A Quarter Life

07/06/2020

Its been days! Nine entire days since I've even talked to my best friend and I don't even know any more. All this time I've been thinking I don't need him. I don't need to be treated like some once a month let's have dinner and then get flaked on friend. I'm worth more than that! I have feelings and I'm not needy! I'm not stupid for wanting to hang out with my best friend at least once a week! My feelings matter damn it and I don't appreciate them being written off as needy! I fucking matter!!!

And now I'm laying here in bed debating. I lost my best friend before thinking that way. Thinking that if she really cared she'd come for me... But this time I don't want to sit here and wait, hoping that he'll care enough to look for me first. What if he takes it the wrong way and it is the end? I'm so close to just going to his house and crying and saying that I do miss him and I just want us to be normal. I'm at the point where I'm so close to not even caring if everyone thinks I'm dumb for it or if even he thinks I'm pitiful. I'll take any scraps I can get at this point. I just miss him!!! I miss his stupid laugh and his annoying tendencies and I miss his dumb shaking leg. I miss watching RuPaul and eating Pho. I miss our drives and I miss eating at Las Fresas! I miss holding his hand and I miss teasing him because I demand hugs!!!

6/26/2020

04/04/2020

03/23/2020

I give up. I'm tired of caring about other people and giving them 100% when they can't do that for me. I don't even know if it is true or not, but if it is (which I'm sure it is considering that other people knew but me) then I'm broken hearted. I can't trust any one at home 100% because they never regard my hurt as serious. So what is the point of telling them when they just brush off my pain!? And now him too!?

I've always said that I just wanted someone to understand me and that meant being honest with me too. But even if I held him in that regard as my best friend, apparently he never did. I knew it was too good to be true. Not like there's ever been someone out there who cared the way I did. I don't know why I thought I had found someone who needed me as much as I needed them.

I guess I am just a charity case for him since he always likes fixing people.

Edit 03/25/2020

3/13/2020

What am I supposed to do when it starts feeling like I'm not wanted any more? I mean... I get it. My BFF is working and he has a new job and he's tired and has his mom and brothers to take care of, but I miss hanging out. Even if it is just sitting on the couch watching tv or him playing video games and teasing me while I read. Lately, I don't even get that. The last three times I went over he didn't say a word to me and two of those three times I left without even saying bye because he was playing.

We don't do anything any more. No more late trips to pho or to get fruit, no more RuPaul or anime episodes, no more nothing...

2/25/2020

2/20/2020

1/19/20

1/6/20

New Me.

12/16/19

This is huge, but not something I haven't even dared to put here. It happened, and I've been fighting it for months, but it finally happened. I think... no.

Nevermind.

I can't say it. Not even here, where no one will ever know. I just can't.

It breaks my heart every time I think about it, but what can I possibly do? It hurts, but then I get that small moment of happiness.

12/14/19

11/19/19

Off to work, but my car is freezing, so I'm sitting here waiting for it to warm up.

Is it just me? Or is everyone else super excited for Christmas? I can't wait! Usually I'm excited and I go and buy everyone's gifts. This year I'm super excited because I decided to make something for everyone instead of buying them something. I really hope they like them. I made 25 notes on why I love them, what I notice about them, or prayers for them and rolled them up into little jars. I even made paper Christmas trees and glued them to the bottom of the jars with fake snow. I can't wait until they open them.

10/24/19

I want a baby.

There. I said it.

I'm happy where I am right now with my life and I don't really want to wait for someone who may or may not happen just so I can have a baby. I'm not straight jumping into it, but I am planning on it. I want to finish paying off my car and then I want to buy a nice little house. I'm going to live on my own first and make sure that I can, but then I'm having a baby. I have options and im looking into those in the meantime too. So in about a year or two I'll start trying.

09/24/19

So... on Sunday I got a message from my Squishy that surprised me. Not in a bad way or anything, but in a he-doesn't-do-that kind of way.

He sent me a message saying that he appreciates me and that the idea just came to him of me being his best friend and being what his other best friend used to be for him. Before I could even say, he told me he wasn't replacing him with me, and I'm happy about that. Because the people you love can never be replaced. He said that he doesn't feel guilty for what happened to his best friend and it just happened for a reason and it wasn't his fault. He said he chose me as his go to person and I'm there for him and do so much for him just like his best friend had and that no one can replace me.

I have to say that I'm happy.

I'm happy that he feels that way because I've always been afraid of people leaving me and him saying that adds a bit more foundation to the trust he's been unconsciously building for me. I'm glad he has someone to go to for anything.

And the thing that I'm happiest about? He doesn't know, but all this month I was praying to God, and maybe even his best friend, and asking them to help him understand that what happened wasn't his fault. I asked them to watch over him and not to feel as hurt as he has been feeling. Every night I asked for it and I asked them both. I asked his best friend to keep a close eye on him and make sure he was okay.

09/18/19

I'm really hoping that what I'm wanting us what I'll actually do. I've been thinking a lot about it and I think I'm ready. I'm ready to move in with my life and do what needs to be done to actually get what I want.

I want to move out and run around at whatever times I want and see the people I want and do what I want! So I'm doing it. I'm going to look for a second job in the weekend and get it done.

Also, I am 100 million times another few millions worried about my sister Andy Rae. She's determined to join the military and it breaks my heart to think that she'll be gone. I know that's what she wants and she can go for it and do it and I know she'll be amazing at it because that is what she wants. But I'm scared for her. I can't tell her that though, because how can I tell her to not go just for me? How can I even think about convincing her to stay and just go to college or something? I can't stop her, because she can and will get what she wants. She'll be amazing and brave and strong and fierce, how can I possibly ask her to stay?

Then I have Omi. Shes doing amazing in college and everytime I see her doing homework or choosing to read instead of go out or goof off, I have the most biggest pride, I feel like my heart will burst. She's doing amazing and kicking butt as she goes. I can see her passion and determination to finish school and get what she wants. I never expected her to go to a college and plan to pursue a degree that will keep her in school for more than four years. I am so beyond amazed, and I really hope that she makes it to where she wants to go, because my heart would break. She's worked so hard and gone through so much to get to where she is now, and she'll keep going through more to get where she wants to be.

9/14/19

Nothing to really say.