something told me it was you

GEORGE: No, Jerry, it’s not any pronouns! I’d know if it was any pronouns! If they used any pronouns, I would’ve defaulted to “she” by now!

JERRY: Yeah, you would have, wouldn’t you.

(LAUGH TRACK)

GEORGE: Look, Jerry, please, you gotta help me. They’re gonna be here in less than ten minutes, just ask them while I’m in the room. Ten seconds, over and done with. Please.

JERRY: You want me to ask for pronouns?

GEORGE: (FALLS UPON KNEES) JERRY I’M BEGGIN’ YOU!

JERRY: …Tell me I look butch.

GEORGE: Jerry, I - I can’t -

JERRY: See, you hesitated! What is it? Is it the shirt, the hair -

GEORGE: Jerry please, we don’t have time for this! JERRY: Ten seconds to ask your new partner what their pronouns are, and you can’t spare any time to tell me what about me passes as femme? GEORGE: …The deodorant is a bit much, I mean, peach-scented deodorant -

JERRY: I KNEW it!

(Both JERRY and GEORGE turn discreetly to listen) BRICK: Oh, thank you for asking! Any pronouns are fine!

GEORGE: AAAGH!

GEORGE: She didn’t buy my story about fleeing a sudden fire.

JERRY: You’ve got to stop defaulting to she/her.

GEORGE: ANY PRONOUNS, JERRY! She/her is a perfectly valid pronoun! I could’ve had a she/her, a they/them, a xe/xir, Jerry I could’ve had it all.

ELAINE: Still, she/her for Brick? I wouldn’t have guessed, I mean, they were more butch than Jerry.

(JERRY drops his spoon in his diner soup. George and Elaine are unphased. Laugh track.)

GEORGE: So, your relationship is going SO great, huh? With Mr. Deadname?

ELAINE: Yeah, well, I’m probably gonna cut things off. I mean, I got rid of that name for a reason, yknow? Too much baggage.

JERRY: You’re jealous he was born an Elaine?

ELAINE: Look, I don’t see what’s so bad about being an Elaine! I mean, look at me, am I not the picture perfect Elaine? I was born to be Elaine. My parents didn’t know what they were THINKING not naming me Elaine, but does he care? No. Just tosses Elaine aside like an old sandwich.

GEORGE: An old sandwich?

ELAINE: Yeah, you’d toss that out, right?

GEORGE: How old?

ELAINE: I don’t know, a week?

(GEORGE sits in quiet thought)

JERRY: Maybe he’s thinking the same thing about you.

ELAINE: What do you mean?

JERRY: Well, maybe he’s been wracking his brain trying to figure out why you’d throw away a name as perfect as…

(ELAINE glares at JERRY)

JERRY: …You know.

ELAINE: No. There’s no way. With a name like that he’s lucky anyone is even interested.

GEORGE: They have a point-

ELAINE: Default back to she/her.

GEORGE: She has a point, Jerry. Not only can I not imagine Elaine’s parents picking a name like that, I can’t imagine being an adult and choosing that name. It wouldn’t be anybody’s deadname, it shouldn’t be anybody’s name. It’s just one prolonged mistake.

ELAINE: Better name than George.

(LAUGH TRACK)

JERRY: Maybe it’s the opposite.

ELAINE: What do you mean?

JERRY: Well, maybe he picked you up because he misses having Elaine in his life.

GEORGE: You don’t think he’s…?

JERRY: No, just likes the name. Maybe he realized he’s got some attachment to the name, but he doesn’t want it for himself.

ELAINE: …I could live with that.

(LAUGH TRACK, KRAMER enters in a torn green sequin dress, wig cap, smeared make up, and holding a blonde beehive wig under one arm.)

JERRY: How long did you last?

KRAMER: I didn’t even make it on. I got into a fight with Katya Zamolodchikova.

GEORGE: Over what?

(KRAMER makes some sort of KRAMER sounds and wild hand gestures, the others nod.)

(ELAINE’S BOYFRIEND enters)

you are not out of paper

you have so much paper

it’s okay to function as intended

you are not out of ink

i just refilled that cartridge last month

you can connect to that computer you’re supposed to connect to

my worst relatives try to sneak meat or meat products into my food despite the fact that I'm a vegetarian

my ex's brother gave his mother an edible without her knowledge and when she got freaked out and paranoid they laughed, and people I've told that go "yeah that's shitty but it's just weed"

when I go to the doctor and ask them to describe what they are going to do before touching me they get frustrated

when I ask a friends of a friend who is a small influencer to keep me out of frame in videos they film for social media in public they look at me like I've pissed in their cereal