It's A Long Story

in NYC right now. Where to next? 

it could be decades later and you’re minding your own business in line at the grocery store or on the bus or trying to fall asleep and from the depths of your brain comes “the bunny, the bunny, ooh I love the bunny”

my goblin brain:

Jared: I’m Jared Padalecki… and I like long walks on the beach.

Jensen: I’m Jensen Ackles… and I like ponies.

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Jared: Hey.

Jensen: Hey.

Jared: Where’s everybody?

Jensen: Uh there is no everybody. Just you and me pal.

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Jensen: Well, there’s this guy, Jared Pada… Pada-something and they really are liking him for one of the brothers.’ So of course, I look him up online.

Jared: He thought I was hot.

Jensen: [laughs] This guy is smokin’ hot. I cannot play his brother.

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Fan: I fell in love with Jensen during Dark Angel…

Jared: Didn’t we all?

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Question: The most famous celebrity you’ve made out with?

Jared: That has to be Jensen. [laughs]

Jensen: You wish.

Jared: [thinks for a second] Hm, that’s probably one of the questions I shouldn’t answer.

Jensen: I’ve never made out.

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Jared: I don’t kiss Jensen…in public.

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Jensen: Jared and I are lucky to get along so well without having any effort to make. One day, the producers came to see us and told us they had never worked with actors who got along so well. It gives us the opportunity to make the relationship between Sam and Dean have credibility. I think the audience feels how much Jared and I like being together.

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Jared: I think the reason Jensen and I got along so well was because we didn’t really go about bonding… It didn’t feel like a blind date. It felt like we were continuing a relationship as opposed to saying, “All right, we’re supposed to hang out with each other… or something.” We just sort of hung out… We just hit it off immediately. There’s no rhyme or reason to what happened.

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Jensen: I can pretty much tell you a story about any aspect of Jared. I can tell you when he gets angry how he is, I can tell you when he gets sad how he is, I can tell you when he’s having a fight with a… you know, a girlfriend how he is. So, uh, I will say that with all those he is a very passionate person about what he does. He loves his family and friends, he loves his dogs… and they love him.

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Jared: We ruin scenes sometimes by laughing too much. We work so late and sometimes we’re really tired, so it won’t take a lot to set us off laughing like idiots. In those cases, I can’t stop myself. All I have to do is look at Jensen’s big smile, which makes him look like he’s six and a half, and I can’t stop myself laughing.

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Jensen: If you see that outtake you’ll notice that I’m laughing hysterically, probably more than I should be. But it was funny, because he was talking about, “Man, I’m like putting on this weight, and I’m retaining all this water,” and I’m like, “You’re such a girl, dude.” And then he does that and his pants rip, and I just couldn’t hold it in, it was hilarious. What an idiot.

Jared: …That’s when I split my pants… You know what my favorite part of that is? When Jensen laughs. He’s got the best laugh there.

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Jensen: I’ve definitely enjoyed working, and getting to know Jared and it’s been an awesome on and off camera relationship…

Jared: And I know that Jensen has enjoyed getting to know me, and working with me. [laughs] I’m just kidding…

Jensen: He’s super humble.

Jared: [laughs] I’m better at humbleness than anybody.

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Jensen: [Jared’s] a bit of a baby. I have to slap his hand away every now and again when he wants to hold mine. He’s also a very big baby… I’m 6’1” and he makes me look 5’9”. He’s 6’5”. I tell him I get to slap him whenever I stand on an apple-box.

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Jared: Every time you mess up, I have to stand up and sit back down.

Jensen: Oh, I’m so sorry.

Jared: My legs are tired.

Jensen: I’m so sorry. You wanna play with the guns and have a thousand props to do while you say your lines?

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Jensen: It’s our little private time… we enjoy ourselves and relax…

Jared: He’ll give massages a lot of the time when I get tense.

Jensen: He gets tense a lot.

