I Am...Hear Me Roar

When I wrote a post similar to this one exactly 365 days ago, I didn’t realize I was going to be so devastatingly alone and in the same position.

The heartbreak still feels so real. And that might just be because I re-read all of our text messages. I’m not crazy, our relationship wasn’t fake, my feelings are valid.

I learned so much, I honestly never expected Jae to become such a lesson in my life. He will forever be the one who taught me how to keep fighting and loving and caring and giving in a real adult relationship with sex and feelings and emotions.

Our texts included some very deep thoughts. We talked about relationships, and our relationship. We talked about silly things and made jokes. He always told me exactly what he was feeling. And he told me often how much I meant to him.

Now I don’t think that was a lie. But it definitely doesn’t make sense how he could just leave me if I meant so much.

And as I sit here, a year later, still not moving on from him, I am still no clearer on that decision either.

But not all things get explained to us in this life.

And we have to be okay with it.

I still miss him. I miss what we had. I miss our talks. I miss how he made me feel. I miss how he could just look at me and that be enough. I miss showing him off. I miss cuddling in bed. I miss how he would call me beautiful or sexy or cute or love or babe or b. I miss his jokes. I miss his stories. I miss holding his hand. I miss his crazy ideas. I miss doing face masks together. I miss brushing our teeth together. I miss waking up to him snoring a little. I miss him grabbing me and pulling me close in the mornings. I miss talking on the phone when we couldn’t sleep together. I miss our Sunday date nights. I miss going to the movies and discussing them after. I miss his hand on my thigh when I drove. I miss the photos he would send me from work when I missed his face through the day. I miss walking through target with him. I miss visiting him at work. I miss talking about our future. I miss his physical being next to me. I miss him walking closest to the road to protect me. I miss him holding my purse. I miss kissing his face whenever I want. I miss picking his outfits. I miss watching the rain in the afternoon. I miss dancing in his living room. I miss his scent. I miss it all.

So here I am on New Year’s Eve. Alone again. Dreaming up new hopes and wishes for my new year. Including love, upward career paths, health, and happiness.

1. If someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

2. Have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?

3. Three songs that you connect with right now.

4. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

5. Have you taken someones virginity?

6. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

7. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

8. Who would you like to see in concert?

9. What was the last concert you saw?

10. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

11. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

12. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

13. A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex?

14. Have any pets?

15. Do you want to have kids? How many?

16. Do you have piercings? How many?

17. Do you miss anyone from your past?

18. What are you craving right now?

19. Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

20. Have you ever been cheated on?

21. Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

22. Do you believe in true love?

23. Favorite weather?

24. Do you like the snow?

25. Do you wanna get married?

26. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

27. What’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

28. Go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

29. What’s your favorite pasta dish?

30. What color do you really want to dye your hair?

31. What’s your favorite eye color?

32. Talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

33. Are you a morning person?

34. What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

35. What are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

36. What is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

37. Tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

38. Do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

39. Who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

40. What was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

41. Do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

42. Think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

43. What are your favorite memes of the year so far

44. Do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

45. What’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

46. What are some of your worst habits?

47. Describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

48. Tell us about your pets!

49. Is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

50. Are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

51. What’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

52. Describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

53. What’s some of your favorite album art?

54. Are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

55. Do you like concept albums? which ones?

56. What are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

57. List some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

58. If you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

59. What do you do when you’re sad?

60. What are some things you do when you can’t sleep?

61. What was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had?

62. Who is the last person you told a secret to?

63. What’s the best piece of advice you ever received?

64. What’s your favorite food?

65. What’s your secret dream?

66. Three songs you were recently obsessed with.

67. Three songs that remind you of the person who sends this one

68. Three favourite old songs

69. Three last songs you listened to

70. Worst possible time to get horny:

71. Have you ever had a friends with benefits?

72. Do you believe in soulmates?

73. Is there anyone you would die for?

74. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

75.  Do you give out second chances too easily?

76. Is it easier to forgive or forget?

77. Is this year the best year of your life?

78. Do you have trust issues?

79. Who/what was your last dream about?

80. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

One year ago today, the path my life was on changed forever.

I thought that things were great. We were doing really well, we were really strong. We were really happy, we belonged together...So I thought.

We were making plans. Date plans, dog plans, Christmas plans, life plans, and vacation plans. But 365 days ago, it all went down the drain. The end.

I honestly have never felt more shattered in my life. I mean I have felt heartbreak, loads in fact don’t get me wrong, but being an adult in a relationship is a lot harder to come back from.

And there was no reason. Nothing he could say that made sense as to why we had to break up. He couldn’t give me even one reason, except that it “would be better for me” and that “he didn’t want to hurt me.” Well news flash, I was so incredibly hurt and so devistatingly crushed.

I went through all of the stages of grief. I went to therapy every week, and cried myself to sleep every night. Every day I was in a haze, I can barely remember getting through the first few weeks. But I remember being numb, totally uninterested in feeling anything.

When you give someone the power to effect you so dramatically, you lose a piece of yourself. I still sometimes feel empty from the piece of my heart he took when he said goodbye.

Jae was apart of my heart and soul. We clicked instantly the moment I set eyes on him. It was like a movie. And every day there after I felt so lucky and blessed to have him in my life.

