parentless

one day i will say “i am going home” and it will fill me up to my fingertips and it will fill me up to my core because my home will be more than a bed or a building. when i go out it will not feel like escaping. when i come back it is not a caging. the sigh of sheets and clean laundry and sipping jasmine tea. 

“What I’ve learned from being abused was mostly about how the human body reacts when faced with constant terror. I know how it tries to distract, tries to minimize it and calm, tries to stuff it down where it turns to anxiety. And then how it goes cold, shaking, self conscious, craving for any sort of relief. And then, hyperventilation, paralyzing, panic attacks, trembling, begging. Chronic pain, all organs aching, inability to digest. Dry mouth, nightmares and flashbacks, inability to relax for even a second, paranoia and constant alertness. Sometimes anger comes out in desperate attempt to protect from fear. Exhaustion. Fainting. Losing control of limbs. Desire for pain. And then, there’s numbness. When body goes past the point of fear it’s able to experience and survive, it detaches, dissociates from reality, and you’re not yourself anymore.”