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Jensen: We’re late because he [indicates Jared] partied hard last night and apparently fell asleep in the shower.

Jared: I couldn’t attend an interview without having a shower.

Jensen: Sure… but you’re always in there for hours. What do you do in there?

Jared: There’s a lot of me to wash, ok?

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Jensen: I don’t know… why are you telling this story?!!

Jared: I have to. Jensen… He is… he plays sports, he works out, he’s got a girlfriend.  He’s kind of the manly kind of guy.   He doesn’t look it, but… plays football and stuff…We’re sitting there and having a drink and stuff.  And then Jensen kind of gets this funny look on his face, and then he goes, “Wait, stay still.”  And then about halfway into reaching for my face, he realizes he is like reaching to grab my face and you see his face change to like  “Oh I gotta get that”  to “WHAT AM I DOING?”

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Question: You have MBV in 3-D in theaters now and Jared has F13 coming out this month. Is there any sense of friendly competition? Jensen: No not at all. In fact… [reaches for cell phone and goes through messages] he wrote, ‘Hey, dude, thinking about you, hope it’s going well. Kick ass. Enjoy.” No, we’re very supportive. I’m stoked to see his movie and he said he couldn’t wait to see mine.

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Fan: Do you miss Jensen when you two aren’t together?

Jared: Yeah, you know, I do.

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Jensen: [to Jared] I was getting bored back there wihout you… I love when [Jared] comes on stage because I have to do nothing.  This little ball of energy…..  Maybe not so little…. yeah, Ginormous.

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Jared: Jensen’s biggest fear is being without me.

Jensen: Biggest fear!

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Question: Where’s your favorite place to eat in Vancouver? Jared: We went to Gino’s. It was really good.

Jensen: And we wrote our names on the wall.

Jared: I wrote ‘I love Jensen’.

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Jensen: It’s really neat to have that relationship with your co-star.

Jared: Right.

Jensen: It’s very rare, as well.

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Jared: Jensen and I… Sometimes I’m like, ‘In my trailer, now!”

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Jared: Have you ever seen a ‘67 impala, it’s big.

Jensen: We also have a fairly large back seat…

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Jensen: We’re super.

Jared: And natural.

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Jensen: [to Jared] Look how much richer is your life now that you’ve met me.

Jared: Millions of dollars. Oh wait. What? Oh you mean richer like quality?

Jensen: I hate you.

Jared: [laughs]

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Jared: You know my life has definitely changed since I’ve met Jensen.

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Jared: I love you.

Jensen: I love you too.

Jared: Great. What???

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Crowley: Loved.

1. It will make him angry.

I should hope so. I’m not sending him a friend request. If I kick him hard enough, there’s a good chance I’ll render him unable to act upon his anger. That’s my goal. His feelings are his problem.

2. It will make him hurt you worse.

Statistics say otherwise. And anyway, he’s already demonstrated his desire to hurt me. Why should I give him carte blanche to decide how much he’s going to hurt me? I’d rather be an active participant in that decision-making process.

3. Groin kicks aren’t really that devastating; I’ve seen lots of guys get hit in the balls and it hardly fazed them.

This response (almost universally from men) is so common I’ve come to think of it as “groinsplaining”—you can see it many of the YouTube comments in the videos linked above. These people rarely volunteer to demonstrate their own iron balls in a real kicking situation, but they confidently assert that men in general can shrug off all kinds of damage to the groin. All I can say is, I’ve seen two-year-olds take down grown men via the groin, and toddlers don’t even have any training. I do. I like my odds.

4. We shouldn’t be teaching people how to kick men in the balls; we should be teaching men not to do anything that would make us have to kick them in the balls.

Hey, that’s a great idea! Do you have a detailed, research-based plan for teaching all men everywhere to behave themselves all the time? And do you have funding for your efforts, and buy-in from politicians and community leaders, and a network of trained, experienced instructors who can effect this change? If not, better get started on your grant proposal. In the meantime, I’ll just be over here teaching people how to kick guys in the balls. That’s what I do.

