G.O.M.C.

In that first photo, I was 255 pounds.

In the most recent photo, I am 275.

Again-

255 vs 275.

I'm not like... trying to lose weight so much as stay active, which isn't difficult between my job and my dance stuff and all the running around that I do.

God, that fibroid was killing me. I had no idea why I was losing weight but my stomach was getting bigger. I figured it was perimenopause. (And the hair loss, the mood swings, bad joints, general pain)

The puffiness in my face is from my immune system going into overdrive.

The thing that I've been dysmorphic about is the way my belly overhangs, which is in part stress on the tendons from trying to support the fibroid. I'm trying to work on that with light stretching- it's not necessary to fix it all at once.

And the scars, a little bit, but my gynecologist gave me permission to slap some tattoos on them.

But like...

Weight is not an indicator of health. Pounds are not equal to fat. Fatness isn't unhealthy. Health is not an indicator of worth. The numbers are meaningless.

I'd rather be 275 pounds and have some belly overhang than 250 pounds and chronically anemic.

she used to stiffen, curl up, soldier through hugs with pressed-lip smiles, hold a patient's hand when they really needed it, feeling a little unnerved the whole time. touch is supposed to comfort, be a basic human need, and of course she knows that, it was just... never for her.

until baran. until baran who never made her feel like too much, baran who always made her feel wanted, desired, adored. baran who didn't mind when trinity curled herself in the warmth of her lap, nuzzling under her jaw, kissing lightly at her skin. it's nice, impossibly nice, and sometimes it leads somewhere, sometimes it doesn't.

"Murder is bad. In the time period discussed, people sometimes committed murders (2 citations). And most people agreed that murder was bad, but it was widely known that murders still happened."

And your advisor goes, "Did most people agree, though? Was it widely known?"

And you go (sigh.). Okay. And do twelve hours of going back through your readings. And rewrite.

"Murder is bad (4 citations). In this time, people sometimes committed murders (6 citations). People did not all agree that it was bad (2 citations). There was disagreement about exactly how bad (3 citations)."

And you look at your draft. And you go. But. But we all — I mean, the archival sources from the time are in fact QUITE CLEAR about how widely known it was! Like–! I've read hundreds of letters and a third of them mention murder! I've talked to so many historians of this time and place and we ALL talk about the murder thing!

And you look at the twelve goddamned hours of searching you did. And you write several increadingly desperate emails to colleagues. And after another few days, you come to the agonizing realization that, in fact, there are no citations of published work establishing that people knew murders occurred despite them being bad and against the law. And then you spend another week looking up those archival sources. And you rewrite again.

"Everyone knows that [reaction A] works like this and [reaction B] works like that". Very common way to start a paper or thesis in this field. Everybody knows this, we can carry on with the more interesting stuff about [reaction C].

Huh. These 73 citations all cite each other in a ouroboros and the only original source in the lot is a popular science book which is indeed worth citing, but it's a memoir, which I have read repeatedly, and the author of the memoir just threw this out there as another example of "things everyone just knew in those days".

Because before covid arrived, "everyone knew" that particles under a certain size can't aerosolize. (You can find the details here and certainly in other places too.) Covid particles are over that size, therefore covid could not be airborne, and as long as people stayed 2 meters / 6 feet apart, it couldn't be transmitted through the air.

And it took someone tracking down the original source of that info that "everyone knows" to discover that it was from the fucking 1930s, originally about tuberculosis specifically, although even the study on tuberculosis didn't mention this number because actually, the number had come from completely different research into what size of particles can reach the deepest part of the lungs, and they just assumed that was the cutoff for aerosols. There was never even a study measuring tuberculosis particles at this cutoff or anything, they just assumed based on completely different information.

And this number had been cited so many times in so many different situations that everyone just took it for granted. The fucking WHO was making announcements claiming not only is covid not airborne, but it was "misinformation" to imply that it was.

And it was wrong. Covid has always been airborne, distancing was never going to be enough, and by the time that was finally established, it was basically too late to contain it (or, at least, too late to contain it in a way that the people in charge were going to be willing to enforce).

As big of a pain in the ass as it is properly checking and citing your sources, it really fucking matters. When you're a student it probably won't have that much of an effect on the world, but it's important to get in the habit of really, truly, properly checking every source and finding a reputable source to cite for every single assertion you make, because you never know when something you just assumed was true because "everyone knows it" will turn out to be wrong.

Unfortunately FEMA is under heavy assault, and that doesn't look like it's going to end any time soon. The BRIC program is just one portion of it so far. We're also seeing Trump be slow to sign disaster declarations, and even not signing them at all or denying them, and tons of grants have been frozen or revoked outside of the BRIC program as well. He also just announced the people he's putting on his FEMA review committee today and...ah...it's a terrible bunch.

This administration's goal with FEMA is to put disaster response back into the hands of the states. But that is just impossible. According to one higher up Emergency Management guy I spoke with recently, in Alabama, only four counties could afford to run their own Emergency Management departments without FEMA grants. Four. Alabama has 67 total counties. (He also stated that, to recover from Helene without FEMA help, counties in Alabama would have to raise property taxes 55-70%.) I would guess the numbers would be similar across most states.

Point is, yeah, it's a bad damn time right now. And it is probably not going to get better at any useful speed.

BUT.

But there are a ton of great people focused on this problem, and we're all working hard to plan for these changes as much as possible. What that looks like is changing all the time, due to the goalposts constantly getting yanked around, but it is being worked on. No matter what, some form of help is ALWAYS going to be there. It may not look the way you expect, or the way you want, but there will be something, even if it's just your neighbors.

Some things you can do to help:

Look up "Your State + VOAD." VOAD stands for "Voluntary Organizations Active in Disaster." This will get you a list of local, vetted volunteer organizations that specifically offer their services during disasters. See if there's one you want to/can help out with, even during non disaster times! You can also look up "National VOAD" to find national groups.

If you have ever made use of ANY of FEMA's services, or you know someone who has, and you have a positive story to share about it, do so. Do it loudly and repeatedly wherever and whenever you can.

Go to your local city/state political meetings and talk about the value you see in FEMA and that you want to see it protected.

Call your representatives and tell them the value you see in FEMA and that you want to see it protected.