Follow the Dopamine

He wants to show Ilya that he's good with him - that he can be his gay self around him - so the first time they meet up, Cliff suggests they go shopping. Ilya's a little confused. He and Cliff have never gone shopping together and, though it could be fun, he's not really feeling up for a full outing. Cliff then suggests brunch and, when Ilya shoots that down too, he asks if Ottawa has any gay bars they could go to. Although the idea of watching Cliff get hit on by guys all night is vaguely tempting, Ilya suggests they just meet at home and play some video games.

Cliff feels a little disappointed Ilya isn't ready to share his gay side with him but he gets it. He knows how the hockey culture is and maybe he just needs to show Ilya he's a proper ally and then he'll let himself be his gayest self.

Throughout their hang, he keeps trying to subtly show Ilya that he's safe around him. He talks about the latest season of Drag Race, he asks him who's his favourite Will and Grace character and says he likes Jack the most, he asks who his favourite pop diva is and tells him he thinks Beyoncé is rad. Ilya doesn't seem to take the hint though. Apparently he isn't watching the latest Drag Race season, he doesn't know who his favourite Will and Grace character is and he tells Cliff he already knows Ilya's more of a rap guy but Beyoncé's cool. He prefers Megan Thee Stallion, though.

but then when hockey becomes more serious and she takes a more managerial role, and as he gets better at masking, this rift starts existing. there's certain expectations he's expected to meet, required to meet. and to shane, if Mom Yuna sees Son Shane struggling, how will Manager Yuna be able to believe Hockey Shane that he can do it?

maybe david on his own was a temporary safe space as shane slowly transitioned out of that support system (both by himself and all the things that come with pursuing professional hockey) by distancing himself from first his mom and then his dad emotionally. there's still moments where he cannot help it (and he tries, he tries so hard) and he does everything in his power to make sure only his dad truly Sees in this period before he stops being Son Shane to them both. but eventually living away from them helps keep up the façade of Hockey Shane as Son Shane.

and then the cottage. he hasn't been truly Seen by them in years and years. and here he is baring his deepest and most personal secret that shows them his soul. and he didn't even get to choose to share it. he hasn't been pure Son Shane to them in more than a decade and he doesn't know what to do. his senses are going haywire. he hasn't had a truly personal chat with them in a Good While, let alone one of this magnitude. it's all so Overwhelming. there's no scripts to hold on to. nothing he's ever read or watched can help him here. and then his mom — Mom Yuna, someone he doesn't really know very well anymore— is asking him to Look at her. and usually he could get away with acknowledging her presence but she keeps asking and asking and it hurts so bad and he doesn't want to. there's no added value, she can see his face anyways. he doesn't want to see himself being Seen. and then she Sees him and for a short while they're Mom Yuna and Son Shane again, working through a moment of emotional overload. but then a switch flips and Manager Yuna is in front of him, and it's almost worse having her see him like this. like Son Shane, who he can't seem to reel in no matter how hard he tries.

Cowboy Shane ✨

Now I leave, for I must start When it's a Fishbowl before the sun is too high in the sky to excuse my lack of productivity.

I love how feet-kicky people get from this fic. That is very very often the vibe I am going for. Except when the vibe is, 'oh. oh no. oh no no no'