5. Telling people they should kick an assailant in the balls is the same as telling victims who didn’t kick their assailant in the balls that they did something wrong.

No, it isn’t. It’s a practical way to reduce the number of future victims by giving them more viable options to disrupt and survive an assault.

Fact: We have the power to damage the bodies of men who try to hurt us. You’re saying we shouldn’t let people use that power. I’m offering people more choices; you’re trying to take them away.

6. Kicking a guy in the balls just makes the world a more violent place.

Maybe, in the short term. But if it stops him from killing someone, or putting them in the hospital, isn’t that a net win for non-violence? The Dalai Lama thinks so.

okay, so!

There is a trick to it. You do NOT want to soccer kick the dude because that’s a little projectile aiming at a littler target.

It’ll do in a pinch, and it’ll hurt, but it won’t incapacitate, which is what you want. You don’t want “ouch!” Or even “FUCK!”

You want him puking on the floor, and this is how we do:

There’s two ranges where a groin kick works: close and mid-range.

Say someone grabs you face to face, or pins you to the wall, and your hands are blocked. Now you’re close-range. What do you do? You come in closer, as close as you can, and with every ounce of adrenaline and aggression in your body, you do a can-can kick.

You know the first step in the can-can, where you raise your knee up as high as it’ll go as strong as you can?

Do that, as hard as you can, repeatedly.

If that doesn’t work, here’s the alternative. You’re going to take your hand, grasp between the thighs underhand. Its going to feel like you’re “cradling” the testicles. Dig your fingertips into the fragile skin BEHIND the scrotum. Then, once you have a good grip, you turn your hand into a vise, with your fingers digging inwards to the material. If you do it right, you should feel the testes INSIDE the scrotum. You want, whenever possible, to hook your fingers under them.

Then, with your hands in a claw and your fingertips latched behind the testes, you turn your hand sharply, as though you were turning a doorknob. Simultaneously, haul your elbow back and up as hard as you can.

If done properly, this technique can tear the scrotal tissue, and done with enough force, can tear the testes out of your attacker’s body.

No matter HOW pissed he is, he’s gonna drop. I’ve tried this technique on guys wearing cups and even with protection, it is not a fun feeling.

If you’re mid-range and have enough room for a kick, the goal becomes to use your shin. The shin is actually called the tibia, which ounce for ounce is one of the strongest bones in your body. So, here’s what you do, my little bloodthirsty beaus:

You aim, you scream “DO NOT COME CLOSER I SAID NO!” (legal purposes, because now you’re officially exercising your right to self-defence). Maintain a 360 degree awareness, just in case he has friends, and then, when he’s close enough, connect your shin full on soccer kick with the delicate squish of his testicles.

What you want is as much upwards force as possible in combination with as much momentum as you can manage. When he collapses, which he will, then stomp on his groin again, and then run.

The latter has less of a trick to it. It’s primarily about momentum and force.

Remember, if you’re close enough to put your hands on him, use your knee. If he’s coming at you, use your shin.

If you can smell the nachos he had for dinner, rip his fucking balls off.

It’s easy to do, they’re tiny little squishiness wrapped in a delicate flap of skin about as thin as a toenail.

“What would street fights between guys look like—or professional fights for that matter—if one could go below the belt? For one, there’d be a lot more collapsing. Two, a lot more writhing in pain. Three, a lot less getting up. All in all, it would add up to less time looking powerful and more time looking pitiful. And it would send a clear message that men’s bodies are vulnerable.“

…

“So, men generally agree to pretend that the balls just aren’t there. The effect is that we tend to forget just how vulnerable men are to the right attack and continue to think of women as naturally more fragile.”

And:

https://thesocietypages.org/socimages/2017/07/31/i-argue-that-men-avoid-ball-kicking-to-protect-the-myth-of-masculinity-men-respond-in-the-most-surprising-way/