Endless Expanse

Feeling dirty and grimy for extended periods of time is extremely draining on the mental well-being of humans. Psychological studies prove it is detrimental to our self-esteem and contentment. And no wonder; we are animals--homo sapiens, a kind of ape--that instinctively places high importance on personal grooming. Like monkeys and cats and birds in a zoo, one of the best ways to make us feel sad ... is to make us feel gross to ourselves.

So here's an easy saying from my therapist/zookeeper:

"If you feel like you hate the world, eat something.

If you feel like the world hates you, get some sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, take a shower.

Like this. And it’s beautiful. It’s beautiful to hear a soliloquy I loved so much already, and have it come to life in a way it never, ever, did before. I feel like I grasp his motivations, his twists and turns, no longer on an academic level but on a visceral, instinctive one. Because he’s presenting his mental and emotional journey in a way that speaks honestly, like a real person.

dangers of the luring flame

in most languages the word for ‘mother’ usually starts with an M, because phonetically [m] is one of the easiest sounds for a newborn to make when they start babbling, and mothers tend to be the one most around the child. so in my mind that crosses M off the list, because it’s automatically associated with a feminine figure

similarly, ‘father’ tends to start with D, T, P, or B. (phonetically these sounds are very close together; [p, b] and [d, t] are all only different because of being voiced or unvoiced.) these are also phonetically easy letters and ones kids pick up on earlier.

now the hard sounds for kids are the following: [ɹ, d͡ʒ, tʃ, θ, ð] or in normal speak: the English R, the “j” or “dge” sound in “judge,” the “th” sound in “thigh” and the “th” sound in “the.” and we don’t want kids unable to say their parent’s name for years, so those are also off the list.

additionally, it’s easiest for young kids to just repeat the same sound twice rather than figuring out the tongue gymnastics of putting different sounds together, which is why kids will say Ma-Ma or Da-Da and not Ma-Mo or Da-Po. and we’ll want to stick with low back vowels like “ah” and avoid ones like the hard “i” or “ee.”

so what does that leave us? when we want a sound kids can learn easily and early but don’t want to just put a funky spin on “mama” or “dada”?

my suggestions: G, K, W, L. i personally lean towards W and L. they’re called liquids, since they’re the consonants that kind of aren’t consonants, and kids (and ESL learners) will tend to swap out the English R for a W or L until they can learn the R.

if i ever have a child, they’ll start calling me Wawa. then when they get older, they’ll call me Wala, or maybe even Wally.

and then, once they’re finally phonetically developed, they can call me by my true title as their nonbinary guardian for their 18+ years:

GAUDY SLIME Again I come to you, my followers, To ask a question near my goopy heart: When speaking to a parent, gender - none, What name am I to give them when I call? For, while “progenitor” is accurate, ‘Tis not a quip to call across the town.

FIRST CLOWN The word that comes to mind at first is “dom”.

FIRST WIZARD ‘Tis true, but if revers’d thy message is, A “moderator” comes to mind, with “mod”.

SECOND WIZARD Why, “op” would work when paired with “admin” ‘tis.

GAUDY SLIME Say “admin” when respect and love thou needst, Say “op” when meant derogatorily.

DOGGONLO At first, hearing thy words, I was to jest; But then, at second thought, I pondered it. What could one use when not a “ma” or “pa”? So, “ma”, the word, comes from a babe’s outcry, Since “em” and “ah” are easy to pronounce. And “da” and “pa” are also simply said. So what for gender-null? What for our Slime? Well, “ja” and “tha” and “tsa” are none a fit, As “ja-tha-tsa” are difficult to say - No babe could speak them while still in its youth. And in addition, repetition’s key, For “ma-ma” is to “pa-ma” pref'rable. We’ll stay with low and back-held vowels, too, For “ee” and “eye” are too complex for babes, So to the “ah” and “ooh” we keep our sound. Remaining still available to us, Good “ga”, kind “ka”, wise “wa”, and, lastly, “la”. Of these fine gents I point to “la” and “wa” As consonants that almost vowels be And make for ease of song for baby voice. If ever I a child take to me (For man or woman, neither one am I) A “wawa” or a “lala” will I be. And as they grow, their speech will strong become Till finally my true name’s in their grasp: ‘Tis Waluigi.

FIRST ATTENDANT Spite! O, I am hit! I thought I was to learn the lore of words But struck by cruel and slapstick strike am I!

THIRD WIZARD Uh, “baba” works, it’s used in other tongues.

SECOND ATTENDANT Yes, “baba” is the one I use, i'faith. But still - o Seer, why must thou attack?

SECOND CLOWN It seems to me that “tata” is the one For babes to “tatas” cling, no matter what.

GAUDY SLIME Wait, clown, dost thou speak truth to me? Real truth? Will babes reach for a breast devoid of milk?

CLOWNS and ATTENDANTS cheer in affirmation.

O never had I thought this day would come.

Enter the gay mothers, THOUGHTFUL and SUZLOUA.

THOUGHTFUL I cannot of a milkless breast inform, But lights shaped like a breast will draw the babe.

SUZLOUA I’ve heard the same by others said before. My son’s reached out for tied balloons in past.

GAUDY SLIME In gratitude I share with you a tale ‘Twas whisper’d to my ear a moment since: One said, when baptised, he then look’d about And tried to eat the “milk” of candles lit.

THIRD CLOWN This scene has all that ever I could want, The milk of human kindness shows itself, The gender-neutral words are brought along, And finally, our Waluigi’s here.

GAUDY SLIME Before we go, one final note to say: A friend has lately told that, as a child, They’d call for “maud” to come, for ‘twas A combination “ma” and “dad” in brief.

Merriment and rejoicing. The SHAKESPEAREIFIER lurks in the corner, taking notes.