âDo not let what you think they think of you make you stop and question everything you are.â â Carrie Fisher (October 21st, 1956 - December 27th, 2016)
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Today's Document
DEAR READER
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occasionally subtle
Jules of Nature

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almost home
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@inkandash
âDo not let what you think they think of you make you stop and question everything you are.â â Carrie Fisher (October 21st, 1956 - December 27th, 2016)

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The Real Deal
by Andy Weir
âI tell ya, itâs the real deal!â Ray said. âThe real deal!â
âOh yeah?â Bobby replied. âTell me more.â
âSheâs the most amazing woman Iâve ever met!â He snatched his cigarettes from the coffee table. âI mean, weâve only had one date, but wow! I never met a chick I could really talk to before, ya know?â
Keep reading
Iâm not crying, youâre crying
This was really good. Normally I can sense plot twists. I never expected this
WHAT THE FUCK. I WASNT TRYIN TO GET SAD TODAY DAMMIT
Wow I was expecting to be scared but this just left me super sad
@joscaris
Did I miss something? Are you going to cosplay as Danny Kaye? Because I'm not going to lie, that would be AWESOME.
Danny Kaye is basically my past life haha I know all of his songs ^_^
Thatâs not a ânoâ
no, i donât watch that show, but i do follow its developments extensively via tumblr
@neverforgiveneverforget307 it me

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why is the rock⌠like this????
because there must be some balance to all the evil in the world
Iâm about to have a fun afternoon.
So my trainerâs bf cheated on her. She broke up with him. Heâs holding her stuff hostage until she agrees to talk with him. Which she refuses.
She trains; for free mind you; three college linebackers, a college wrestler, two martial artists, a body builder, and⌠wait for itâŚ. a Navy seal. Weâre gonna go get her shit for her.
This should make for an interesting story.
So everyone who commented on this being like the avengers, you are absolutely right. Thatâs what all of us had in our heads as we were rolling over to dudeâs house. But Iâm very proud to say, this ended without violence.
Arrival:
So the super friends all jumped into one of the linebackerâs explorer and headed over to dudeâs house. Ok the squad: you all know me, but the other martial artist is a little wirey hapkido guy, the linebackers are all giants (an estimated combined weight of Iâd say 750-800lbs), the wrestler looks like an escaped gorilla, then the navy seal looks like your average guy but something about him is unsettling. Really unsettling. Unfortunately, the body builder had to work. Anyway, we send the Hapkido guy and the wrestler to the door first and dude answers, screams at them, and then slams the door in their face. Then the giant linebackers head over and they ring the door bell again. Lo and behold, he was much more polite, but still denied access. Finally, me and the seal join the fray. I casually make my way towards the front of the group, but the seal decides to CLIMB THE BANISTER. We all just turned and started at him completely shocked when dude answers the door. He looks at this weird mismatched group of relatively threatening individuals and one guy perched on his banister like batman. He was like âFINE. Go take what youâre looking for.â
Retrieval:
So weâre all walking through the house gathering what we think are her things and putting them into two boxes. Mind you. We are completely guessing. We didnât even tell her we were coming, therefore we had no list of items.The only one really being productive was Hapkido, who was legitimately looking for stuff. The linebackers were just randomly picking up furniture, turning it over, and putting it back down. Just showing off how strong they were. In case the numbers game wasnât enough, I guess they were letting him know they could break him if they wanted to. The seal was just shadowing dude in his own house. Walking behind him, not saying much, just being creepy. Then thereâs me. Who was causing general mischiefâŚ. He said to take what I was looking for, thatâs what I was looking for. Ahaha and the wrestler made a fricken sandwich. Because âyou guys look like you have it under control, and Iâm a sucker for egg salad.â We were in and out in 15 minutes.
Delivery:
So the autobots rolled out and headed towards homegirlâs spot. She was conveniently outside when we rolled up. We got out and she was like, how do you all even know each other. The truth is, we donât. She sent us all an email once and didnât blind copy us all. She vented to all of us about dude holding onto her stuff and we started emailing and that was that. We told her that we went to see her ex. âOMG what did you say to him?â Nothing. Weâre not messenger boys. Weâre delivery boys. And we gave her her boxes of stuff. She went through the first box and said that was most of her stuff. Then she got to my box and asked âWtf is all that shit.â So I explained that I took all the batteries out of his remote controls, his deodorant, the light bulb out of his master closet, every pair of dress socks that I could find, the laces out of his running shoes, and all the toilet paper in the house. The guys just looked at me and kind of nodded like they were impressed. She then unexpectedly started CRYING and thanked us. So you have this group of meat heads all standing awkwardly with this weeping trainer. It was quiet for a second when the seal was like âSoâŚ. chipoltle?â And we all got burrito bowls.
