I do appreciate an academic with a sense of humor.

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@jedimordsith
I do appreciate an academic with a sense of humor.

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rip king, truly nobody was doing it for weird sci-fi and fantasy obsessed nerds like you 💔
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cd0p0rz4n0mo
Hear me out: the funniest way to read the Emperor's Hand is as Darth Sidious accidentally honoring the traditions of his homeworld.
Because obviously TTT, Mara Jade, and the Emperor's Hand as a concept predate both the PT and Palpatine being from Naboo, but they're all perfectly backwards compatible.
And the Naboo handmaiden system is objectively insane.
I love it! It rules!
It is ALSO insane.
George Lucas was, as always, operating primarily on vibes and mythic imagery rather than asking uncomfortable sociological questions, but if you stop and think about the institution for more than a solid minute, it immediately starts raising eyebrows.
What kind of society elects a teenage queen and then surrounds her with a cadre of teenage noblewomen trained to impersonate her, carry weapons, participate in security operations, keep state secrets, and potentially DIE in her place?? That's not even a hypothetical, that's Cordé.
That's a state security apparatus specifically created from child soldiers wearing silk and makeup.
My favorite headcanon is that the answer lies buried in the institution itself!
Once upon a time, someone kept trying to kill the Queen.
Maybe it was rival houses. Maybe succession disputes. Maybe civil war. Doesn't really matter, the point is that Naboo's history was far uglier than its idyllic image suggests.
Eventually some desperate monarch, cornered by enemies and running out of options, came up with a brilliant solution: every major noble family would send a daughter to court. They would be honored guests publicly ... functionally they would also be hostages. They would be trained to fight, trained to serve, trained to imitate the Queen's speech and mannerisms so thoroughly that no assassin could ever be entirely certain who they were killing.
Viewed through that lens, the institution suddenly starts making a little more sense. What noble is going to sponsor a plot against the throne when the young woman wearing the crown might actually be his own daughter? Every major family now has a personal stake in the monarch's survival. The knives are still there, but now everyone has to think twice before drawing them.
Over centuries, the original purpose becomes obscured. The hostages become companions. The companions become handmaidens. The coercion gets wrapped in honor.
Which is exactly how cultural institutions survive.
And if you accept that premise, Naboo becomes a much more interesting place. Beneath the fountains and beautiful architecture is a society that normalized masks, doubles, hidden identities and carefully managed appearances.
The Queen pretends to be a handmaiden.
The handmaiden pretends to be the Queen.
Political survival depends on controlling appearances.
Which is EXACTLY THE CULTURE that should produce a Sith Lord in the exact flavor of Darth Sidious.
For most Naboo, the culture of masks and doubles becomes a defensive adaptation; for Palpatine, it becomes a worldview. The future Emperor spends decades pretending to be a kindly public servant while secretly engineering galactic catastrophe. He presents himself as a grandfatherly statesman while running the largest conspiracy in galactic history. He doesn't reject Naboo's political culture; he internalizes it and weaponizes it. Which is extremely Sith.
And then we get to the handmaidens themselves.
Because I am convinced that Senator Palpatine watched the events of TPM unfold and took notes.
Imagine him sitting there watching a bunch of fourteen-year-old girls with blasters repeatedly interfere with his plans.
Not just the Jedi or elite soldiers or master spies.
Handmaidens.
Loyal. Adaptable. Good at disguises. Comfortable with deception. Willing to risk their lives for the person they serve. Every time one of Padmé's girls successfully pulls off another switcheroo or security operation, Palpatine's reaction isn't just annoyance but professional admiration.
Somewhere in the back of his mind there has to be a moment of: I want one.
Not a handmaiden, exactly. That's too obviously Naboo. But the concept? The concept is excellent.
Fast forward a few decades!
Palpatine is Emperor now. He takes the idea apart and rebuilds it according to Sith principles.
He keeps the loyalty. He keeps the secrecy. He keeps the personal service and the ability to operate independently. He keeps the willingness to sacrifice everything for the person at the center of the system. Then he strips away the humanity and replaces it with possession. He adds espionage, assassination, manipulation, and dark side conditioning.
Hmm, needs less sisterhood and more murder.
