Good Morning My Fellow Humans

Yeah. That's me. You might be wondering how I got myself into this situation.

So am I.

My consciousness just kinda ends with each episode and starts again with the new one. I literally have no idea what happened between then and now.

Usually someone starts expositing and my memories backfill in from there. It's a really weird sensation honestly, like someone poking something into your brain. No pain, just kinda... pressure.

Man, that sounds like a sex thing when I explain it like that. I mean, I'm tied up, so it might be a sex thing. Someone probably finds that sensation erotic.

Anyway, I think think that record scratch sound effect was something breaking with the whole system.

I can't really do anything about it, again, tied up, so if you could give me a hand? Yeah, just looking for... record players or turntables, I guess? Maybe a sound effect board?

Is God a DJ?

-music resumes-

Oh, great, you found it! Thanks a lot, that really helps.

Oop, and here come the memories now. I never get used to-

Huh.

One time when I was a kid, I had a science teacher with a snake as a class pet, and said snake was almost done shedding. There was one little bit of dried skin stuck to its face and I was like, “would it hurt him if I pulled that off?” And the teacher said, “yes it actually could, it’s probably still attached to living skin if it hasn’t come off yet” and I was like “oh, sorry,” and he said, “that’s okay, you were just wanting to do the primate thing.” And damn, that’s such an accurate descriptor.

So, my insurance has been trying to not cover my SNRI because it is new on the market and no generic available yet, so pricey.

I apply for a refill and the request gets locked for review. Again. For the 3rd time.

This time I call and immediately ask to speak to the actual doctor making these clinical decisions. Very politely. Must be a slow day because they allow it.

ME: [Teacher voice] I'm calling in regards to the SNRI you have placed a lock on. Why was this decision made?

DOC: Well, there are dozens of other medications on the market in that tier, and far cheaper for you and [insurer]. We have sent a request to your doctor to consider alternatives.

ME: I am aware of that. So, can you do me a HUGE favor and look up my prescription history really quickly and tell me how many SSRIs and SNRIs were only filled once in 2022 for me, showing they were poorly tolerated?

DOC: It looks like eight.

ME: Great job! Now, can you please look at my genetic test for psychiatric drug tolerance and tell me how many medications are listed in the safe category?

DOC: Two.

ME: Awesome! Now, can you tell me what type that other drug is that I'm not taking?

DOC: Yeah, totally, it's an MAOI.

ME: That's correct, you're really knowledgeable! Should I be taking something as dangerous as an MAOI with my other medications, or even just in general?

DOC: It's contraindicated for sure.

ME: It is! So true! So, last question since you've been incredibly smart and helpful. Is it less expensive for [insurer] to pay out for the medication knowing they already get a huge manufacturer discount anyway, or is it more expensive for them to pay for me to need potentially long-term inpatient psychiatric care?

DOC: I'll clear the code, ma'am and flag it as medically necessary. I'm sorry about this.

ME: I appreciate you SO MUCH. You have a great day now.

YOU🫵'RE 🫵 NE->XT.!! moTHERFUCKER!!!!

Uhhh. How'd that happen?