#saddness

Crying because I just realized I don’t remember when my mom stopped putting little notes in my lucy when she makes them

Sometimes I sit back and think if and how life would have been different if we both hadn’t parted ways. How if you would have stayed here or if I would have chose you instead of the other. Or even if you did leave I would have stayed solid for you and came and visited you during that time you were away. Would we have lasted, would our love have been the same, would it have grown or would it have become stale like the stagnant air in a car with no AC. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and feel the urge to tell you that I am sorry that this is how life went. Or sometimes I wake up and wonder if you’d reach out and do the same. But at the same time you chose your life and I chose mine and we are both too stuck in our ways to bend and fold to each other. Maybe it was the night at the bar years ago me seeing you for the first time in forever, us dancing all night feeling like this was finally something that felt right. Then after the club is going back to hang out. On the ride back home to my place I kept thinking tonight is the night, the night I will tell you how I felt after all these years. Crazy thing is after that night, and us reconnecting. Through Snapchat messages and sending each other funny pictures I was willing to throw what I had all away just in hopes that we could make it work together but for real this time. Maybe it’s the fact that I still had that love for you and the thought of what if. Or it was just getting to finally see you, but I was ready to take that risk…fast forward a weeks you told me that we couldn’t keep talking because you were beginning to grow feelings for me again. The words I had been longing for since I saw you again but this time it was in the way of letting me go this time instead of me pushing myself away. You went ghost shortly after on me. Do you know how bad that hurt me? But I guess I deserved that in a sense. Years pass and I still think about you. Still wondering how you are. Still creep when I can. I know I know I have my own life now, shit I’d love to tell you about if we still talked. You know you came back in my life for a brief period there to wish me well and to congratulate me on a few life milestones. As I did to you and your birthday. But what really fucked me up is that it could have been us and that you didn’t stick around too long after that again disappearing like you do like a shadow in the night. There’s not a single moment in my life where I have felt so betrayed or just abandoned. Usually I don’t wish people well that walk away from me and out of my life but with you there’s something different. Maybe it’s because we never fully understood what we were doing. Yeah we loved but we never got to experience the full extent of our love. Maybe it’s because I still see you as that innocent girl just looking for someone to love and make memories with. Maybe that’s just how I’ll always see you regardless of where I am, who I’m with or where you are in life. You’ll always be that girl on my chest in the basement, you’ll always be that girl in my passenger seat, you’ll always just be THAT GIRL for me. And maybe I’m rambling but I still hold onto the words of what’s meant to be will eventually find its way back to you. If not now maybe the world is working to do that exact thing..goodbye for now..

“ She tries her best, but it hurts her chest.”

I hope the next girl you find is a pretty, skinny petite little church going blonde with a nice ass who is the best thing that ever happened to you. Then I hope she is never enough for you like I never was. I hope you find exactly what you wanted that I could never be and it never makes you happy like you thought. I hope she wants to wait to move in until marriage and loves when your temper flares and you punch shit. I hope she likes cars just like you do and she waits on your beck and call just to please you. I hope she is everything you wanted and I hope it is never enough. I hope she is the nicest person ever and treats you like a prince and I hope you never get happy enough to marry her. I hope you date her for years, tell her you love her, turn around three years down the road and take another girl's number because you don't want only her attention for the rest of your life. I hope she has some problems that you think you can fix, and when she inevitably can't fix herself because she is a fucking human, I hope you flip a coin to decide if you want to stay with her just like you did to me. I hope you look her in the eyes and tell her you don't know if you still love her or not. I hope you talk to her on your three and a half year anniversary and tell her you don't know if she is the one. I hope you waste another 5 years of your life loving someone just to realize you can't fucking commit to a relationship because you don't know how you feel even after all this time. I hope this girl is all you want in this world and you still realize at the end of the day nothing can make you happy. I guess you could say I'm in the anger stage of grief. I hope she gives you everything like I tried and it is still never enough. I hope you realize that what you want is a fucking doll who listens to everything you say, goes to church, and waits by your side for every fucking order you have. I hope you realize you can't fix someone's mental disease like a fucking car. I hope you realize nothing can ever live up to the expectation you want. And then I hope you look back and see that I tried to give you everything. I hope you see that I did everything in my power to make you happy only for you to realize I was never enough. I hope nothing is ever enough for you anymore. I hope you realize how unattainable your dream girl is and how unhappy your life will be when you finally look in the mirror and see that you can't change everything like you want.