I've had some of these forks stuck in me for so long that I forgot that there ever was a 'before.'
I remembered tonight, but I'll forget again. (I always do.)
There are the recurring, day-to-day forks that never truly go away. There will always be more dirty dishes, more laundry. The bathrooms are always going to need to be cleaned again.
There are the forks that come with those lemons that Life is so fond of handing out, like when the only grandparents you have left AND your parents' (ie, the family's) dog are all in varying stages of Not Doing Well.
There the ones that are Not My Forks, But Are My Problem - all of the ADHD forks, the Childhood Abuse fork, all of the forks from the associated trauma, and the fork/bitter pill combo that is realizing that even though your abuser made the mess, you still have to clean it up.
There are the Difficult Life Things forks. My budget is tighter than I'd like it to be and my dog is due for (and will get) a rabies shot. I still haven't filed my taxes. There are three appointments that I need to make trapped behind a Dopamine paywall in my brain that I can't seem to unlock, potential skin cancer be damned. My job exists RIGHT in the ADHD-hell sweet spot where it doesn't require enough of my attention to keep it, but it requires JUST too much for me to be able to listen to a podcast or audiobook.
Then, there are the Long Depression Fallout Forks, which somehow feel both like fresh wounds constantly and also they feel ageless and eternal now. Adderall makes me lose my appetite. Depression makes me lose my appetite. And it turns out that these days, being sleep deprived, calorie deprived, or both makes me depressed. I need to get enough sleep AND enough calories for several days in a row to have one 'good' day, and once upon a time, it would have been a normal day.
It's been a year and a half of Mondays all the way down. I'm so used to brain fog that thinking clearly at all feels like a rare treat. Fork. I am constantly fighting at least one symptom of ADHD, and working on my mental health, and working on self-improvement. Fork. Fork. Fork. I feel like one good hyperfixation would fix me, but I can't hyperfixate. Fork. I'm bored, but nothing holds my interest. Fork. I want desperately to connect with some of my passions and hobbies, but my brain has created convoluted, ever-changing goalposts to jump through for every single one of them, and it won't tell me what they are, and sometimes they're full of surprise minefields.
Fork.
I know that things are looking up. I know that a few months ago, I had no good days, and that on the whole, I've had more good days lately than bad ones. I know that today was more good than bad, all things told.
Right now though, I just feel full of forks.


















