happy happy joy joy joyyyy! 🥰

Like by the time I was 5, people were saying that I should be headed toward the WNBA.

(For the record, I'm only 5'7" now, so I kinda just did all my growing at once.)

But you can see what that does to a kid though

You stop getting picked up and carried around earlier than other kids.

People help you less. You learn to be self sufficient, to your own eventual detriment.

You get adultified fast because you are the size of many adults.

I remember being in the 4th grade, and my teacher asked me how tall I was (5'2") and her telling me, "I'm 5'2" too!" (I loved her 🥰)

I remember how I used to fall asleep on my mom's shoulder on long train rides back from faraway malls, and the day she told me I wad too heavy for that now.

I was also smart. So above average intelligence, above average height. "Developed early." It's easy for people to forget you're a kid.

Homework from last EMDR session.

I cried, a lot, thankfully.

But not about what I thought I would?

First, chatting with Bestie #1 about my therapy experience, and how I don't really feel connected to my inner child, but I do have a newfound compassion for kids in general. How seeing such tiny humans who I know are dealing with such big things always grips me. How "but they're so little 🥺" is something I say often.

And he pointed how I may feel disconnected from my own inner child because I've never felt little. How I always described myself as a big ass kid. How I've never got the chance to be small, to be treated tenderly because of my size.

So even opening the letter with, "Hey Little One" made me a little misty 🥹

But I fully broke down when I asked my younger self to forgive my mother, as she, too, has a Little One inside her that needs healing

And it's weird because I've never blamed her for any part of this Memory that I'm reprocessing. Any responsibility I could've assigned her came in adulthood, through eyes that know and feel she did everything she could with the knowledge she had and the resources she had access to. She's a rockstar.

But I think the pain comes in broader strokes, with the recent recognition of how emotionally constipated she is, how much she buries away, how much she doesn't allow herself to feel. And how much her inability to connect with herself stunted my ability to.

I was never taught how to handle big feelings. I was taught that feelings are inconvenient and anyone who has them is lame.

And it just broke my heart to know my mother will be 70 this year and still feels this way and probably will never take the opportunity to heal.

Deleted 200+ emails this morning. Storage went from 15GB to 14.97GB

Deleted another 200+ just now.

The way I do or don't show up sexually has less to do with lack of experience and wayyyyyy more to do with comfort

And comfort is often stifled due to what, class?

✨️ TRAUMAAAAA ✨️ 😃

So let's hope that once I get into the Big Scaries™ with EMDR and heal alllll that

Then I'll have a much better sex life

These are my metamorphosis years. In braces. Skin be having its moments. In therapy. Absolutely noooobody is checking for me. And I'm not exactly putting myself out there.

But when I get back out in these streets feeling more whole!

Like they'll enjoy it while it's available but no one is everrrr tryna spin the block on me :P

But then ended up catching strays because I'm also grown and relatively sexually inexperienced