Fanfic Fandom Forever

my dream has always been to write for Marvel, or indie studios. I’ve wanted my writing to be art. But I’m not talented, not in the way someone needs to be to make a life for themselves with it. I’m not that person I once was. I don’t write and i certainly don’t write well.

putting my feelings here is a lot like screaming into the void: no one is going to hear it. Just me. That’s okay, though. I’ve come to the understanding a long time ago that I am not, in any way, special. We all want to be. We all want to stand out and be seen, however that is. The internet is such a weird little place to be surrounded by people and be completely alone designed to keep us isolated. For a long time it was where I wanted to be seen. But I know now im not one of those people.

some of us are special - that’s true. There’s no denying that some of us are these bright, shining lights. But the rest of us are spectators and I always thought I was okay with that. Or that id have my own little crew to spectate with. I’ve given up on that, too.

I’m grateful for the time tumblr did give me, and ao3 where more of my work exists than here. But every day I’m reminded that I don’t stand out. That I’m not important. And that my work just isn’t good enough. I think I’ll be ready soon to shut it all down. It hurts too much to see it. To be here screaming into the void. Old posts viewed occasionally or something liked that I wrote a lifetime ago. I don’t write anymore.

and I don’t sleep cause when I do

all I dream are dreams of you

I do so love hearing that Kind Regards gets love still. I have this fantasy that I get contacted to make Kind Regards into a movie but that’s a little personal fanfic.

(Aug 7 but getting this now) I think my break is needed. I’m reflecting a lot on a lot. I am likely going to keep the break going until December. I say this because my goal is to do a full NaNoWriMo this year. I’m recovering and feeling better and I want to write an entire ass novel for myself. Not a single other human. I may never even share it, but it feels like a task I kind of need to do right now.

Miss you too, friend. I’m not back, really just popped on to share my nostalgia for 2003 internet fics. I blame that for my feelings of frustration.