A random assortment of things

Let's start way back in BOTL, Chapter 9: You Are a Gift. This is the chapter immediately following Harry getting attacked by dementors, and then fleeing Privet Drive. In the scene where Dumbledore is briefing the Order on what happened, the kids are all brought down to be questioned on the off chance Harry told them where he might go. We have this little moment between Ron and Hermione...

Hermione was pale, both hands over her mouth, while Ron sat next to her with his head in his hands. He muttered something under his breath and Hermione quickly turned on him. “I told you we should have said something!” she cried, her voice so high Remus winced. She stood up from her chair, back ramrod straight. “I’m sorry Headmaster, it’s just - it seemed so harmless! He was often leaving the wards to go to the library. Or sometimes the woods -“ “I don’t think he was serious about going to the woods,” Ron muttered. “Well he could have been!” she snapped, “What do we know? Harry’s hardly written to us this past month. We’re lucky to get more than the words I’m alive on a scrap of paper!” “Because he thought you were going to rat him out!” Ron snapped back, glaring up at her. “It’s not right to keep him trapped inside the walls of the muggle house all summer! What is the point of a guard if they can’t walk him to the damn library?!”

This scene gives one of the clearest pictures of Ron and Hermione's differing points of view when it comes to doing right by their best friend. Hermione knows Harry is independent, smart, prone to impulsive and dangerous decisions, and she is willing to fall on the sword and take a beating from both Harry and Ron by alerting an authority/adult figure if she truly believes he's in danger. And she knows they know she'd actually do it, seeing as she did it with the Firebolt in third year.

Now, important distinction here...Hermione threatened to tell on Harry for straying from his relative's house, but she never actually did it.

Ron, on the other hand, is very empathetic to Harry's plight. What he's muttering under his breath is something like, 'I can't believe he actually did it!' with this thread of awe, which is what pisses Hermione off, because she sees it as him encouraging Harry's behavior.

Instead of Ron and Hermione being on the same page about Harry, which you might assume they would be given they've been alone together at Grimmauld all this time, there's still very much a "trio" push and pull going on here, where Ron is on Harry's side but, notably, not actually going to take action. Hermione, on the other hand, sees herself as doing right by Harry, but is willing to take action, it's just that action she's willing to take happens to be a nuclear option of getting the adults involved, which would only drive Harry away (and she knows it) so she doesn't do anything.

At the end of the same chapter, just after Bill arrives and announces that he's found out Harry has claimed his Lordship, thus the trace is broken on his magic, thus he can protect himself, we see a complete change in Ron and Hermione's attitudes.

Hermione was whispering intently to Ron, who was glaring down at his knees. “Harry is a powerful young wizard.” Dumbledore looked knowingly at Harry's friends and received a tentative smile from Hermione. Ron, though, was white as a sheet, gripping the table with both hands. 

Now, the reason that they feel this way is because Hermione's greatest concern is Harry's mortal safety, and she knows Harry can protect himself, but she is also always thinking about the overarching system/powers that be. Now that she knows he can do magic without punishment, she's greatly relieved. She doesn't really believe Sirius would hurt Harry, and she knows Harry can protect himself, thus, she relaxes somewhat.

Ron, on the other hand, hears this news and all he thinks is - Harry didn't tell me. Harry, his best friend who he has been loyally advocating for that summer (as much as he can, in his mind) and defending to Hermione, secretly claimed his Lordship sometime before that night and didn't tell Ron.

For Ron, that would be absolutely devastating. Now he's thinking, okay, so Harry doesn't trust me as much as I thought he did. I thought we were okay. I thought we were best friends again. What did I do wrong? Does he secretly hate me? Does he think I would rat him out like Hermione would, even though I never have? Etc, etc, etc.

The biggest thing that happens from this little moment in Chapter 9 is it lays the groundwork for Ron's entire frame of reference about Harry to change. Prior to this, Harry has always been his friend who needed him in some way. Harry was a lonely, isolated mess without him in fourth year (when Ron was being an asshole yes, but just try and think from Ron's POV for a second). Harry has always brought Ron along on his adventures and misadventures. Harry and Ron agree on nearly everything. Harry and Ron have similar opinions about lots of things, and sometimes they fight, but they feel like equals.

