I know you don't mean it.
Summary: While In ED recovery you snap at Joe who is only trying to help.
TW: Mentions of disordered eating
The street lights were buzzing as you walked the streets home to your apartment with Joe. The soft clicking of your heels against the pavement as your mind began to swirl with thoughts that you knew all too well.Β
The past year or so your eating had gotten better, undeniably so yet still some days were hard. Joe had always done his best to help you and make sure you were recovering to the best of your ability but he just canβt understand what you think.Β
Dinner was good, it was fun and you have enjoyed the date yet somehow while walking back home you couldnβt help but hate yourself for eating the pasta.Β
Joe had offered the date night, wanting to spend time with you after his tour had ended. A small Italian place you had gone to many times before in the corner near the flower shop. The night was quiet, gentle and very loving.
In the moment it was amazing, you laughed and joked with your boyfriend all while keeping your mind away from the thoughts that had consumed you to your near death 2 years ago. But now, walking home in silence with him gives room for the mind to think.
And when the mind gets loud, all other abilities seem to be put on pause.Β
βSo I was thinking we could watch a movie tonight?β Joe smiles at you, offering up his opinion gently.Β
He was always gentle, itβs what you loved about him but right now that didnβt seem to matter.Β
βNo I donβt want to watch a movie okay lets just get homeβΒ
You grunted, upset and pre occupied with your own thoughts. Pushing forward you kept walking, faster and faster until you got closer to the apartment. Heels clicking loudly against the pavement as you sped up the pace.Β
βBaby- whatβs up?β Joe pulled gently on your intertwined hands to stop you from racing ahead of him.Β
βNothing! Okay I just want to go homeβ You snap again.Β
After this guilt sneaks in, not only for the food but this time for yelling at your always patient and loving boyfriend. But still, no amount of guilt could rid you of the pain you currently felt in your mind.Β
Thinking back to each bite of food you took and hating yourself for it made you angry, not at him, not at anyone but yourself but still you took it out on him.Β
Joeβs eyebrows scrunched together as he looked at you before sighing and opening the door to the apartment. Taking off his shoes while still keeping an eye on you.Β
Fingers shaking slightly you remove your heels and go to change before you feel hands around your waist.Β
His hands are large, warm and gently against the fabric of your dress as he slowly spins you around to look you in the eyes. Joeβs brown eyes look deep into yours with confusion but still with love.Β
Seeing his love felt like a stab to the heart, it kills you to treat him so bad sometimes but it feels out of your control.Β
βBaby whatβs happening hm? Cmon whatβs up my love?β He speaks softly, gently to you as he rubs his thumbs in circles against your waist.Β
Looking up at him you pause, trying your best to shut down but you canβt help it when you look into the love of your life eyes. Your eyes sting as they begin to water, lip quivering slightly.Β
As soon as Joe sees your reaction he pulls you in tightly, wrapping his arms around your waist letting you press your face to his chest.Β
βOh baby- talk to meβ he whispers into your ear, rubbing his hand up and down on your back as you slowly calm down.Β
βIm sorry Joe, Im really so so sorry I didnβt mean to be angry and rude to you I just-β As you begin rambling and apologising rapidly Joe grabs your chin and gently kisses you.Β
βWhat do we say about apologising before you explain?βΒ
You take a moment before explaining the situation more.Β
βAfter dinner I just felt really guilty, I know Iβve been getting better but today just felt hard and so I snapped at youβΒ
Looking down at the ground you fidget with your fingers, feeling guilty for how you treated him.Β
βBaby, this has happened before okay? I know you are trying your best. I love you so much, next time just tell me and Iβll help you stop thinking about itβΒ
You smile up at Joe who is looking at you with nothing but love.Β
βOkayβ You smile before he kisses you again.Β