I think having been a shut-in who spent a lot of time avoiding their deep sadness with whatever junk food was available gives me a different relationship to productivity than a lot of people whose life experience has been working in some service job they loathe and always being overwhelmed with chores when they come home. I can't really idealize leisure and large unstructured chunks of time, as much as I've tried at certain points, and I think my life is kind of a case study in why developing tolerance for the voice in your head who judges you for not getting things done is a bad idea. The voice in my head who judges me for not getting things done made some points

I started becoming happier immediately after taking on responsibilities after having a whole era of going... Lol it's so based that I don't need to work and I should just coast on this and get high and listen to new music and message my friends on Discord. I was of course quietly hating myself the whole time, because I knew that my ability to participate in society had decayed, I knew I was a disabled person LARPing a life of abundant leisure, and that if I didn't acclimate to doing hard things I would be trapped forever

the littlest het slop

The only media I ever watched was avatar the lost air bender and dnd podcasts can I write a novel to change the world?

ok enough regular fujoshi media we need to investigate how writing about men fucking is actually proxy sex between women we need a story about two womens increasingly codependent and toxic online friendship built on writing slash fiction together escalating to doing sex roleplay on instant messengers pretending to be their favorite ship to get better at writing so they can really embody the mind of the characters obviously and talking one of the women thru her divorce and their weird emotionally blurred and toxic friendship as the more talented friend keeps leveraging her popularity and control over a major fanfic site in the fandom to keep control over the rapidly deteriorating friendship and they have weird phone sex and one of them realizes they are gay for real and gets a girlfriend whos jealous of how much time shes spending online and the friendship eventually explodes and one of them goes on to get published and the other woman shows up at her book signing and its the first time they have ever seen each other face to face but only one of them knows who the other is

thinking about ramadan and the dopamine detox, the idea of restrain in religion vs modernity. muslims one month out of twelve not only fast but also focus on faith in the inner self and in the community and so many other ancient religions also have that aspect of “the fast”. it all reminds me of people now lowering their screen time or porn use or eating less sugar just to feel something again. i don’t know were we always meant to have so much? i love phone in bed time and my sweet treat and i have vices, but i find that a moment of pause is also Good. remembering to be grateful to have one glass of water. it’s so sacred and necessary and feels natural in the way it recentres and recalibrates one’s inner compass. it’s not either sainthood and abstinence or hedonism it’s about the middle. because a beautiful life is also one that allows space to see where the beauty is, a beautiful life is not only one full of it. i always forget and then i always remember.

reading didion’s “on self respect” again and again until i grow a backbone

Just read this essay and …

But also I think the whole point of your 20’s maybe is to “get stuck” in such a big way at least once that it shocks you into promising yourself to never let it get that bad again