Part of feeling like equals is Ron assuming that Harry has just as little control over his life as Ron does at this stage. In fact, in Ron's mind, Harry has even less control because he doesn't even have a guardian that gives a fuck about him. Sirius doesn't count because he's, you know, an escaped convict. He can't really take responsibility for Harry, and so Ron associates Harry as someone that is uniquely his responsibility, in a way. He takes care of Harry. He asks him mum to send him food, he invites him to his family's house for the holidays, he explains the magical world to him, etc. Ron gets to be Harry's big brother, in some respects.

But now, everything's changed. Ron's naive little worldview has been shattered. Harry is Lord Potter, magically and legally emancipated in their world. He up and left the Dursleys, flagrantly disobeying the orders of the most powerful wizard in the country (Dumbledore), and he's made it very, very clear that he does not need Ron, Hermione, the Weasleys, Dumbledore, or anyone.

Thus, this happens:

“But you have to go back every year to renew it!” Ron protested. “I guess that doesn’t matter anymore now that you broke it, but-" “I broke the blood ward?” He repeated, aghast. “Is that what he told you?” “Or you convinced your Aunt to do it, it doesn't make much of a difference,” Ron reeled back from him, lifting his hands placatingly. “It doesn’t matter, mate. All I’m saying is, there was clear logic behind why you stay with your muggles in the summer. I don’t know why this was such a big deal to you this year when you've gone back-"

In Chapter 14: The Bonds Between Us when the trio has their massive fight (that took me aaaagges to write and many, many tries on my whiteboard to make sure everyone made their points and the dialogue made sense), Ron places a ton of responsibility on Harry for his life that he never has before. Because Harry has taken responsibility for his own life now, and so Ron, our legalistic strategist whose feelings are hurt, holds all of his decisions under a microscope and basically demands that Harry take responsibility for them.

It's not fair, it's mean, it's selfish, but to me (and to the Ron in my head) that just made sense.

And then, after all that, the bomb gets dropped. Harry's massive reaction to hearing about the fiendfyre attack, and then a few chapters later when the trio reunite, the revelation/confirmation that Harry is friends with Theo rocks Ron's world again. Only this time, he starts to question if Harry really is wise enough to be taking as much responsibility for his actions as Ron first thought. Ron begins to wonder if maybe this Theodore Nott fellow has poisoned Harry's mind against Ron, Hermione, and everything the Order stands for. Or maybe Sirius was the one who did it. Sirius was who Ron first suspected might be 'corrupting' Harry, so to speak, but even Ron didn't take that theory very (excuse me) seriously.

To finish out Ron's bit before I double back and talk about Hermione - after the ensuing chaos of the summer, Ron ends up sort of in limbo. Part of him slinks back to normal, trying to treat Harry like his best mate, to show up for him, joke with him, have his back, etc. That's why he apologizes to Theo. That's why he hears Theo out in the library. Ron still acts in that role as "Harry's older brother" which is really more of a caretaker position. He's trying to protect him, he's worried about him, but he's also trying to give Harry space so he doesn't just disappear and leave Ron behind forever. That is the last thing Ron wants.

BUT, Ron still puts his foot in his mouth (like, often) because - he's Ron. and it's easy to fall into old habits with your friends. Like this little ditty in Chapter 33: Soothsaying

"They just don't seem like the kind of people you'd get along with, Harry," Hermione said fairly. She twiddled her long eagle quill in her hands thoughtfully. "Greengrass and Zabini especially. They're sort of..." "Stuck-up? Pretentious? Indecent?" "Blaise isn't indecent, stuck-up, or pretentious," Harry pushed back. "He's actually really cool. I like him a lot." Ron gave him a concerned look. "Better watch out for that bloke, Harry. You know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Harry's spine stiffened. "What's that supposed to mean?" Ron waved his hand dismissively. "You know about his mother. I've told you before. He's probably just putting you under his spell and then he's going to rob you blind." "Oh yea, Blaise Zabini really needs my money," Harry said sarcastically.

and then this...

Ron nodded seriously. "Seriously, though, Harry. Those types, they'll lure you in. Make you feel really good about yourself -" "Can't imagine what that's like!" Ron sat forward, grabbing for his arm. "Listen! I'm telling you, you can't believe that the version of himself he's parading around is real. He's just being someone you can like to get inside your defenses. I'd bet gold on that, mate."

