blogging in the times of autism

this is what catatonia it is like for me, on the inside

feeling your muscles tighten at a slow and constant rate that you could not perform on queue. if i get stuck holding something while catatonic, my fingers will eventually dig into it so deeply that it hurts.

i get stuck in awkward positions. legs tucked underneath my body, most of my weight shifted to one side, head tilted, stuff like that. because of your muscles stiffening as well, this becomes uncomfortable in less than ten minutes, and agonizing in 20.

time passes differently. most of my catatonic episodes at this point last for upwards of 2 hours, even with ativan. but the two hours i spend while catatonic feel comparably faster than if i just decided to sit down and stare at nothing for 2 hours. (the "increased speed" does not make it more pleasant and it's not like dissociation i don't think. it's just like, usually at 1.25x speed)

i'm aware of my surroundings i literally just can do fuck all about them.

i cannot focus on anything more complex than a children's cartoon during it. i have tried putting on longer documentaries, but never get anything to stick in my brain. i still prefer longer things to watch or listen to during cataleptic catatonia tho.

my muscles burn during the whole thing from being so tense or not positioned "squarely" i.e. - shoulders hips and neck at a 90 degree angle.

i will be sore and exhausted the next day, which actually makes it more likely for me to become catatonic again.

i never know how long it will be before i can move again. 3 to 4 hours isn't out of the question (note: i feel lucky that its never gotten longer than 4 hours as catatonia can last for days)

the embarrassment. like, there's no shame in experiencing it, i know that. but it doesn't make me stop feeling like i wish i could crawl into a hole, especially when it happens in public. i hate being stared at on the best of days and being so stiff that people have to frog march you everywhere is just , it's so not fun.

screaming for help inside my head (i can't use AAC when i can't move, unless i was able to feel it coming on beforehand and set my switch up)

or, being so embarrassed that i don't want anyone to find me no matter how long it takes for me to come out of it.

when i am "coming out" of it, i slowly start to be able to move lighter body parts first, like fingers and toes, then hands and feet. the last thing i am able to move is my upper legs and torso.

i am basically dead weight during this time, and my body is hard for other people to move as well because of tension in my muscles.

any needing to go to the bathroom? either you hold it, or someone kinda has to frog march you to the toilet, or, you're gonna have to do laundry

it sucks

it doesn't stop sucking until a few days after the fact, because it's physically and emotionally exhausting

obligatory disclaimers that 1. these are only my experiences, don't use them as your only source of information about catatonia 2. my experiences only apply to cataleptic catatonia. i don't have excited catatonia, so i didn't post about it.

Day groups, disability benefits, ST, OT, PT, ABA, music therapy, art therapy, doctors, dietitians, assisted living, random specific government plans, i could go on, but you get the idea.

When you say theres no resources for us, you really mean theres no resources for YOU that YOU are aware you can access that YOU would benefit from

Stop telling people theres no benefit to a late diagnosis in terms of getting services and support, there is lots you just arent aware because you either dont need them or have just never heard about then before

Plain Language is really important to ASAN and our community. Learn about what Plain Language is and why it matters in this post!

Pixies First book with adult aac users !

And !

Happy autism awareness/acceptance month to every autistic being who uses AAC!

examples include being told:

you're being manipulated/taken advantage of by the trans community

you don't have the mental capacity to know your gender

you're trying to find belonging because you're a social outcast for being autistic and that's why you think you're trans

autism makes you confused about your identity so you can't know you're trans

autism makes you misunderstand social norms so you're misinterpreting your gender expression as your gender identity

the trans community is a cult and they're love bombing you but you can't see it because you can't read social cues

autistic people go through lots of phases so we should wait to support you until we know it's "real"

autistic people often feel uncomfortable in their bodies so we can't allow you to transition

autistic people don't usually know what they want so we can't allow you to transition, you might regret it

hormones/surgeries will trigger your sensory issues so we won't allow you to get them

you already get bullied a lot so we can't let you be trans, you'll be bullied more

you're really sensitive so transphobia will be too upsetting for you

you don't have the mental capacity to know what being trans actually means

being autistic makes you out of touch with your emotions so how can you actually know you're experiencing dysphoria?

you don't have the social skills necessary to handle expressing your gender to people

every autistic person wants to be trans, they need to investigate if this is real before we support you

every autistic person wants to be trans, this is just a trend that autistic people are participating in because they feel alienated from regular trends

(not a statement) you've been denied AAC that allows you to express your gender or have had it taken away

(not a statement) a doctor or caregiver has denied you gender affirming care (including social transitioning care like clothes) on the basis of your autism

non-exhaustive, feel free to reply with more

there is a unique intersection of transphobia and ableism towards intellectual and developmental disabilities. there is an entire conspiracy that the "trans gender cult" is out to steal autistic children and make them mutilate their bodies.

THIS THIS THIS

It's such a gross and harmful take to assume that every autistic person who shows their symptoms actually has a choice in it.

If an autistic person can't mask or can't mask well, then it's not unmasked. And quite often, a lot of those autistics are trying to mask for you and it is never seen or appreciated.

A lot of us aren't our authentic autistic selves just because we show symptoms. Many of us know how we come across and we can not help it, no matter how much you hate us for it.

We're held back by our own disability and people have the audacity to assume we're purposely doing that. That we're proud and happy to be like that.

Disabled trans people *only* (includes every trans person who is physically disabled, chronically ill, neurodivergent, mentally ill, cognitively/intellectually disabled, D/deaf, blind/visually impaired etc.)

Plain text: Disabled trans people only (includes every trans person who is physically disabled, chronically ill, neurodivergent, mentally ill, cognitively/intellectually disabled, D/deaf, blind/visually impaired etc.)

internalised ableism is only aimed at yourself. as soon as you start with negative feelings or making fun of other people you are just ableist

Psychiatrically disabled people deserve access to gender affirming care.

Physically disabled people deserve access to gender affirming care.

what looks like a crisis to you might be an ordinary Tuesday to them.

ambulances are not always equipped to help with a mental health crisis and may make things worse

ambulances are often required to take people to the ER and therefore the psych ward

many of the people you see having a "crisis" have trauma with ambulances which may escalate their crisis.

if you think they need help then ask. "are you okay?" and if the answer is "no" then ask "can I call an ambulance for you?" and if the answer is "no" then you don't call an ambulance.