What a great day.
This is literally the most beautiful and thrilling tale. Start to finish.
I am almost in tears I am laughing so hard. This is beautiful. I canât believe you took all the toilet paper. Iâm dying. Help. It sounds like the start of a joke: two martial artists, a wrestler, two linebackers and a Navy Seal walk into a Chipotle.
I have reblogged this a dozen times and I will reblog it a dozen more.
This needs reblogging. Iâve read this before, but itâs still priceless.
I donât reblog this amazing piece of human cooperation, assume Iâm dead
Armie Hammer as Clint Barton. Aubrey Plaza as Kate Bishop.
help iâve fallen in love and i canât get up
Coming into a fandom late
Coming into a fandom early and watching it become an angry clusterfuck
Being in a dormant fandom that suddenly comes alive again after a new book/movie
Donât forget about those who come in the midst of a fandom war.Â
Accuracy at its best
Being in a fandom and not even knowing thereâs a war going onâŚ
all of this shitâŚlol
When Youâre Not In The Fandom But Youâre Nosy AF
When you get into a fandom only to discover itâs dead
This gets better every time I see it.Â
@fuboos-mess
Being in a dead fandomâŚ
Or being in such a tiny fandom that it feels like youre the only one
The accuracy hurts.
Where is the lie.
Being in a fandom war and deciding which team to join
being in a fandom that once was good, but has since devolved into shit

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Art đđž
That was amazing
Guys⌠Heâs gonna fit into this fandom just fine. 8â)
Proof you can market anything as a âSuperfoodâ if it says Organic, Raw and Gluten-free.
THEREâS A FREAKâN WARNING ON THE BACK THAT IF EATEN IN EXCESS THEY CAUSE SYMPTOMS OF CYANIDE POISONING!
Their suggestion to eating these is to methodically poison yourself by eating 2-4 every other day. Since when has eating Apricot kernels been a thing in anyoneâs diet!?
these can be found at Wholefoods
Jesus Christ, how is this legal
What in the HELLS O.O
Mmm, delicious poison.
Please do not eat the Healthy Poison O.O
Someone could fucking kill someone with these if they poured them in a ziploc bag and called them peanuts
QUESTION: if i eat enough of these, can i build up a tolerance to cyanide poisoning
This is apparently a real thing. More info from Wikipedia.
Alright, folks, time to get Science Side of Tumblr on this. There is SO MUCH BULLSHIT packed into this that I ended up writing an obnoxiously long post, for which I apologize.
Letâs start with the product description page that Nora helpfully linked to. Thereâs just a ton of bullshit pseudoscience and feel-good woo in here and Iâm gonna break it down.
âApricot Kernels are one of the highest natural sources of a rare phytonutrient called amygdalin, also known as vitamin B17, an important nutrient which has largely disappeared from Western diets.â
Wow. Lots of fail in one sentence. Amygdalin is not, in fact, particularly rare; as the wiki page states, itâs found in âmany plantsâ âparticularly the Prunus genus, Poaceae (grasses), Fabaceae (legumes), and in other food plants, including linseed and manioc.â The only people who refer to amygdalin as a vitamin are those trying to make money from it. It is absolutely NOT a vitamin in any way, shape, or form. The definition of the word âvitaminâ is âa compound which is required by the body in small amounts, which it cannot make on its own and thus must be obtained from the diet.â Your body does not *require* amygdalin in the least. In fact, if you consume too much of it, you will LITERALLY DIE OF CYANIDE POISONING. It is NOT an âimportant nutrient.â It has not âdisappeared from Western dietsâ because it was never a part of any cultureâs diet. Any group of people who ate too much of it probably died.
Moving on:
âOur raw, certified organic apricot kernels originate from wild apricot trees that have never come into contact with any sort of pesticide, herbicide or synthetic fertilizer. The apricots are harvested gently by hand, then the kernels are removed and slowly sun-dried. Our farmers pride themselves on cultivating the highest quality kernels possible while maintaining eco-friendly and sustainable agricultural practices.â
Wait, thereâs a contradiction in there.