The result of course is Mara Jade.
At some point he absolutely had to workshop the title.
"Emperor's Handmaiden?"
No. Too obvious.
"Emperor's Hand."
Perfect, print it.
Everything gets scaled up, militarized, stripped of its humanity, and rebuilt in obsidian.
Which feels phenomenally appropriate for the dark side. Sith don't invent things from whole cloth. They corrupt, distort, and take something that already exists and twist it into a more selfish, controlling form.
And that's exactly what Palpatine does with Naboo. For all his claims of transcending ordinary beings, for all his efforts to become something greater than human, he never really stops being a product of his homeworld.
He just takes every institution he inherited and asks himself what the most evil possible version would look like.
The final irony is Mara herself.
Because in this reading she's the dark reflection of a Naboo handmaiden. She is the culmination of Palpatine's attempt to recreate and weaponize one of the defining institutions of his youth.
She's like the cultural fusion of Naboo and Sith cultures. Culturally orange chicken.
And after all that effort, after decades of planning and conditioning and control, she eventually defects, marries Luke Skywalker, and gets absorbed into the very family that destroys everything Palpatine built.
That's Star Wars AF.
please stop writing "viscous" when you mean "vicious", it produces the weirdest mental images ever
"a viscous murder" yeah i don't want to know what that could look like
it looks like the Boston Molassacre of 1919
#and vice versa btw#i don’t know what a vicious fluid would be like#and i don’t want to find out
it looks like the Boston Molassacre of 1919

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This search for Cardas is getting frustrating...
Dances Without Purpose - Chapter 10 is up!
Mara's frustration with her mission leads her to make some interesting choices...
You should be starting a recipe book. I don't give a shit if you're only 20-years-old. The modern web is rotting away bit by bit before our very eyes. You have no idea when that indie mom blog is going down or when Pinterest will remove that recipe. Copy it down in a notebook, physically or digitally. Save it somewhere only you can remove it. Trust me, looking for a recipe only to find out it's been wiped off the internet is so fucking sad. I've learned my lesson one too many times.
reading other comments on the fic you’ve just commented on is like. asynchronous book club meeting 🫶
SkyJade fans: we don't talk enough about how absolutely deranged the year 10ABY was for Mara Jade specifically.
Because at the end of the Thrawn campaign (~9.5ABY), Luke gives her his father's lightsaber.
Which he treats as a normal coworker interaction / gentle encouragement to join his Jedi Academy.
This is, for the record, COMPLETELY INSANE behavior.
Sir. This woman VERY recently had an inescapable psychic kill command for you lodged in her skull courtesy of the Emperor. And your response to resolving this situation is apparently:
“Here, take my dead father’s laser sword.”
:)
Luke is operating on spiritually earnest farmboy logic here, but Mara — who is bad at emotions in general and especially bad at affection directed at herself — is nevertheless, like many women, dimly aware of this thing called BOUNDARIES and decides maybe she should not immediately go do Jedi training with the incredibly intense blond man handing her meaningful family heirlooms after one shared military campaign.
Now, the Doylist explanation for all of this is obviously that the EU authors in this era were barely coordinating.
But the Watsonian result is hysterical.
Because while the rest of the cast is dealing with assorted disasters with the Imperial Civil War and Dark Empire Trilogy, Mara quietly kriffs offscreen to pursue Jedi training.
Not with Master Skywalker.
No.
With Kyle Katarn.
And if you know the timeline, this is SO funny because circa 9.5–10ABY Kyle is basically an independent-study self-certified Jedi Master whose primary qualifications are:
surviving
owning a lightsaber
and aggressively tomb raiding Sith ruins
This is peak Jedi Knight era Kyle. His entire educational and life philosophy is basically, “I found this in a crypt and it probably won’t kill me.”
So Mara, in an effort to avoid one emotionally complicated Jedi, accidentally apprentices herself to another Jedi whose emotional range is approximately that of a very honorable brick.
And naturally this culminates in Mysteries of the Sith, where Kyle immediately gets too cocky poking around Sith artifacts on Dromund Kaas and falls to the dark side.
Which means poor Mara spends her gap year dragging THIS IDIOT back from corruption.