Ron's falling back into old patterns. He and Harry absolutely used to shit talk the Slytherins together (because, of course they did. And also, because I would do that with my friends, it's like the hallmark of your bestie to shit talk other people with them effortlessly) except Harry's pattern has changed. Harry is not about to tolerate this kind of talk about the Slytherins he knows generally, but especially not Blaise, who has been nothing but welcoming to Harry. That sets off another fight between him and Ron, not out of maliciousness on Ron's part! But simply because he's still navigating these changes in Harry and just starting to realize he might have to change the way he talks about certain things to maintain that friendship.

Now, all that has happened with Ron, okay great. What about Hermione?

Hermione's personal beliefs actually more closely align with Harry's newly shifted worldview than either of them are aware. The thing is, Hermione has a high discriminating factor - as in, she takes in all of the essential facts about a situation or a person and then makes a judgment and it takes a lot of new or compelling facts to get her to change her mind after that. This is where she and Harry differ - Harry's much more flexible. He can allow for shades of grey. He can play with dangerous situations and tempt fate in places that would be a flat-out "no-go" for Hermione.

But when Harry and Ron start fighting that summer and continue fighting, her role as peacemaker between them surges back to the surface. Instead of being able to bond with Harry and curiosly explore the "darker" side of the wizarding world with him, she gets shoehorned by her dysfunctional relationships with them to play the judge and try to be fair to both Harry and Ron. Harry was her first friend, after all, but Ron is/was her crush and so she feels beholden to both of them (Romione is not happening in my fic I'm sorry but she did for real have a crush on him and possibly still does at this point in BOTL).

Because she's taking on this role as as judge/mediator, she's doing her best to try and stop Harry and Ron from annoying each other and starting more fights. She's not really trying to hurt Harry or get back at him except for when she does this in Chapter 29: Dark Star Over Gryffindor

She ground her teeth together, brow pinched. "I'm sorry, Harry, but...it's just that this is how you've been treating us all summer, assuming we knew more than we did and then getting mad at us for not knowing! Now you've gone and...well, Nott's probably feeling the same way that we have been..." "Are you fishing for an apology from me right now? About the summer?" Harry snapped, his temper coming to life. Hermione's jaw clicked. "Well, it would be nice," she retorted thickly. "Your feelings aren't the only ones that matter, you know."

Hermione's patience at this point is at an all time low. In her mind, she, Ron, and Harry are so intertwined in this fight that the attacks on Harry in the Prophet are an attack on her. But she's bound by the rules because she's a Prefect, she has to be fair! She can't just start cursing people left and right for being mean to Harry. To her, it's exhausting to go through this and never have gotten one acknowledgment from Harry that it's also hard on her and Ron. Not as hard, but certainly not fun and easy.

Thus, she says:

"Maybe they wouldn't be afraid of you if you told them what really happened!" Harry scoffed, "Yeah, right, I'm going to sit down for an interview with the Prophet after all they've written about me and bare my soul to them. That won't backfire." "Well, you're not going to change anyone's minds by keeping the truth to yourself!" "When has anyone in this world ever cared about the truth!?" He yelled, losing the last of his patience. "You think everything is so fucking easy, don't you Hermione? Well, it's not that easy, it never has been, and even if I were to tell the truth no one would believe me anyway because no one ever does." "Yes, they do!" Hermione gripped her planner tight across her chest, a flush gathering over her cheeks. "The people who matter believe you! We always believe you." The laugh that ripped out of his chest was terrible. Cruel and bitter. The sound brought Hermione up short and made Ron's face turn bright red, but Harry wasn't even thinking about last year. He was thinking about this summer, right before everything went pear-shaped. Ron and Hermione digging at him about his relatives. The way they didn't take him at his word when he promised that Sirius was sane and protecting him, not a danger like they believed. "That's not what it feels like to me," he said coldly.

Hermione's biggest hinderance is that she is so focused on solutions that she doesn't stop to think about what her friends actually want. She has quintessential fix-it energy which can be very exhausting for someone like Harry, whose situation is largely unfixable. Like in this case, in her mind, the obvious solution is for Harry to tell the truth to a wide audience and get his story out there. That's all he can do, and to her, that seems like a reasonable solution.

