Doctor Whomst

they sell items at tjmaxx that even God is not aware of

[Image ID: an illustration of a skeleton lifting a barbell with 100kg weights on it. there is white text on top of the image, broken up into several lines. each line is in a different font. together, they read: "MY BODY IS A / MACHINE / THAT / DOESN'T / WORK / very good". /.End ID]

whenever I tell a story I feel like Uncle Colm from Derry Girls

a customer today looked at me, said “y’know? i think you’ll appreciate this,” and pulled his shirt down to show me his supernatural tattoo. calling me a slur would’ve been easier

If you ever feel like a loser just remember there are people who are genuinely emotionally invested in the lives of the british royal family

had a friend who used to make new ones up on the spot. The only one that stuck with me was 'good golly jelly beans'. If something catastrophic happens I go for 'that's not ideal.'

americans be like dude learning to drive isnt that bad but they dont know youre in ireland sharing a lane with a horse who is a bad person. And the horse and the instructor are friends and he keeps dapping the horse up through the window. And the horse called you a bitch under his breath so quiet the driving instructor is trying to convince you that you must have misheard him but you didnt. and theres a roundabout coming up and the horse didnt indicate

I can no longer remember the title of the book it’s from, but here’s a quote that has remained trapped in my head for the last 8 years: “Driving in Ireland is dangerous because the roads are full of old farmers who’ve led good lives and are fairly sure they’ll get into heaven.”