What are examples of attention seeking behaviour in adults? And at one point is it considered an NPD symptom? I’ll subtly hint at things like achievements or even failures to get some sort of compliments or attention, among some other things but I feel like that’s so mild that it doesn’t count.
But my brain also immediately visualizes symptoms in their most severe ways (like someone like jumping on a concert stage and shoving the singer for attention type of severe) so I feel like it because my ways of getting attention feel mild, subtle and covert that it wouldn’t be considered TRUE NPD attention seeking and not be counted as a symptom even though I fit the criteria.
Attention seeking behavior is simply any behavior done for the sake of gaining attention (negative or positive). This can include a lot of things, both big and small. Most narcissists crave a stable flow of supply (praise and admiration) so we tend to lean towards smaller things that add up and will last a while (like a specific career).
Attention seeking behavior in adults can look very similar to attention seeking in children, and attention seeking behavior seen in personality disorders (like cluster Bs) is very similar to people without PD’s way of seeking attention. Attention seeking is a common experience since we as humans look for connection and want to be seen by others. Someone acknowledging our needs and individuality is vital to our well-being. In the case of cluster Bs, our mental health is dependent on the attention we receive. So while most people have internal validation to balance the criticism they receive externally, a narcissist struggles with this. Our self-image can fluctuate based on how people react to us (often swinging between “I’m the greatest” and “I’m the worst ever,” no in-between). People paying attention to us = doing good in life in our mind. This is what differentiates “normal” attention seeking from “disordered” attention seeking: the reasoning behind it and how the attention impacts us.
pwNPD seek attention often for the sake of it. We live for the moments that people see us, praise us, and love us. Our lives are often a struggle of getting to the next moment where we feel good because without that attention, we can fall into a low (a narc crash). Crashing feels like the world is falling apart, it feels like everyone hates us, and it can lead to feelings of suicidal ideation, depressive symptoms, and more. No one wants to feel that way, so we avoid it as much as possible. This is the main motivation for a lot of narcissists. The way this shows up varies from person to person and a NPD diagnosis can be hard to get because cluster B disorders have similarities (which is why they’re grouped together). For example, my “narc rage” has been compared to BPD splitting in the past, my lack of empathy to ASPD lack of empathy, attention seeking behaviors to HPD, and self-image issues to BPD. This is why the DSM-V has sections on telling these disorders apart. Most cluster Bs aren’t abusive, “crazy,” or do big, exaggerated actions for attention, those are just stereotypes. These PDs show up in a more covert way, making it hard to detect and treat.
Here is a list (in no particular order) of common behaviors that are done for the sake of seeking attention (which may or may not be due to a PD, again people seek attention for a variety of reasons):
Lying (often for the sake of pity or gaining sympathy)
Exaggerating achievements
Venting (usually in a public place like a discord server)
Doing something for a good cause publicly (like volunteer work)
Posting on social media (in general) or creating content
Crying (usually loudly or in a place where someone may notice)
Having a public position (like being a politician, business personality, celebrity, and so on)
Getting in trouble with authority or the law
Advocacy and activism (hi)
Complaining (usually loud enough so someone hears or enough for someone to acknowledge it)
Spamming someone (like in texts or with calls)
Involving oneself in controversy/ starting drama
Trying to be “at the top” (like working to be the CEO of a company)
Giving gifts to others / being nice to others (usually for a thanks)
Ghosting people then coming back into their life
Trying to go viral online
Trying to get on TV (includes things like becoming a news anchor just to be on TV regularly as well as doing things to get featured on TV)
Getting involved in discourse and debates
Starting fights (literally or figuratively)
Dating (to get consistent attention from a partner)
Choosing “dare” in “truth or dare” so everyone will have their eyes on you as you do something
And pretty much anything else that is done just to be noticed. If you want an example of a small day-to-day sort of thing, here’s one from my own life: if I say “I love you,” my partner always says it back and I know this, so if I want to be acknowledged for the sake of it, I’ll say “I love you” and they’ll say it back right away. Obviously, I do care about them and this isn’t harmful, but the motivation is to hear them saying it back (and a byproduct is them knowing I care about them I suppose). I also regularly do “big” things, but I try to keep it to “good” things. Like in the past, I used to pick fights with people so they’d be mad at me for days and I would know they’re thinking about me (effective for attention but morally wrong), but I realized that I wasn’t helping anyone and was just messing up my relationships so nowadays I prefer to do things like throwing a big party for someone’s birthday and making it very special so they say thanks a lot and remember it fondly forever (effective for attention and morally okay).
A lot of people assume cluster Bs are these one-dimensional caricatures who do anything for attention when the truth is a lot of us are trying really hard to be “normal” and stay away from “bad” attention. Our brain doesn’t default to saying a certain kind of attention is good or bad so it takes time to gain a moral compass and learn how to create and maintain healthy relationships. A lot of people learn this subconsciously to mask, creating things like “covert NPD” and “quiet BPD,” the disordered thoughts are still there but they’ll appear differently to someone who doesn’t care to hide their traits.
It’s also worth mentioning that traits of a PD need to show up in multiple aspects of your life. Someone isn’t a narcissist for being selfish and attention seeking at work, they have to be that way at home, with friends, etc too. NPD is a disorder because it’s disabling and since it impacts our thought processes, it’ll effect a lot in our life.