(Should this perhaps have given her an early warning sign about the Exar Kun situation brewing at Luke’s Academy in the Jedi Academy Trilogy? You would THINK.)
But WAIT. Because this is ALSO the year of Dark Empire, my very favorite and absolutely deranged year of the Legends timeline.
So imagine this from Mara’s perspective.
You flee the emotionally earnest not-quite-love-interest Jedi by going to study under another Jedi who immediately starts having Sith Artifact Problems.
And then somewhere in the middle of this nonsense you get the news bulletin:
“By the way, Luke Skywalker got yoinked away by some kind of inexplicable Force storm and has apparently resurfaced as the military commander of the Reborn Emperor’s Operation Shadow Hand.”
And Mara’s just standing there like:
“... the REBORN WHAT.”
So during the events of Mysteries of the Sith, Mara successfully drags Kyle back from the dark side through what is, functionally, the Power of Friendship.
Like yes there are Sith artifacts and Force visions and actual mechanics involved, but emotionally the plot is basically:
“Kyle, stop licking cursed tomb walls.”
“No.” *lick*
“Kyle PLEASE.”
And somehow it works.
So Mara presumably exits this experience going:
“Great. Wonderful. Fantastic. I have now personally managed one emotionally constipated Jedi man having Sith Problems. Time to go talk down or put down Skywalker.”
And she’s probably mentally preparing herself for the world’s worst intervention road trip.
Like:
“Apparently if I don’t supervise Jedi personally they start freebasing Sith artifacts within thirty business days.”
Except then she gets back and —
Oh.
Luke already came back with his sister's help.
Apparently it was a phase.
Wonderful.
Excellent.
I DON’T have to solve every problem myself.
But then the VERY NEXT YEAR, 11ABY, the New Republic looks at this man — this VERY RECENTLY RECOVERED FROM A SITH APPRENTICESHIP man — and decides:
“Yes. We should give him government support to found a religious boarding school for Force-sensitive children.”
Insane institutional decision-making.
And Luke, who has learned absolutely nothing about normal interpersonal pacing, immediately circles back around to:
“Hey Mara :)
“do you want to come train at my Jedi Academy :)”
SIR.
From her perspective you vanished into evil hyperspace weather, joined your dead fascist dad’s evil wizard cult, and got government funding to open a school less than a year later.
And maybe the craziest part is that she STILL eventually marries him. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Tags via @duncatra
The canonicity of the games was always questionable at best I think
But one of the great accidental comedies of Legends continuity is that the Jedi Academy Trilogy was written BEFORE Mysteries of the Sith was released, so nobody intended these character beats to connect.
But RETROACTIVELY?
Oh my GOD no wonder Mara doesn’t want to stay at Luke’s academy on Yavin IV.
From Mara’s chronological perspective the sequence of events is basically:
Luke gives her his father’s lightsaber and invites her to come train as a Jedi.
She says “respectfully I need distance from whatever this is” and goes to train with Kyle Katarn instead.
Kyle immediately gets corrupted by Sith energy on Dromund Kaas because he cannot stop freebasing haunted archaeology.
Mara personally has to drag him back from the brink.
She returns to civilization to discover Luke has ALSO had a dark side incident and briefly joined the Reborn Emperor after finding Sidious's holocron in the ruins of the Imperial Palace.
But it's okay he got better and we're not going to talk about it.
But then Luke goes: “Anyway I’m opening a Jedi school :)”
On Yavin IV.
In ancient Massassi temples.
Built by Sith cultists.
This is an active spiritual biohazard??
Like Mara has now accumulated enough empirical data to reasonably conclude that prolonged exposure to Sith artifacts causes Jedi men to start making catastrophic life choices within weeks.
And Luke’s out here cheerfully trying to run a boarding school directly on top of the galaxy’s most haunted architecture.
OF COURSE SHE LEAVES.
Honestly the most unrealistic part of JAT isn't even toddler Jacen beating up Exar Kun with a lightsaber. I have a 2yo, that kid is vicious with a plastic lightsaber
It’s that Mara doesn’t spend the entire trilogy standing outside the temples with a spray bottle yelling NO every time someone with a Y chromosome approached

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
SkyJade fans: we don't talk enough about how absolutely deranged the year 10ABY was for Mara Jade specifically.
