THERE IS NO WHY

How are my sweetie pees

they should invent putting on sunscreen that doesn't feel like putting on sunscreen

I've probably posted about this before but it still gets me that Ripley (my parrot) has a special nickname for my spouse, Tev. Like he knows and uses the names of everyone in his flock (me, Tev, Steve, and Cheese. also a couple of our friends and my mom's dog) but because Tev calls him "Ripley buddy," a couple years ago Ripley started calling him "Tev buddy" instead of just Tev. He doesn't call anybody else buddy. He knows that 'buddy' is a special suffix for him and Tev to use with each other's names because they love each other. Doesn't that just melt your fucking heart

just received the best text message I’ve ever had. from my mom

I posted this yesterday and it already has 3k notes

sorry i rear ended you. my car is.. in heat

Yeah its kind of a compliment i guess. that it wants to fuck your car. so just tell your insurince that

oooooh i got plany of disk space

joe biden should do another stimulus check where the ira sends me a lox bagel. with cream cheese please

irs.

duuuuuude you have GOT to come out tonight we're enacting cruelty upon those who have transgressed so badly that we can justify any act against them... and you KNOW we're interpreting our delight as moral righteousness... Yeah it's fucking crazyyyyyyy get an Uber

I want to send a Hi out to the whole world

A legendary blade that can chop any uncle... can it truly exist...?