ââŚoriginate from wild apricot treesâŚâ ââŚfarmers pride themselves on cultivatingâŚâ
Listen, I donât wanna be a pedantic asshole and debate semantics here, but if farmers are cultivating something, then itâs not wild. Okay? You can certainly have a bunch of people going out into a forest and harvesting things from the wild; for herbs this is called wildcrafting and for fruits/vegetables it is generally called foraging. No part of this involves cultivation or farms, which are about as far removed from wild plants as⌠well, most varieties of fruits and vegetables that we eat today.
Now we get to the hilarious part:
âWARNING: Sweet apricot kernels contain amygdalin (Vitamin B17) which can cause symptoms of cyanide poisoning when eaten in excess. DO NOT EAT MORE THAN 8 SEEDS PER DAY. See a doctor immediately if you experience symptoms like nausea, fever, headache, or low blood pressure. Do not eat if you are pregnant or nursing. Not intended for childrenâ
THEY LITERALLY FUCKING TELL YOU THAT THESE CAUSE CYANIDE POISONING. Oh wait, no, my mistake, they tell you that they cause âsymptoms of cyanide poisoning.â Well, you know what else causes âsymptomsâ of cyanide poisoning? CYANIDE. If you read the wiki article on amygdalin, you may have noticed this part:
âAmygdalin is hydrolyzed by intestinal β-glucosidase, emulsin, and amygdalase to gentiobiose and L-mandelonitrile. Gentiobiose is further hydrolyzed to glucose, whereas mandelonitrile is hydrolyzed to benzaldehyde and hydrogen cyanide. Hydrogen cyanide in sufficient quantities (allowable daily intake: ~0.6 mg) causes cyanide poisoning (fatal oral dose: 0.6-1.5 mg/kg).â
Also, from the article on apricot kernels that Nora also linked (thank you Nora), thereâs this little nugget of info:
âOn average, bitter apricot kernels contain about 5% amygdalin and sweet kernels about 0.9% amygdalin. These values correspond to 0.3% and 0.05% of cyanide. Since a typical apricot kernel weighs 600 mg, bitter and sweet varieties contain respectively 1.8 and 0.3 mg of cyanide.â
The kernels that these assholes are selling are the sweet variety, so they do have less cyanide than bitter apricot kernels do. However, letâs run the numbers, shall we? One sweet apricot kernel contains approximately 0.3 mg of cyanide, which means that to get to the fatal oral dose of cyanide (0.6-1.6 mg/kg), one would have to eat between 2 and 5 kernels per kilogram of body weight. Now, admittedly, this would take some effort; I weigh about 84 kg, so a fatal dose of these would be between 168 and 420 kernels. These are 8 oz bags, or approximately 226 g, and one kernel weighs about 600 mg, which means there are around 376 kernels in an average bag. This is WELL within the lethal range for me, and Iâm a pretty big guy; someone who weighs a lot less than me would have to eat a lot fewer kernels to get a lethal dose.
Letâs not mince words, folks; cyanide poisoning is fucking awful. Cyanide blocks an enzyme that your cells need in order to properly process oxygen. It basically causes you to suffocate on a cellular level. Sounds like fun, doesnât it?
And these things are legally for sale? In fucking HEALTH FOOD STORES?!? Can you imagine if a small child got into one of these bags? I can only hope these alternative health wingnuts buying these things are keeping them away from their kids.
Oh, whatâs that? Youâll be okay as long as you donât eat the whole bag? Well, I have unfortunate news for you. Cyanide is not like iocaine powder; you donât build up an immunity to it by ingesting small amounts daily for years. It can still kill you, although in much more horrible ways than acute cyanide poisoning. From wiki: âExposure to lower levels of cyanide over a long period results in increased blood cyanide levels, which can result in weakness and a variety of symptoms, including permanent paralysis, nervous lesions, hypothyroidism, and miscarriages. Other effects include mild liver and kidney damage.â Sounds like fun, doesnât it?
Oh, and if you want a real treat, read the reviews on the product page above. Hoooooooly shit, people can fool themselves into thinking ANYTHING is good for them if it has the words âorganicâ and ânaturalâ on the package, and if the seller hypes it up to be this AMAZING LONG-LOST SUPERFOOD OMG. Hereâs some of the highlights, in case you donât want to read them all for fear of losing too many brain cells (note that all of these quotes are from separate reviews):
âI eat these apricot kernels because of the B17 cancer fighting factor.â No such thing as B17, and amygdalin has been shown to be useless against cancer.