Because at the end of the Thrawn campaign (~9.5ABY), Luke gives her his father's lightsaber.
Which he treats as a normal coworker interaction / gentle encouragement to join his Jedi Academy.
This is, for the record, COMPLETELY INSANE behavior.
Sir. This woman VERY recently had an inescapable psychic kill command for you lodged in her skull courtesy of the Emperor. And your response to resolving this situation is apparently:
“Here, take my dead father’s laser sword.”
:)
Luke is operating on spiritually earnest farmboy logic here, but Mara — who is bad at emotions in general and especially bad at affection directed at herself — is nevertheless, like many women, dimly aware of this thing called BOUNDARIES and decides maybe she should not immediately go do Jedi training with the incredibly intense blond man handing her meaningful family heirlooms after one shared military campaign.
Now, the Doylist explanation for all of this is obviously that the EU authors in this era were barely coordinating.
But the Watsonian result is hysterical.
Because while the rest of the cast is dealing with assorted disasters with the Imperial Civil War and Dark Empire Trilogy, Mara quietly kriffs offscreen to pursue Jedi training.
Not with Master Skywalker.
No.
With Kyle Katarn.
And if you know the timeline, this is SO funny because circa 9.5–10ABY Kyle is basically an independent-study self-certified Jedi Master whose primary qualifications are:
surviving
owning a lightsaber
and aggressively tomb raiding Sith ruins
This is peak Jedi Knight era Kyle. His entire educational and life philosophy is basically, “I found this in a crypt and it probably won’t kill me.”
So Mara, in an effort to avoid one emotionally complicated Jedi, accidentally apprentices herself to another Jedi whose emotional range is approximately that of a very honorable brick.
And naturally this culminates in Mysteries of the Sith, where Kyle immediately gets too cocky poking around Sith artifacts on Dromund Kaas and falls to the dark side.
Which means poor Mara spends her gap year dragging THIS IDIOT back from corruption.
(Should this perhaps have given her an early warning sign about the Exar Kun situation brewing at Luke’s Academy in the Jedi Academy Trilogy? You would THINK.)
But WAIT. Because this is ALSO the year of Dark Empire, my very favorite and absolutely deranged year of the Legends timeline.
So imagine this from Mara’s perspective.
You flee the emotionally earnest not-quite-love-interest Jedi by going to study under another Jedi who immediately starts having Sith Artifact Problems.
And then somewhere in the middle of this nonsense you get the news bulletin:
“By the way, Luke Skywalker got yoinked away by some kind of inexplicable Force storm and has apparently resurfaced as the military commander of the Reborn Emperor’s Operation Shadow Hand.”
And Mara’s just standing there like:
“... the REBORN WHAT.”
So during the events of Mysteries of the Sith, Mara successfully drags Kyle back from the dark side through what is, functionally, the Power of Friendship.
Like yes there are Sith artifacts and Force visions and actual mechanics involved, but emotionally the plot is basically:
“Kyle, stop licking cursed tomb walls.”
“No.” *lick*
“Kyle PLEASE.”
And somehow it works.
So Mara presumably exits this experience going:
“Great. Wonderful. Fantastic. I have now personally managed one emotionally constipated Jedi man having Sith Problems. Time to go talk down or put down Skywalker.”
And she’s probably mentally preparing herself for the world’s worst intervention road trip.
Like:
“Apparently if I don’t supervise Jedi personally they start freebasing Sith artifacts within thirty business days.”
Except then she gets back and —
Oh.
Luke already came back with his sister's help.
Apparently it was a phase.
Wonderful.
Excellent.
I DON’T have to solve every problem myself.
But then the VERY NEXT YEAR, 11ABY, the New Republic looks at this man — this VERY RECENTLY RECOVERED FROM A SITH APPRENTICESHIP man — and decides:
“Yes. We should give him government support to found a religious boarding school for Force-sensitive children.”
Insane institutional decision-making.
And Luke, who has learned absolutely nothing about normal interpersonal pacing, immediately circles back around to:
“Hey Mara :)
“do you want to come train at my Jedi Academy :)”
SIR.