But she's not considered how Harry might feel unloading that trauma to someone he doesn't know, and, most importantly, Hermione doesn't understand what Harry's trauma is. The feeling of being constantly watched, assailed by the press, to have everyone know your name, your family, make assumptions about you, have the worst moments of your life questioned, debated, thrown in your face all the time. Yes, wixen make assumptions about Hermione, too, but they do it based on vague details that she shares with a whole bunch of other people (muggleborn people, young women, etc). She can only understand Harry's struggles up to a point.

That's why you have this turning point in Chapter 34: The End of Dreaming Part I.

"Because learning to defend your life is completely different than learning how to pass the OWL," Theo snarled with sudden ferocity. "You two have no fucking clue what that's like. It's not fun, it's not easy, and there's no way to separate teaching someone how to survive from taking responsibility for them." "But Harry won't be doing it alone. It's not all on you," Hermione turned to Harry, pleading with her eyes.

Hermione sees this defense club project as a way to share the load with Harry, to build a community of friends and allies around him that will make him more confident and, hopefully, help him realize that he isn't alone. Because Hermione primarily believes that Harry's "problems" stem from loneliness (like her).

But then...

"You expect me to teach other people how to keep themselves safe when I don't even know how I've ended up here, after everything that's happened?" Harry said haltingly. "Why do you think that's something you can even learn? Nothing I learned in class prepared me for what I had to do. Nothing I teach anyone can prepare them for what it's like when your life is on the line, or someone else's is. Even if I did teach them, it might not be enough, but then they might go out there thinking it's enough and end up dead! That would be because of me!" Hermione's eyes filled with tears. "Harry. Listen to me." She walked forward and grasped his arms just above each elbow, holding him in place. He froze, breathless all of a sudden. "It's not your fault that Cedric was murdered, and it's not your fault if Voldemort hurts other people. More than learning how to defend ourselves, I just want you to see -" "Hermione," Theo interrupted, "back up." "What?" Her grip slackened. Theo pushed her back, gently. "Back up," he repeated. Harry suddenly became aware of how tight and shallow his breathing was. John mrrowed in his ear. Harry hadn't even felt him jump onto his backpack. The room tilted dizzyingly, but now that no one was touching him, he could breathe again.  He turned his face away, mortified and relieved. "Um, I just…I want you to see how many people believe you," Hermione finished lamely. She started wringing her hands. "I'm sorry," she added. "I didn't mean to…"

This is the moment that Hermione gets it, in a way. This is when she realizes that the trauma Harry is carrying is much, much heavier than anything she or Ron can help carry. This is when both of them wonder (and Ron voices in the next chapter) if Harry can even handle the Defense club.

This all comes down to my interpretation of the characters and of Harry, and I just want to make one final appeal to say my story is not meant to "bash" anyone even though I do enjoy highlighting the worst parts of various character's personalities. But ultimately, what Ron and Hermione have done in BOTL is stayed within their "caretaker" frame of mind for Harry, where they are constantly running after him or trying to get ahead of him to mitigate the damage that he can do to himself by making impulsive decisions.

That is why Harry feels so isolated from them. That's why this pattern of basic disrespect and not listening to Harry keeps repeating itself. And that is why Harry loves being around the Slytherins so much, because they are very much not treating him that way (although, ironically, Draco and Blaise very much have caretaker energy with Theo. The ironic distinction there is that all three of them know it is a sham and Theo can and will do what he wants anyway, so if he wants to hurt himself, starve himself, do black magic, etc, they really can't stop him. Draco and Blaise still recognize Theo's agency and control over his own life, even if he drives them up the wall with worry sometimes).

In my mind there's a slim difference between caring about someone and being their "keeper" or "caretaker". I mean, maybe this is the most on the nose example, but the Keeper of the Library is called a Keeper because they do something the Library cannot do for itself - keep it safe, keep it alive, curate and take care of it. The Library is an undeniably powerful being, but it lacks the essential power it would need to truly take care of itself.

These human characters, on the other hand, have the essential power to take care of themselves. None of them need a Keeper (you know, except for the fact that they do need some adult mentors to guide them). So the Slytherin boys take care of each other, but Ron, Hermione, and Harry are in this slightly toxic relationship where they are focused mainly on "Keeping" each other alive. Alive is not happy. Alive is not safe. Alive is not even really living. To be truly alive you need to be free, and Ron and Hermione's friendship feels very much like an anchor holding Harry back.

Can't wait to flip this dynamic off for Harry. Truly, I can't wait lol.

