremely unaccepting and will catch on far too quickly or open their STUPID mouths and make me feel horrible, which they already do, but I don’t think I’ll be able do deal with that. This world is truly such a horrible place. I can imagine most of the trans people here can understand how I feel, and I hate it. I hate that other people know this feeling all too well and it kills me. I wish I could make it stop hurting for everyone. I can’t stand that these feelings of ours are romanticized and treated like nothing but something that should be shamed upon. We are viewed as predators and many other things it would hurt me to say. Dysphoria is one of the worst things I’ve ever felt and the fact that if anyone I wanted to care knew, I’d be ridiculed and possibly even killed for. I hate this. I hate this so much. I just want to be happy in myself. Truly, almost nothing makes me more angry.

I almost forgot to put my rant in for today. Today was pretty nice. I think I like having a tumblr blog to rant on. Nobody really sees these things, but at the same time I know people can. It’s like talking to somebody but nobody at the same time? It’s nice to do in a way. It’s different from just writing my own private thoughts down, because in that way I’m pretending. I want people to be able to hear what I have to say if they so choose. It’s better because I get what I want either way. Nobody is forced to read, and I get someone yet no one to talk to. It’s very nice. It’s currently 3:30 in the morning, and I’m sitting on my bed surprisingly not listening to music. I’m listening to the silence of my room and the gentle buzz of the fan I have going all hours of the day because it gets so hot in this room. I may go to bed after this, but I don’t feel like I got to say enough today. Today was okay. It started off well. I got up and got ready because I had to take my grandma to her doctor, which was super far away by the way! I met a cute guy at a store we stopped at, too, so it wasn’t so bad. When I got home, I got online and messed with my friends. It was okay but one of them keeps nitpicking at me. I’m not his friend, he is just there but the other admin and I will soon kick him out. Someone was doing very triggering things in front of me without acknowledging it, and I started to get upset obviously, because it wasn’t something I liked too much. It was small and dumb but god does it really set me off. The rest of the day today this person has been nit picking. I almost had my first panic attack in a while because of him. I scratched my hand up again in efforts not to break, but its not too bad. Other than than I’m pretty okay. 

Hello, I’m not gonna act like I know a lot about these terms, but I have been doing research for a good while now and I am so very confused. I’ve been seeing this term “delusional attachment” going around and out of curiosity, I decided to do research and also to educate myself on the matter because someone I know believes they are a da. I found that there is absolutely no professional research on it, only a few tumblr blogs and amino posts along with one website and a carrd. I tried to keep looking and found nothing that gave too much information of what it really was. I kept digging and did more research and found that “Delusions of Grandeur” This made so much more sense and has good research on it, and I just don’t understand why people are trying to make a new term for it. The two don’t seem to be very different, and from what I’ve read the da term was created by someone who is not a professional, and also homophobic and racist. I find it upsetting that there’s a pride flag for it too. It is enabling an awful person and welcoming it into the LGBTQ+ community, as well as feeding into the idea that being LGBTQ+ is a mental illness. I feel like not many people know about Delusions of Grandeur, seeing as people are saying delusional attachment. Delusions of Grandeur is a persons belief that they somebody(or thing) else. They genuinely believe this, while with a delusional attachment they are aware that they are not truly that character, which seems to be bs because...It wouldn’t be a delusion. The delusions impact these people’s every day lives and they won’t listen to any form of reality checking. I may just be confused and also talking out of my ass, but ??? What is going on? Can someone please tell me more? (if anyone that knows anything come across this) I didn’t mean any offense by this, I am genuinely confused. 

Hey tumblr. this is my first post, which is pretty cool I guess. I though it’d be cool to come here and display my thoughts to everyone, even though I know nobody cares too much. Anyways, I started listening to more bands other than just my regular Nirvana and Queen. If anybody sees this, please recommend me some new songs. I’d love to listen to them and expand my music taste. My current music taste really just consists of grunge and dad rock (I like to call it that because it reminds me of what music a middle aged dad on his boat would listen to. What can I say? Ole Daddio has good music taste.) I have no idea how or why, but I’m just hearing “Cover Me” by Candlebox and I’m so in love with this song. It’s really good. They may be one of my new favorite bands. Tonight has been kinda tough on me. I’m seriously regretting some shit I did. It’s currently 2:17 am and I’m listening to music on spotify and making this post to distract myself I guess ha-ha. Anyways, that’s all for this post. I might put some tags in idk.