From her perspective you vanished into evil hyperspace weather, joined your dead fascist dad’s evil wizard cult, and got government funding to open a school less than a year later.
And maybe the craziest part is that she STILL eventually marries him. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Poor Mara.
Your emotionally intense situationship platonic friend — who is functionally a golden retriever somehow trapped inside the body of the galaxy’s most powerful Jedi — gives you his father’s lightsaber and goes:
“you should come train with me :)”
Which is already enough to make any emotionally avoidant woman flee into deep space immediately.
So you go find yourself to ANOTHER Jedi to train with instead.
Unfortunately this second Jedi is an unsupervised cryptozoologist with a lightsaber and approximately the impulse control of a raccoon in a haunted antiques store.
So now YOU have to spend your year abroad preventing him from licking cursed Sith tombs.
And while this is happening, civilization apparently loses its ENTIRE mind.
Because Mara comes back from Space Hell Vacation expecting maybe a few of the usual normal military disasters and instead gets hit with:
“Oh yeah while you were gone, Luke got sucked away in some kind of dark side hyperspace anomaly and temporarily joined the REBORN EMPEROR.”
And poor Mara’s just standing there like:
…the WHAT reborn.
THE EMPEROR emperor??
The one I JUST finished evicting from my brain??
That one???
And you know there had to be at least thirty solid seconds where she internally went:
“Did SKYWALKER lick a cursed tomb too? Is that what happened here??”
Mara, do you need to talk?
Chapter 7 of Dances Without Purpose - is up.
Mara's painfully awkward conversation with Luke has consequences too
So unfortunately I found this while scrolling through Pinterest on my phone and ofc the artist wasn't credited 🙄 Google Lens search wasn't helpful either. Does anyone know where this is from so I can credit them????? This has got to be one of the most gorgeous pieces of Lukemara fanart I've ever seen 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I think one of the funniest abortion stances I've heard was from my parents neighbor. He's a like, hard-core libertarian viking larper guy who is very tall and very fat and very bald.
He believes a fetus is human with a soul, but also its "basically attacking the woman's body" so if she wants to get rid of it, that's "basically self-defense". He compared it to shooting a home invader. So he supports abortion not as healthcare, but as killing a baby in self-defense
Y'know I'm so glad someone reminded me of this. Because this was also discussed.
My stepmother did NOT like the way her Libertarian Viking Neighbor framed pregnancy as the fetus "attacking the woman". She incredulously told him this was extremely disrespectful to expectant mothers to portray pregnancy as so violent and negative.
Libertarian Viking Neighbor's response was that people consensually hurt each other all the time, and "there's like a whole community about that, with the acronym the one that starts with a B" And his reasoning was that if the mother was consenting to bring attacked by the baby, it in fact wasn't violent and negative because there was consent.
He brought up people consensually hurting each other, didn't go for one of the obvious answers like boxing or body mods or something, no he went STRAIGHT TO BDSM and he DIDN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE ACRONYM
For the record, "a fetus has a soul, but it is by nature attacking the gestating parent, and so therefore killing it is permissible self-defense" is one of the most common Jewish positions on the subject, and it's the stance that the Rambam (Maimonides) takes:
Halakhic Parameters of Abortion: A Study Guide Guided Questions for Chavruta Learning See sources 1-5 which serve as the core sources for th
I agree that jumping all the way straight to BDSM to talk about consent is wild, but even so, I feel like it's worth pointing out that the substantive point about the nature of a fetus is hardly uncharted philosophical ground. I'd actually argue that, if you look at the philosophical history, it's pretty clear that the only reason that this seems strange to many of us currently is that the modern Christian far right has done an incredible amount to suppress this viewpoint and keep it completely out of the discourse. And I think that we do harm to the pro-choice movement as a whole by treating the position of "being a human life does not give you a free pass to use someone else's body and to do harm to them" as though it's some wacky modern libertarian thing, rather than a pretty normative opinion that famous and well-regarded philosophers and religious authorities have been expressing about abortion specifically, for literally more than 800 years.

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At least I wasn't the only one suffering.
Dances Without Purpose - Chapter 6 is up.
The fallout from the gala might be a bit more than Mara expected...