âI noticed that my energy is constant all day and I believe they are actually helping me to lose weight.â Chances are itâs whatever else youâre putting in your smoothie. Keep eating these long enough and I doubt youâll have energy all day.
âI love them even more after researching all of the health properties!â Clearly you didnât do any research outside of browsing a couple articles on fucking David Wolfeâs website or some shit.
This next one has three separate hilarious bits so Iâll quote all three parts together: âI still am not sure what they do for me yet; however they are loaded with B17 which is said to be really good for certain health benefits.â 1/Well, that sounds promising. 2/Loaded with cyanide, yum! 3/âcertain health benefits.â Not sure which ones, but a website said it, so it must be true!
âToo bad I canât eat too many without lowering blood pressure too much.â I can only assume that this person is referring to the fact that your blood pressure drops to 0/0 when youâre dead.
âI like themâŚnot too bitter, but enough so that I know I am getting what I need.â Because something being bitter is a great indication that itâs good for you, amirite? I mean, kale is great for you, and itâs bitter, so that must mean the bitterness is what makes it good for you!
âI have cancer and eat 5 kernels, 3 times a day.. I eat them with some food so I donât end up with a stomach ache.â I would make a comment about how you should know better than to eat things that give you a stomach ache, but then again, this person could conceivably be on chemo, which also causes awful symptoms, so maybe theyâre just conditioned to believe that things that make them feel horrible are actually helping cure them.
âI eat a few a day and I will hopefully see my blood pressure down next dr apptâ âŚfolks, please donât eat poison instead of taking blood pressure medication. I know doctors tend to overprescribe pills, but COME THE FUCK ON.
âIâm trying to get off medication (over 30 years) and want to use natural food to help heal my body!â Which is an admirable goal, and certainly possible. But this is not the way to do it. You need to do your research into the foods you eat to try and heal yourself, and if you did the SLIGHTEST BIT OF RESEARCH you would have found that these things contain CYANIDE. Which absolutely WILL NOT heal your body.
âthey are crunchy, aromatic, and slightly bitter, and numb the tip of my tongue when I chew on more than a few at a time.â HOW IS THIS NOT A GIANT RED FLAG HOLY FUCKING SHIT
âIt is important to read the information about how many to consume per day as it is a medicinal food with great potential.â Great potential to kill you, yes. Medicinal food, not so much.
tl;dr Apricots are the devilâs nutsack, please donât eat his testicles.
What
Originally posted by gif-007
Confirmed: White people will pay through the nose to eat literal poison if you label it with the words âorganic,â âsuperfood,â and/or allude to it being a part of the wholesome folksy diet of a group of not-white people from a country somewhere south and/or east of Europe. Â
1) That is the most remarkable collection of tags Iâve ever typed. 2) WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE. Can we all stop shopping at that overpriced, fatphobic, intolerant bullshit grocery store now? 3) On the plus side, now itâs a lot easier to kill people. âOh, your honor, no, they just ate them on their own!â
whatâs next, apple seeds?? so we can have âsymptoms of arsenic poisoning?â
What the actual fuck?  I was all ready to post a pithy, âthatâs photoshopped and those are almondsâ but itâs actually a real thing? that real people consume? searching for it brought me to apricot kernel butter?  What?  As a kid I used to recommend people go on an apple pip diet because I was a snappy little shit who thought it was funnier to tell people to kill themselves if they didnât understand what I was saying, but? people actually do things like this?
???
Wtf I thought these were almonds
FUN FACT: Almonds are in the Prunus Family. Along with peaches, plums, cherries, and (you guessed it) APRICOTS.
If you eat a peach or an apricot an crack open the pit you will find something that looks remarkably like an almond. Almonds, on the other hand, grow while surrounded by fuffy hard green peachlike fruit (you donât eat it, itâs gross, but it is botanically a fruit).
Anyway, letâs just say thereâs a reason lots of poisonings happen with cyanide, itâs really, REALLY easy to come by.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Giveaways that someone is American, as told by non-Americans.
Americans tag yourself: Iâm friendly to the point that your suspicious of my intent mixed with calling you sweetie, darling, honey, etc.
im the barman
Iâm so glad that this is an American stereotype sort of post that is positive

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Sebastian about Hydra!Cap
Push (2009)