baran developing an acute sense of time and how long things should take as a child to determine if she’d had a seizure. wearing a watch and checking it before and after she does a math problem. before and after she brushes her teeth. before and after she reads a page of a book.
when her seizures were at their most frequent and uncontrolled, she got into an obsessive habit of setting 5 minute timers at home. if the time passed too quickly, she knew she’d had a seizure.
her siblings get so annoyed at the obnoxious egg timer they save up to buy her one that vibrates instead. her father thinks it’s wise to keep track for her neurologist and dosage purposes and says nothing more about it. her mother sees how anxious and distracted it makes her and suggests she listen to music or guided meditations instead when she descends into that compulsive loop. any jumps in the tape, and she’d achieve the same goal with less shock to her nervous system.
it’s not a reliable way to monitor her seizures, but it’s something that escapes logic and grips her tight anyway.
after the fourth of july, baran buys a smart watch. at home, she checks it before and after she does dishes. before and after she makes kaveh’s bed. before and after she folds laundry. she knows how long these things should take and confirms the right amount of time has passed with her watch, the virtual second hand sliding around the virtual face.
she’s more likely to know she had a seizure while at work. coming back to herself to people staring at her, concerned or confused, is enough of a tip off. still, she gets in the habit of setting 5 minute timers that vibrate against her wrist, that she has to swipe to restart every time. people notice.
once, while charting, dana rests a hand on her shoulder. baran doesn’t move.
when baran comes back to herself with a blink, she looks up at dana — surprised but comforted by the touch — and then feels the buzzing against her skin. dread sinks in her. she swipes to repeat it.
“40 seconds, maybe. that timer’s gonna give you stress ulcers and blood pressure medication.”
baran wants to ask how she knows what the timer’s for, a knee-jerk defensive reaction. but dana knows. the attendings know. she had to tell them. they were all shockingly normal and accommodating, but baran’s mind hadn’t caught up yet.
“my mother would say the same thing.”
“smart woman.” dana pauses, and baran’s not sure she wants to hear what she’s going to say. “you know there’s an app that logs movement. one of my girls uses it at the gym. there’s probably a way to track a lack of movement. then you can check it at the end of the day instead of every 5 minutes. you’re makin’ the residents jittery.”
baran’s reminded of her mother. the careful redirection. no judgment. just meeting baran where she is. she hasn’t experienced that in a long time. or maybe she just hadn’t let herself.
“i’ll look into it. thank you, dana,” she says with so much sincerity it makes dana soften and nod once in solidarity.
baran swallows down the hot feeling in her throat and wonders if maybe there are more people like dana out there than she realized.
2087
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