#aspd stuff

not officially, of course. i’m not gonna tell my parents “i’m not your child anymore!!1!1!”, nothing dramatic, or even attention-getting. there’s no reason to do that. they weren’t bad parents. they just didn’t understand me. they didn’t know what i needed. i don’t hold it against them, i didn’t either. i’m only just figuring it out myself. 

but they won’t be able to visit me, that’s for sure. i won’t have an address to give them anyway, i’ll be travelling too much for that. maybe i’ll stop by once or twice, if i happen to be in town (not very often, on purpose). maybe i’ll email them once a year or so. i don’t know. but there will be as much distance between us as possible. i don’t want to stay here. i can’t. everything here ties me down, family included. 

i’ll do my best not to hurt them. they shouldn’t blame themselves. at least not too much. i’ll tell them i’m so busy, so stressed, travelling so much, just so overwhelmed by everything, apologize. they’ll believe i’m doing my best. after a couple years they’ll stop trying so hard. maybe they’ll stop trying at all. 

it’ll sting a bit, most likely, more on their end than on mine. but frankly, why should i stay in their lives? i don’t love them. i’m not capable of it. i can’t explain it to them, they’d never understand it. it’s not personal. there’s only one person in the world i genuinely love in any real way. i sometimes wish i was capable of loving the way everyone else seems to, but i’m just not. i’m coming to terms with that, slowly but surely. 

long story short, i snapped at my friend. and now they’re pissed at me. which like, honestly fair, i was an asshole. and they might not even be that mad at me, i don’t know, we haven’t really talked. but i’ve never done anything like that before, my mask is all friendly and sweet and would never yell or curse at a friend! maybe someone who was an asshole, but never a friend! and now i don’t know what the fuck to do. i can’t explain, oh it’s because i wasn’t masking, because they’d fucking hate me if they knew i have ASPD. like, i’m trying to educate them, but there’s still a lot of ableism we haven’t worked through. and we’re not at a point where i could be like “hey this is a thing” and they wouldn’t assume that means everything i’ve told them about PDs was just to manipulate them and make them trust me. but i can’t just leave it be you know? they’re pissed, and if they stay pissed, it’s gonna fuck up the whole dynamic with them and our whole group that i’ve worked so damn hard to build.