And So, Goodnight

If you are required to attend a polling station where there are assholes trying to turn people away-record and document them. If you feel safe enough, get hard evidence that these people are knowingly attempting to prevent people from voting and contact the authorities. Only the people directly working the polls will ask for your ID so you can receive the correct ballot. If someone asks for your voter registration or drivers license outside of the building they are trying to keep you from voting. If someone touches you to prevent you from entering the polling station call the police or have someone do it for you.

“I took a break from my rigorous nap schedule to be here. And as you’ve already heard, it’s a treat for all of you too, because usually, I charge a lot for speeches like this.”

“Getting through these three debates with Donald has to count as a miracle, so I guess I’m up against the highest, hardest, stained glass ceiling.”

“I just wanna put you all in a basket of adorables.”

“You look so good in your tuxes, or as I refer to them, ‘formal pantsuits.’”

“Donald, if at any time you don’t like what I’m saying, feel free to stand up and shout ‘WRONG’ while I’m talking.”

“It’s amazing I’m up here after Donald. I didn’t think he’d be okay with a peaceful transition of power.”

“Donald, after listening to your speech, I will also enjoy listening to Mike Pence deny that you ever gave it.”

“Remember, if you don’t like how it turned out, it must be rigged.”

“People look at the Statue of Liberty and see a proud symbol […] Donald looks at the Statue of Liberty and sees a 4, maybe a 5 if she loses the torch and tablet and changes her hair.”

“I understand I am not known for my sense of humor. That’s why it did take a village to write these jokes.”

“I’m not boring at all. In fact, I’m the life of every party I attend, and I’ve been to three.”

“When the parties get out of hand, as occasionally they do, it’s important to have a responsible chaperone who can get everyone home safely, and that is why I picked Tim Kaine to be my vice president.”

“You notice there is no teleprompter here tonight, which is probably smart because maybe you saw Donald dismantle his prompter the other day. And I get that. They’re hard to keep up with, and I’m sure it’s even harder when you’re translating from the original Russian.”

“Donald wanted me drug-tested before last night’s debate, and look, I gotta tell you, I am so flattered that Donald thought I used some sort of performance enhancer. Now actually, I did. It’s called preparation.”

“I’ve had to listen to Donald for three full debates, and he says I don’t have any stamina. That is four and a half hours. I have now stood next to Donald longer than any of his campaign managers.”

“Whoever wins this election, the outcome will be historic. We will either have the first female president or the first president who started a Twitter war with Cher.”

“If Donald does win, it’ll be awkward at the annual President’s Day photo, when all the former presidents gather at the White House. And not just with Bill – how is Barack gonna get past the Muslim ban?”

“Donald has issues. Serious issues. Really, really serious issues.”

“[Donald] actually sent me a car to bring me here tonight. Actually, it was a hearse.”

“Donald really is as healthy as a horse, you know, the one Vladimir Putin rides around on.”

“I will be the healthiest and youngest woman ever to serve as president.”

“I’ve tried to inspire young people […] and [Donald] is doing the same. A third-grade teacher told me that one of her students refused to turn in his homework because it was under audit.”

“Here’s another similarity. The Republican National Committee isn’t spending a dime to help either one of us.”

“Let’s embrace the spirit of the evening, let’s come together, remember what unites us, and just rip on Ted Cruz.”