Dead Gay Wizards From The 70s

James is a wreck, he's tired, moaning and praising Regulus, getting even dizzier as Regulus starts to tear up as he looked up. "Good—fuck—such a good boy. So fuckin' pretty—god, I'm gonna—"

Regulus is the exact same when it comes to James eating him out. No one else has ever cared to put enough effort into it. But James asks him to sit on his face and suffocate him. James has to pull Regulus down onto him, regulus holds onto the bedframe for support and his thighs shake against James' face. James doesn't let up, he doesn't get bored. He barely pulls away to take a breath. He lets Regulus rock down onto his face, put more pressure on him.

Regulus whines, it's James' first time seeing just how pretty he is when he cries and sobs. Regulus lets his eyes roll back, his hips buck into James' mouth.

but its been months (years really) of remus denying his feelings for sirius but talking about them and sirius non-stop and regulus is about to say fuck it and deal with it once and for all

so there remus is, spouting poetry about sirius' eyes, heart, legs, arse, laugh, whatever while also being adamant that theyre just bros

and there regulus is, drafting his "im sorry i killed your friend, are we still brothers?" letter to sirius for after he Deals with remus

when remus says "but of course i think he's pretty. he's a black. all blacks are pretty. so its not a crush on sirius. its just the effects of being near a black; its just a matter of sirius being a black, ya know?"

and regulus, without hesitation or rlly any thought, kisses remus

and remus is flabbergasted; jaw dropped, man's world is turning, as he tries to figure out how to politely let down his bestie-not-crush's little brother

and regulus is, calm as ever, studying again

remus: what--wHAT WAS THAT

regulus: a kiss; or are you so idiotic that you do not know what that is]

remus: i /know/ what a kiss is; i just dont know why YOU kissed ME

regulus: ugh, must i spell out everything; i am a black, sirius' brother at that

remus: i KNOW sirius is going to skin me alive

regulus, ignoring him: and now you know what's it like to kiss a black; so you can figure out whether your attraction to sirius is solely due to him being a black, or him being, well, sirius

remus:

remus: huh

regulus: so?

remus: oh holy fuck; im in love with sirius

regulus, pissed: if you don't leave me alone, im going to tell sirius you hexed me

james:

james: what??? i havent !!! ever!!!

regulus: sirius doesnt know that

james: ??? sirius knows i wouldnt!!! ur his brother! he's my best friend

regulus: so?

james: he knows me! he knows i wouldnt

regulus: sure. maybe. but you think im gonna go to him without proof

james:

james: you're gonna hex yourself?

regulus, scoffing: of course not

regulus: im going to cry

james:

regulus: sirius hasnt seen me cry since i was 8; if i go to him, and cry, he wont think of the logics; he wont think 'oh would james do that?' 'is my little brother emotionally manipulating me?'; he'll just be pissed

james:

james, weakly: what if i tell him you said this

regulus: what? you think he'll believe that id willingly embarrass myself by crying

james:

james:

regulus: i would crawl in and out of hell, just to make things uncomfortable and miserable for you

james:

james: all i said was that holyhead harpies didn't have the best season this season

he doesnt think about it, until one of sirius' friends calls him "reg" and then immediately apologizes and he's like "??????"

remus: oh poor guy; is he in his room

sirius: yeah, im trying to give him space

*regulus at a muggle gay club*

regulus:

regulus: um hello?

lily: im lily. lily evans

regulus: oh i know. im regulus black....

regulus: is there a reason you're sitting here?

lily: yes, i have a plan

regulus:

regulus: congratulations

lily: and it involves you

regulus:

regulus: okay you're going to have to explain. i dont even know you

lily: potter lent me his jumper the other day

regulus: ?

lily: but he's usually a total toe-rag and i thought i could get revenge

regulus: fair

lily: and that's where you come in

regulus: you want me to hex his jumper---of wait is the jumper a distraction---i'll hex off his arms--

lily: woah calm down.

lily: no, you're gonna give the jumper back to potter for me

regulus:

regulus: your definition of revenge is lame, count me out

lily: in front of sirius

regulus: still lame

lily: and imply that potter gave it to you

regulus:

regulus: oh?

lily: of course, leave the details on how you would have encountered potter; how he could have lent it to you, all that really vague...

regulus:

regulus: so that sirius' gets the wrong idea

lily: exactly

regulus: oh im so in. but wait---wouldnt potter clear it up? call me a liar?

lily: sirius will be too freaked out to care. but if you're worried--

regulus: no. i have it. i'll be vague and unclear enough to imply to potter that you lent it to me, which will freak out potter as well

lily: perfect

regulus: also, let's put itching potions on this

lily: ooh, i have five :)

Sometimes, in fandom, we just want to write id-tastic fic that rolls around in tropes that might be viewed as problematic. But we don’t want to address the problematic side of things in this particular fanwork; we just want to roll around and wallow.

It is considered courteous to give readers a heads-up via use of AO3 tags. I propose a tag that signals that a given fanwork is for rolling around, not giving a measured evaluation of anything. The MCU has carved out a space for this sort of fic with the “HYDRA Trash Party” tag, for which I commend them. Trash Party is a bit too specific to cover all of the ground I’m thinking of here, though; I propose “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat.”

For those of you not familiar with Arrested Development, Michael Bluth finds a paper bag in the freezer labeled “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat.” He opens the bag, finds a dead dove, and reacts as follows:

[gif of a white man saying “I don’t know what I expected” in a deadpan manner]

The “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat” tag would essentially be a “what it says on the tin” metatag, indicating “you see the tropes and concepts tagged here? they are going to appear in this fic. exactly as said. there will not necessarily be any subversion, authorial commentary condemning problematic aspects, or meditation on potential harm. this fic contains dead dove. if you proceed, you should expect to encounter it.”

Regulus: what baby?