For my final sentiment, as a treat, if you've read to the end of this long long long post, just know that it's not my intent or plan to write an utterly perfect friendship between the Slytherin boys and Harry. Their model of friendship is far from perfect, and in fact lends itself to some really fun codependency we'll see grow over time.

But hey - they're in a war. Did you think they were going to not develop and/or worsen unhealthy relationships? 🥰 Let them be codependent! Let them make mistakes! Let them burn bridges!

My characters run around in my head and basically are doing this all the time just FYI

Harry Potter was always larger than life in Theo's imagination. He wasn't as obsessed with the Boy-Who-Lived as his peers (coughcough Draco Malfoy coughcough) but his miraculous ability to survive the Killing Curse had been something he thought about quite frequently over the years. It was a theme he regularly played with in the little short stories and novellas that he scratched out in his secret notebooks. Theo couldn't help but be drawn to the mystery of how he'd snaked his way out from under the crushing dominance of death. Theo knew first-hand how unstoppable the Killing Curse was in application.

When he looked at young, eight-year-old Harry Potter's eyes, he saw echoes of that curse.

With eyes like that, and a story like he had been born into, Harry Potter should have walked the halls of Hogwarts like a god. He should have been worshipped, fawned over. He had all the power of social fascination and obsession laying in the palm of his hand, ready to be molded, harnessed, used, and yet he never made any attempt to do such a thing. In fact, for the last five years, Theo would say that Harry Potter had nearly faded into obscurity. Not the legend of Harry Potter, of course. The legend grew more legs every day with the rumors swirling about what really happened to Cedric Diggory during the final task, and Dumbledore's possible involvement, and whether or not Harry Potter was actually insane.

No, it was the real person, that Harry Potter, who had faded into the unknown.

And it seemed to Theo that even his self-professed best friends had forgotten who he was.

"You love treacle tart, mate!"

"Or what about some pie, Harry?" Granger swapped his plate out for one she had made up for him, even though Harry had timidly filled it with a small sample of everything within reach.

"Hermione, let him eat dessert first!" Weasley harped, almost dropping a hefty portion of treacle directly onto Harry's shepherd's pie. "When else does he get to do that?"

"How about every single feast at Hogwarts, Ronald?" She shot back. "He's eight, he needs to eat his vegetables."

"Harry's always been able to feed himself, so far as I can remember," Ginny Weasley threw in sardonically, giving Granger an unimpressed look. Theo liked her immediately.

"He's eight!" Granger repeated sharply.

Harry's wide green eyes tracked over to Theo again. He'd been doing that quite frequently. In fact, he refused to leave Theo's side. He even shyly asked Theo to wait outside the loo for him when he pointed out where it was before dinner. That was the only reason Theo was sitting amongst the lions on their radiantly red side of the Great Hall.

Theo swallowed. How could he be hungry with so many people looking at him? Studying him? Watching to see what will happen to him next?

"Want to go eat somewhere quieter?" Theo asked impulsively.

Harry's eyes widened a fraction more. And then, imperceptibly, he nodded.

"Nott! You can't take all that!" Weasley blustered.

"I can and I will," he snapped, summoning Harry's plate from Granger's hands and stacking an assortment of other easy to eat foods on top, then throwing a containment charm over it. "Come on, Harry."

"He hasn't eaten yet!" Granger complained. "You can't -"

Theo ignored her. He slipped his hand over Harry's and lead him away from the hundreds of watchful eyes in the Great Hall. Harry had a temporary pair of spectacles courtesy of Madame Pomfrey, but Harry had a tendency to fall behind and stare owlishly at portraits or moving statues or ghosts, so Theo had developed a tendency to hold his hand so he didn't get lost.

Theo tried to ignore the dull roar of many voices that sprang up as soon as they left, but it felt nearly impossible. Bloody vultures. For Theo to disappear was no major event. He was a nobody. The last heir to a magical name that meant nothing anymore and would probably die with him. But for Harry to choose privacy, to ask for a quiet table to eat in peace and digest the unbelievable situation he was in as best an eight-year-old muggle-raised half-blood could? That was yet another spectacle. It wasn't fair that leaving a place where Harry was simply too nervous to ear felt like running away. And it wasn't fair that when Theo brought him to his secret place, the glass-domed South Tower, it felt like they were hiding.