We went through struggles. We overcame a lot. We were an interracial couple. We got frustrated, we made up...We always made up.

On our second date we danced to Gravity in his living room and watched the rain. Everything was peaceful, I go back to that memory all of the time. That was our happy.

Sometimes I would just watch him sleep, and dream him up in different scenarios of my life, our life, together.

I slept over almost every night just to be intertwined with him, knowing he was there, knowing his hand was mine to hold. And although mornings weren’t his shining moments, they were my favorite because he would hold me so tight and I never wanted to go. I honestly would have stayed right there forever if he had asked.

It was my mistake to be this way, to be so comfortable with the man I loved and I am the only one to blame in reality. You can’t make other people see the things or feel the things you do.

It’s taken me this long to even come to that conclusion and even start to like myself again. I was in such a dark sad place after him.

How can you just forget the happy little things? How could I just move on, without him? I know he probably doesn’t even think about me, my name never leaves his tongue, but that’s okay. It was real, we were real.

And you know I have been dreading today. Knowing it was coming up was really stressing my out. But I survived. One year without Jae. One year of working on myself. One year full of growth, travel, promotions, raises, moving, friendship, love.

If you have followed my story from the start, thank you for listening. I have appreciated the messages, comments, likes, reblogs so very much! You all have gotten me through this. And I know I haven’t posted as much and let it all out, but sometimes life is just too much.

Being able to write this all now gives me peace. I am still not fully forgiving myself, and I’m working on it. I am still not over the love I had, and I am trying to get over it. I am still not happy as I could be, but this too shall pass. Things always happen for a reason, and I know it will all make sense one day.

I am Megan, hear me roar.

Today is the day. Exactly one year ago, I sent him a message, and he sent me one back...and our love story started.

I remember seeing his face and just thinking, I’m gonna love that face, I’m going to love that soul. And I did.

In the beginning we talked all day every day. I lost sleep because I was so excited to just talk with him forever.

And we finally met and sparks literally flew through my veins. That whole night makes me feel really happy still. Our beginning was so beautiful.

I felt like the most special girl in the world when I was with him. He had this way of just making you feel really important and wanted.

His gaze was always fixated on me. I do think he really cared for me. And I think he was starting to fall in love with me.

But as quick as it all started, it did end. And it is completely done with. No words have been spoken between us for 10 months. And that is how it will stay.

Jae will always have a special place in my heart. This day will always remind me of him and our happy beginning.

Today I wouldn’t go into the mall with my mom to help pick her out some new pants. I have a block on that place, it’s a hard no from me. Because when you spend days and days in there with the one you love and you make all of these memories and then all of your heartache rests in the hands of that person who still works in there...you just don’t wanna do it.

I went on a date y'all. I did it. I made it through. Since December 17th, 2017, my heart has been healing. It has been complete ups and downs the whole way. But today I felt pretty for the first time in months, and I got treated to a wonderful brunch by a handsome man. 

Thats all we can really ask for, happy moments. Moments that eases the pain of loss, and renews your faith in humanity. Because for two hours on a Saturday morning, I got to just be me and smile and eat a yummy meal in my favorite city. 

I don't know what the future holds for us. He made me hopeful for second date magic and more happy butterflies. And I hope that we get to spend many more hours together. 

Healing is not linear. There is not right or wrong way to go through it. Although more than half a year has come and gone...I am still healing.

I would have liked to think that all of this would be done and dusted by now, but I’m trying not to beat myself up about it either.

So what if my mind still wanders to his face when I feel lonely. Who cares if all I can do is remember all of our happy little moments, they were far superior to any I have ever had. And you can’t judge me for still loving his soul, even though he crushed mine.

My confidence was completely shattered after the death of our relationship, and I am slowly putting it all back together. But it is really really hard.

These things I do know:

1. I am perfectly okay being alone, not tied to any man. I find peace in the fact that I can go out or stay in and not need anyone to do that with.

2. I love myself more than I loved him, and I know what I deserve..so much better.

3. I will find love again, I will be okay, I will get through this! And you can take that to the bank.

Doubt has filled me lately, but today I felt good and confident and everything is just a breath of fresh air.

Do you ever sit and wonder how things would turn out if you had the chance to do the last 10 years over, would you do it?

This is something that’s been on my mind lately, and I honestly think I would. Let’s take it back to 2008.

Sophomore in high school, bright eyed and bushy tailed. I think starting here would be best. I would reinvent myself. Stop lusting after that boy who drove me crazy...and just have fun.

I would be a whole new person for high school. I think I would choose my friends wisely and boyfriends better. I would sneak out of my house more and stay up laughing more and love more deeply.

I would have spoke my mind a hell of a lot more, and not accepted what I received in life without a fight. I sure as hell wouldn’t have let Sage go to that dance with another girl, and I probably wouldn’t have dated Darren.

I also would have followed through with more, and not taken it all for granted. And when college rolled around, I wouldn’t have been so easy and drank so much. I probably would have studied harder and did better. I also would have avoided those assholes who literally put me off from love for many years.

And then I would have chosen a different career path. Saved more money. And honestly...I probably still would have dated Jae because when someone makes you feel like floating on happy little clouds, you keep them around.