#aspd stuff

not officially, of course. i’m not gonna tell my parents “i’m not your child anymore!!1!1!”, nothing dramatic, or even attention-getting. there’s no reason to do that. they weren’t bad parents. they just didn’t understand me. they didn’t know what i needed. i don’t hold it against them, i didn’t either. i’m only just figuring it out myself. 

but they won’t be able to visit me, that’s for sure. i won’t have an address to give them anyway, i’ll be travelling too much for that. maybe i’ll stop by once or twice, if i happen to be in town (not very often, on purpose). maybe i’ll email them once a year or so. i don’t know. but there will be as much distance between us as possible. i don’t want to stay here. i can’t. everything here ties me down, family included. 

i’ll do my best not to hurt them. they shouldn’t blame themselves. at least not too much. i’ll tell them i’m so busy, so stressed, travelling so much, just so overwhelmed by everything, apologize. they’ll believe i’m doing my best. after a couple years they’ll stop trying so hard. maybe they’ll stop trying at all. 

it’ll sting a bit, most likely, more on their end than on mine. but frankly, why should i stay in their lives? i don’t love them. i’m not capable of it. i can’t explain it to them, they’d never understand it. it’s not personal. there’s only one person in the world i genuinely love in any real way. i sometimes wish i was capable of loving the way everyone else seems to, but i’m just not. i’m coming to terms with that, slowly but surely. 

long story short, i snapped at my friend. and now they’re pissed at me. which like, honestly fair, i was an asshole. and they might not even be that mad at me, i don’t know, we haven’t really talked. but i’ve never done anything like that before, my mask is all friendly and sweet and would never yell or curse at a friend! maybe someone who was an asshole, but never a friend! and now i don’t know what the fuck to do. i can’t explain, oh it’s because i wasn’t masking, because they’d fucking hate me if they knew i have ASPD. like, i’m trying to educate them, but there’s still a lot of ableism we haven’t worked through. and we’re not at a point where i could be like “hey this is a thing” and they wouldn’t assume that means everything i’ve told them about PDs was just to manipulate them and make them trust me. but i can’t just leave it be you know? they’re pissed, and if they stay pissed, it’s gonna fuck up the whole dynamic with them and our whole group that i’ve worked so damn hard to build. 

It's entertainment, and ASPD stuff which kind of highlights were I fall.

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Glib and superficial charm - It's a "social survival" tactic, I suppose. idk i charm and it's fucking fun to let people think I'm something wonderful, a saint at that. Grandiose (exaggeratedly high) estimation of self - It's weird. It's more depression that brings that shit down and provides crippling self doubt...constantly countered by this feeling of greatness and deserving required from the world. Need for stimulation - is this not that Pathological lying - sometimes i'm not even aware of it and it's kind of funny Cunning and manipulativeness - fun fun fun fun fun. really fun. but i don't do it often as i'd like. Lack of remorse or guilt - I'm pretty callous as far as it goes, but there are certain people and certain times I feel worse about things than others (though majority of time, if we're honest, I can't grasp my mistake but am good at acting like I can). It's usually when I'm tired I'm torn up by it, sometimes. Shallow affect (superficial emotional responsiveness) - what else am i supposed to do. i mean i definitely feel things but sometimes you gotta act something otherwise you know you're just fucking up. Callousness and lack of empathy - outlined above

Parasitic lifestyle - Only somewhat. I mostly abuse my brother or Tiffany like this, but that's pretty much it- not often, nor badly. Poor behavioral controls - I'm pretty good at that shit by now. I mean, still not great as the average Joe (or even close) but good enough to pass well. Sexual promiscuity - nah not really. I haven't been very faithful in previous "relationships" but I've been pretty fucking good in general with this one. Though if we're honest I'm constantly in the mood to fuck and it can become bothersome. Early behavior problems - ehh, not really obviously until I was 12-15, when CD clearly peaked. Before then it was just being slightly awkward socially, increasing introversion and anger, and zero issues with beating my sibling with a wooden horse (or tormenting him. idk if that even counts, i was fucking two or three). Lack of realistic long-term goals - Realism isn't my problem. It's lack of motivation, often, to achieve goals that require "too much" work. Impulsivity - yeah Irresponsibility - y es Failure to accept responsibility for own actions - god yes. Eventually I'll go with it, if I have no other options. Many short-term marital relationships - I've never been married lmaoooo Juvenile delinquency - Sort of. I was bad with teachers and calming all of that shit for a while, but nothing serious ever came from it. Maybe a fight or seven. Revocation of conditional release - I've never been in any real trouble with the law. Criminal versatility - not really, no. I've never really committed anything serious; just a lot of petty theft, fighting and some weed I guess?

Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest - fuck what are you stupid. behave and blend. You don't have to 100% and can get away with a lightly quirky personality but fuck don't do that shit

Deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure - mhm. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead - yeah

Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults (but doesnt have to be like actual, physical documented shit) - oh fuck no i'm innocent in this field. shit i don't know what brought you to THIS idea

Reckless disregard for safety of self or others - Somewhat. Depends on if I care about you or not, or if you can arrest me and I'm in your presence.

Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations (failure to turn things in on time as a student, etc) - ahhhh yeah. i'm fucking terrible when it comes to that shit.