"Moony and I decided that if we're both still single at thirty, we're going to marry each other."
James choked on his pumpkin juice. Lily, who had been lazily playing with the ends of James’s hair, froze.
"You what?" James wheezed.
"It’s a pact," Sirius explained casually, reaching over to steal a piece of bacon off Remus’s plate. Remus didn't even look up from his book; he just automatically shifted his plate an inch closer to Sirius so it would be easier for him to reach. "If we hit thirty and neither of us has found a wife, we'll just tie the knot. For tax purposes. And because I can't cook."
Lily stared at them. She looked at Sirius, who was currently wearing one of Remus’s jumpers, and then at Remus, who was using Sirius’s knee as an armrest.
"Right," she snorted. "A pact."
"Yeah," Remus mumbled. "It’s practical. We already know we can tolerate each other."
"Tolerate," James repeated, incredulous. "Sirius, you literally threatened to hex a first-year yesterday because they bumped into Remus in the corridor."
"He was moving entirely too fast," Sirius defended, looking genuinely offended. "Moony has bad joints."
"And Remus," Lily continued. "You spent three hours last week mending a tear in Sirius's jacket by hand because he claimed the reparo charm makes the leather 'feel itchy.'"
"He has very sensitive skin, Lily," Remus defended. "You know he only sleeps on silk pillowcases."
James rubbed his face with both hands, looking like he was rapidly losing his grip on reality.
"You two have lived in each other’s pockets for six years. You pushed your beds together since fourth year, you sign your Christmas cards together, Sirius only lets you cut his hair and refuses to study unless his feet are resting in your lap. Yesterday, I watched Sirius eat a piece of toast directly out of Remus's hand."
"My nails were drying," Sirius argued. "I couldn't risk smudging the polish."
"You're already married!" James exclaimed, throwing his arms up. "You just haven't signed the paperwork! I feel like I'm third-wheeling a sixty-year marriage every time I sit in my own dormitory!"
Sirius scoffed, rolling his eyes at Remus. "We are not inviting him to the wedding.”
James put his head down on the table and refused to speak for the rest of breakfast.
